Posts Tagged ‘Suicide’

Broken Dream Until Mended Reality

Posted: April 11, 2021 in battles, believe, broken dream, compassion, confidence, counsel, darkness, Death, depression, direction, Dream, dreams, encourage, endure, faith, faithfulness, fears, fills our cup, focus, forgiveness, Freedom, future, God, grace, guidance, HE makes all things new, healing, heart, heaven, HIS Life, HIS Love, HIS Presence, HIS Spirit, HIS Truth, HIS will, HIS WORD, Hope, inspiration, Jesus, Life, life and blessing, Light, live, Love, meant to be, mental illness, mercy, mind, move forward, new, new life, nightmares, open door, paths of righteousness, peace, persevere, Poems, pouring out your heart, pressing on, promises, pure, purpose, redemption, regret, renew, rescue, rest, restore, Resurrection, revive, reward, setting us free, shame, sins, soar, soul, Spirit, suicidal, suicidal ideation, suicidal thoughts, Suicide, tears, the Way, the Truth, and the Life, time, Trust, truth, vision, walk again, weary and heavy burdened, wisdom
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There is grace for every broken dream

Onward walk to continue being

Onward unseen until mended reality seeing

Onward forward steps keep repeating

Onward go on for you’re worth your heart beating

Onward becoming who you’re meant to be rather than retreating or worse yet leaving

Onward knowing HE lives at the right hand of GOD with scars for you interceding

Onward heeding HIS voice of encouraging to continue enduring and persevering even if for now it’s just breathing

On HIM always lean…

~

Press on rather than regress despite feeling depressed

Pass the test to go on beyond the trials and tribulations that oppress

Continue with faith in the SON for making progress

Continue to hope in HIM to find rest

Continue in HIS love which is greatest and will work out what is best

Choose life and blessing over death and cursing that HE died to give you as your inspiring and motivating quest

Draw near to HIM and HE will draw nearer sincerest as you pour out your heart to HIM in confidence rather than those feelings just suppress

Reassess life as a maturing process, mess of sin with guilt and shame confess to find forgiveness, and then will profess HIS evidence realized further along life’s journey of HIS faithfulness

Focus is more when there is less…

~

Less to not weigh you down in fear replaced by HIS love held dear

Less worry in your heart found in HIM who makes it disappear

Less weary chasing after empty success that falls aground like tears

Less willful of your own plans that fail here

Less want of the world’s lust wandering into sin that causes pain and torment so severe

Less wasting away in your illness with HIS acceptance of all that you are by caring for yourself to improve mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health adhere

Less wavering in unbelief by simply believing HE will turn your life around with HIS patience and gentleness steer

Less wondering about what ifs of the past that HE uses in your future to help others made more clear

Less while HE becomes more to you during your extended years

~

More faith in HIS truth so you’re no longer unruly that will no longer duly offend

More hope and trust in HIS ways you can truly depend on now that you’re newly opened

More love in HIS life abiding to be a light shining in darkness to give freely and often

More mercy from HIS healing throne of Heaven that is new every morning sent

More compassion from HIS heart to listen to others vent -even from suicide may prevent

More grace from HIS hand to lead and guide you along righteous paths that will leave no regret in retrospect

More of HIS Spirit welcoming within who will comfort you with HIS Presence, counsel you with HIS wisdom, and care for your well-being with moans expressed according to GOD’s will for your life when words of prayer fail to connect

More delighting in HIM to be given the desires of your heart meant to mend your dreams again made relevant where nightmares can’t circumvent

More freedom will come after suffering through a set timeframe where to live is Christ and to die is gain that is effective when wait on GOD’s timing and not your own as you wait to resurrect into HIS arms as Heaven’s resident

~

Wait on HIM for new strength returning to soar above the storms on eagle’s wings freeing

Wait on HIM for renewing your mind with truth until having soundness of peace releasing

Wait on HIM for reviving your heart recreating within purity and right desires brought back into the land of the living reconvening

Wait on HIM for rescue unto redemption forthcoming that will restore your soul and implore within you vision, purpose, and meaning that’s increasing

Wait on HIM for refilling your cup to overflowing until refreshing your spirit into HIS will agreeing and being a doer of HIS Word unleashing

Wait on HIM watching as HE wins every battle in your war raging against the enemy who attempts at deceiving

Wait on HIM to direct your steps through open doors revealing

Wait on HIM for HIS promises open handed toward until receiving

Wait on HIM for complete healing that makes you whole whether here on earth or there in Heaven as the great reward for continually believing

So it’s Good Friday.  What is so good about it?

What is celebrated is JESUS crucified on the cross.

So HE died.  What is that to me?

It was for you…  for me… for the whole world…

There is an intimate, radical, and victorious reason HE did so to be remembered and for some to newly discover…

 

JESUS knew he was about to die before it happened.  HE mentions it to HIS disciples that it was imminent.

“As you know, the Passover is two days away—and the Son of Man will be handed over to be crucified.”  Matthew 26:2

JESUS makes it even more evident of HIS coming death by letting them know how important the woman is who poured out her perfume on HIM…

While Jesus was in Bethany in the home of Simon the Leper, a woman came to him with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, which she poured on his head as he was reclining at the table.

When the disciples saw this, they were indignant. “Why this waste?” they asked. “This perfume could have been sold at a high price and the money given to the poor.” 

Aware of this, Jesus said to them, “Why are you bothering this woman? She has done a beautiful thing to me. The poor you will always have with you, but you will not always have me. When she poured this perfume on my body, she did it to prepare me for burial. Truly I tell you, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her.”  Matthew 26: 6-13

As HE shared the Last Supper with HIS disciples, HE also knew one of HIS disciples would betray HIM.  HE foreknew the previous event:   Then one of the Twelve—the one called Judas Iscariot—went to the chief priests and asked, “What are you willing to give me if I deliver him over to you?” So they counted out for him thirty pieces of silver. 16 From then on Judas watched for an opportunity to hand him over.  Matthew 26:14

Even during the meal that night, JESUS made it known who would betray HIM.

Jesus replied, “The one who has dipped his hand into the bowl with me will betray me. The Son of Man will go just as it is written about him. But woe to that man who betrays the Son of Man! It would be better for him if he had not been born.”

Then Judas, the one who would betray him, said, “Surely you don’t mean me, Rabbi?”

Jesus answered, “You have said so.”  Matthew 23-25

Have you ever felt darkness of being betrayed by someone you knew well.  For you, it may be devastating.  JESUS knows and understands what you’ve felt and gone through…

Darkness would fall on Judas Iscariot.

When Judas, who had betrayed him, saw that Jesus was condemned, he was seized with remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and the elders. “I have sinned,” he said, “for I have betrayed innocent blood.”

“What is that to us?” they replied. “That’s your responsibility.”

So Judas threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged himself.  Matthew 27:3-5

You don’t need to respond like Judas!!…  You can turn back to JESUS, ask for forgiveness, and be restored to right relationship with GOD again…  If you have not known JESUS, you can turn to HIM for the first time and ask for forgiveness, ask JESUS to come into your heart and life, and repent to live the new life JESUS paid for, by HIS death, for you to have…

 

JESUS went on to say that night that all the disciples would not stay with HIM even when Peter said that he would still be there for HIM even if all the others weren’t.  Then Peter said he would even die with HIM.  The other disciples also said they would die with HIM.

Then Jesus told them, “This very night you will all fall away on account of me, for it is written:

“‘I will strike the shepherd,
    and the sheep of the flock will be scattered.’

But after I have risen, I will go ahead of you into Galilee.”

Peter replied, “Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will.”

“Truly I tell you,” Jesus answered, “this very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times.”

But Peter declared, “Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you.” And all the other disciples said the same.  Matthew 26: 31-35

Have you ever experienced your friends or family not being there for you in your darkest hour?  JESUS knows and understand this so well…  HE is One who is there for you, will walk with you through it, and lead you into HIS Light if you will trust and abide i\n HIM while waiting for your breakthroughs in GOD’s timing and way…

Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”

Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

40 Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter. 41 “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

42 He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.”

43 When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. 44 So he left them and went away once more and prayed the third time, saying the same thing.

45 Then he returned to the disciples and said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Look, the hour has come, and the Son of Man is delivered into the hands of sinners. 46 Rise! Let us go! Here comes my betrayer!”

Darkness fell upon JESUS.  HE understands the mental, emotional, and spiritual torment that can be experienced in this life…  An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. 44 And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. Luke 22: 43-44  Though JESUS’ experience is to a greater degree, have you ever felt so much anguish awakening from a nightmare or feel like you’re living a nightmare and you’re sweating profusely?  I have!  Again, HE can be relied upon to support you, care for you, and see you through it…  HE loves those with depression and/or mental illness.  It took me 19 years of dealing on and off with depression and mental illness with ongoing faith and trust being placed in JESUS to see HIS victories in my life, HIS peace finally breakthrough during extreme trials/temptations, and HIS perfect love cast out my fears…  If HE did it for me, HE will do it for you too…

JESUS is then betrayed by Judas Iscariot.  Soldiers advance to arrest JESUS.  The disciples pull their swords and one of the disciples cuts off a servant of the high priest’s ear to which JESUS immediately tells them to put away their swords and heals the servant’s ear back into place.

While he was still speaking, Judas, one of the Twelve, arrived. With him was a large crowd armed with swords and clubs, sent from the chief priests and the elders of the people. Now the betrayer had arranged a signal with them: “The one I kiss is the man; arrest him.” Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, “Greetings, Rabbi!” and kissed him.

Jesus replied, “Do what you came for, friend.”[d]

Then the men stepped forward, seized Jesus and arrested him. With that, one of Jesus’ companions reached for his sword, drew it out and struck the servant of the high priest, cutting off his ear.

“Put your sword back in its place,” Jesus said to him, “for all who draw the sword will die by the sword. Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels? But how then would the Scriptures be fulfilled that say it must happen in this way?”

In that hour Jesus said to the crowd, “Am I leading a rebellion, that you have come out with swords and clubs to capture me? Every day I sat in the temple courts teaching, and you did not arrest me. But this has all taken place that the writings of the prophets might be fulfilled.” Then all the disciples deserted him and fled.  Matthew 26: 47-56

Have you ever felt abandoned and left all alone in your troubles?  Though JESUS could have been helped by GOD the FATHER and angels be called upon to save and deliver HIM, HE willingly surrendered.  Was this suicide?  Would he take HIS own life?  No, JESUS would not take HIS own life!!!  HE gave HIS own life… with willingness to die at the hands of those in earthly command by sinners for the benefit of all sinners who would turn to HIM to be saved…  There is an emphatic and distinct difference.  How can you give your life in service to JESUS, rather than take your life ending your opportunities to make a positive difference while alive?  You may find yourself in the midst of the darkest depression or season of your mental illness. If so, you need to rely on JESUS to care for you and even carry you along.  Then begin to practice loving and caring for yourself the way JESUS does until you are able to do that which may help others…  Let HIM rescue, restore, and redeem your life in order to have a testimony to share with others who need your compassion in being an example of what JESUS can also do for them…

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. John 15:13

JESUS was brought before the Sanhedrin, where the chief priests looked for and made up reasons why JESUS should be put to death.  Peter followed within a crowd to see what would happen.  JESUS was accused falsely, spit at, and hit with fists…  During this time, Peter is noticed as one who was seen with JESUS.  Peter had come as far as he was able in his own strength to remain as near JESUS as he could muster.

Now Peter was sitting out in the courtyard, and a servant girl came to him. “You also were with Jesus of Galilee,” she said.

But he denied it before them all. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said.

Then he went out to the gateway, where another servant girl saw him and said to the people there, “This fellow was with Jesus of Nazareth.”

He denied it again, with an oath: “I don’t know the man!”

After a little while, those standing there went up to Peter and said, “Surely you are one of them; your accent gives you away.”

Then he began to call down curses, and he swore to them, “I don’t know the man!”

Immediately a rooster crowed. Then Peter remembered the word Jesus had spoken: “Before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times.” And he went outside and wept bitterly.  Matthew 26: 69-75

Darkness fell on Peter.  He failed in the fight, fell away in fear, and had forsaken JESUS whom he loved in moments of weakened faith.  Maybe you can relate on some level.  You haven’t lived up to who you thought you were or are meant to be.  You were broken by it. JESUS knows and understands!!!…

JESUS goes before the governor Pilate.  He asks JESUS if HE is the King of the Jews?  JESUS replied “You have said so.”  However, when the chief priests and elders were accusing HIM, HE said nothing in response.  Pilate did not want to hand JESUS over to be crucified.  He gave the option of releasing Barabbas, a criminal, or JESUS who is called the Messiah.  The crowd called for Barabbas to be freed.  He asked what do you want to do with JESUS.  They all yelled “crucify HIM!”  Pilate, still not wanting to have JESUS executed, asked for what crime HE had committed.  But the crowd yelled even louder “crucify HIM!”

Have you ever been accused of something you haven’t done?  Or have you ever felt a part of you die when someone accused of you something you did do wrong?  JESUS committed no crime, but was sentenced to die.  Yet he would die for “crimes”.  It was for our crimes (sins) that we have committed.

Then the governor’s soldiers took Jesus into the Praetorium and gathered the whole company of soldiers around him. They stripped him and put a scarlet robe on him, 29 and then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on his head. They put a staff in his right hand. Then they knelt in front of him and mocked him. “Hail, king of the Jews!” they said. 30 They spit on him, and took the staff and struck him on the head again and again. 31 After they had mocked him, they took off the robe and put his own clothes on him. Then they led him away to crucify him.  Matthew 27: -31

Have you ever been humiliated and/or beaten down?  No one has experienced the depths of that which JESUS did.  So HE understands and is compassionate toward you.

Just as there were many who were appalled at him[c]
    his appearance was so disfigured beyond that of any human being
    and his form marred beyond human likeness—  Isaiah 52:14

As the soldiers led HIM away, Simon from Cyrene was made to carry JESUS’ cross.  Two criminals were also executed on either side of JESUS.

When they came to the place called the Skull, they crucified him there, along with the criminals—one on his right, the other on his left. 34 Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”  Luke 23: 33-34

If JESUS forgave those who were putting HIM to death, wouldn’t HE forgive you for whatever you have done!  HE would and HE will…

One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: “Aren’t you the Messiah? Save yourself and us!”

But the other criminal rebuked him. “Don’t you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? 41 We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.”

Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.[d]

Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”  Luke 23: 39-43

JESUS was able to also forgive and accept the criminal dying next to him who had no time to change his actions or fix/make course corrections for his life.  Yet that criminal acknowledged his sin, realized JESUS could save him, and simply asked JESUS to remember him. If you’re still breathing, you are able to turn to JESUS by acknowledging your sin to GOD, believing in JESUS being able to forgive and accept you, and trusting in HIM to remember you to live in HIS Kingdom forevermore…  Ask HIM…  Maybe, you’re remembering a time when you were closer to JESUS, but have strayed and wandered off the path.  You may still make a course correction and return to HIM who is the Shepherd and Overseer of your soul…  It is okay to restart a walk with HIM again…

It was now about noon, and darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon, for the sun stopped shining. And the curtain of the temple was torn in two. Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.” When he had said this, he breathed his last.  Luke 23: 44-46

Has depression and/or a mental illness darkened your view of life right now?  Has it felt as though the brightness of the sun once shining brightly in your life has faded somehow?  Though there is darkness now, there will be a day when the SON will shine all the more brighter again for you… for all who have believed and trusted in JESUS…  if not here, then for sure in Heaven…

GOD’s plan to punish the crimes committed by the world was to place all “our” sins upon HIS SON JESUS.  HE was to die for us, in our place, for GOD to be able to forgive us and take away our sins by HIS death…  All of GOD’s wrath fell upon JESUS, so it wouldn’t fall on us.  GOD let darkness cover the whole land.  Our whole darkness covered HIM.  HE died once and for all.  For you, for me, for all of us…  Will the Light shine again?  Look forward to reading my next post soon to understand better what I mean…  JESUS wouldn’t stay dead…  Life is about to be new…

Isaiah 53

The Suffering Servant

53 Who has believed our message?
And to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?
For He grew up before Him like a tender shoot,
And like a root out of parched ground;
He has no stately form or majesty
That we should look upon Him,
Nor appearance that we should be attracted to Him.
He was despised and forsaken of men,
A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief;
And like one from whom men hide their face
He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.

Surely our griefs He Himself bore,
And our sorrows He carried;
Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken,
Smitten of God, and afflicted.
But He was pierced through for our transgressions,
He was crushed for our iniquities;
The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him,
And by His scourging we are healed.
All of us like sheep have gone astray,
Each of us has turned to his own way;
But the Lord has caused the iniquity of us all
To fall on Him.

He was oppressed and He was afflicted,
Yet He did not open His mouth;
Like a lamb that is led to slaughter,
And like a sheep that is silent before its shearers,
So He did not open His mouth.
By oppression and judgment He was taken away;
And as for His generation, who considered
That He was cut off out of the land of the living
For the transgression of my people, to whom the stroke was due?
His grave was assigned with wicked men,
Yet He was with a rich man in His death,
Because He had done no violence,
Nor was there any deceit in His mouth.

10 But the Lord was pleased
To crush Him, putting Him to grief;
If He would render Himself as a guilt offering,
He will see His offspring,
He will prolong His days,
And the good pleasure of the Lord will prosper in His hand.
11 As a result of the [p]anguish of His soul,
He will see it and be satisfied;
By His knowledge the Righteous One,
My Servant, will justify the many,
As He will bear their iniquities.
12 Therefore, I will allot Him a portion with the great,
And He will divide the booty with the strong;
Because He poured out Himself to death,
And was numbered with the transgressors;
Yet He Himself bore the sin of many,
And interceded for the transgressors.

 

I walk past my dad sleeping on the couch.  He came to get me.  I open the door slowly, quietly.  I close it behind me.  I realize now that it was unwise of me to not get help and go it on my own.  But I didn’t think of getting help until it was too late.  Ask for help if you need it!…

I walk away further than I had been into the darkest night.  I had been walking away for quite some time.  Away from faith and trust in JESUS.  Late nights, barely any sleep.  Trying to get through my university classes and working.  Hadn’t been eating much if not at all for weeks.  Thoughts began turning against me until suicidal.  I realize now I was needing to eat and nourish my body and was part of the reason my mind turned against myself.  Nourish your body so as not to do it damage or cause the wiring in the brain to malfunction/misfire…

As I walked onward, the intensity of the situation became unbearable.  GOD seemed to be warning me and I questioned it wondering if I should turn back.  Then I made the decision to go farther at a quicker pace.  Swarms of mosquitos appear out of nowhere attacking my hypersensitive self to make matters worse and more dreadful than at first.  It was torturous and had never happened to me before nor anytime after.  I think about turning back again.  I continue on instead.  I believe GOD was trying to stop me, but I wouldn’t listen.  I realize now that it wasn’t GOD’s heart for me to do.  GOD doesn’t tempt us to hurt ourselves or to commit suicide and wants us to trust HIM as HE works in and through us to become who HE’s called us to be…

I understand though how someone can get so low as to commit suicide.  I don’t judge, yet I know that GOD’s heart is not for this to be the outcome…

I ended up in a field of abandoned cars.  Ironic that this is how I felt.  Abandoned.  An empty shell of my former self.  Wide open to the elements.  No more human presence.  Not able to go anymore.  Broken spirit like all the engines there.  I sat in one of the doorless vehicles contemplating for hours whether I’d take my life or not.  Then I contemplated what seemed like just minutes or seconds. 2 or 3 times got ready then decided this is it.  It was then as if the enemy of my soul took his heavy pressuring off of me as I attempted.  It was as if he pushed me to that edge.  Then I was left all alone.  So I thought.  I realize now that GOD doesn’t give up on anyone and will help us when we turn back to HIM in trust continuing to live on until HE rebuilds us… Place your trust in GOD to get you through anything by choosing to endure and persevere for there is great reward if you do…

 

I came up for air.  I realize now GOD wouldn’t let me drown, because HE had a plan for my life…  But I didn’t know it then.  GOD has a plan for a hope and a future for you too…

 

Confused.  What did I do?  I was scared.  Cursed.  Accursed?  That is how I felt.  I realize now that GOD has great compassion and enduring mercy.  HE wouldn’t abandon me like the car in the broken empty graveyard.  But I didn’t know it then.  GOD will show you great compassion and enduring mercy to the most difficult things you’ve experienced in your life…  Let HIM help you too…

 

I’m still alive.  Am I though?  I felt so lost, ashamed, and guilt ridden as I walked back.  I realize now GOD would find me, heal me, and forgive me further along the healing journey.   But I didn’t know it then.  At some point GOD will find you, heal you inside, and forgive you too if you ask HIM, seek HIM, and knock for HIM when don’t give up (took time over 19 years to experience healing of various aspects of my mind, heart, soul, and spirit). JESUS is faithful and true and I couldn’t do it on my own without HIM… HE’s brought me this far and I give HIM thanks in all things the good, the bad, and the ugly…

 

As I reached the nearest road, a person pulled over and took me to my apartment with my dad unknowing of one of the darkest moments of my life.  I was so desperate that I didn’t even tell him the seriousness of what I was dealing with.  I realize now that GOD moved on my dad’s heart to come get me traveling over 800 miles after I called my mom and let her know I wasn’t doing good.  If you need to be honest and tell someone you need help too, do it…  It’s ok when you’re feeling so very weak to get support until you’re better… Don’t wait (especially if you’re thinking of suicide and/or not eating…) It’s ok…  Getting help is being human and alive…  If you don’t have anyone, feel free to reach out to me…  Email me at:  jeffandtami@truevine.net

There are emergency numbers to call on this website as well.

To be continued…

A world turn to ice

Rotation seems to stop -test

The roll of the dice

 

Grow up to release stress

Resistance to change

Succumb to nevertheless

 

Desire to be someone

Lost in the night from days depressed

Fade with disappearance of the sun

 

Where becomes the focus more or less

Inward view at darkness strange

Hell on earth felt with mental illness

 

Battle is in my mind

Life or death hangs in the balance hard pressed

Can’t help but look for a sign

 

Negative thoughts overtake intense

Fear and doubt narrows outlooks range

Future dread, past enchains, present in suspense

 

Let go self care

Minimalizing nourishment starving inside as my guest

Brain eating itself deceiving now aware

 

Cold heart mourn trespassed east to west

Soul torn in unrest

Frozen spirit forlorn tests distressed

Mind stuck on warning/warning/warning/warn?!. digress

Perfect storm enters inside to derange

Panic stricken hidden within head’s walls torments

 

Suicide has access

How come I acquiesce

Open the door, crossed the line oppressed

 

Suicidal hours pass suppress

Relentless until possess -success?!.

Drown out voices in excess

 

No such attempt a success…

Come up for air with will still to live reassess

Arise soaken wet convalesce

 

Hitch a ride back to civilization egress

At a loss that death somehow did outguess finality this time, how to process?

Did I go too far with the way I transgress?

 

Parents sullen expression hopeless -turn their back and walk away

My only hope is Heaven above to hear my cries to HIM confess

Scared the enemy stalks in this darkness; hearing breaths closing in for attack as I pray

 

In time JESUS answers to rescue, restore, redeem to repossess

Relationship with the LORD reestablished over the years with interchange

Taken back into the sheepfold to learn trust has been an ongoing process

 

All HE did for me I can’t express fully in my writings or with my spoken words, but I try

Yet, JESUS, is HIS precious name I will forever profess

Since HE has heard my wavering cries, I will walk with HIM no longer to deny for faith, hope, and love now unto others apply…

 

Frozen ice melts with the SON press on Heavenward progress

Saves lives, softens hearts, sanctifies minds, sets spirits free in wondrous and beautiful exchange

Casts out fear with perfect love HE has won to bless…

  

Keep and Hold

Posted: August 27, 2018 in suicidal, Suicide
Tags: ,

 

 

I miss you

I missed you

If given chance…

I’d listen to rants

If given moments…

I’d be there when your were low/tense

If given stance…

I’d stand in the gaps

If given time…

I’d reach out;  for you to find

If given contact…

I’d fill your want/lack

If given reality…

I’d free you from the malady

 

I missed you

I miss you

I’d hold you by the wrist

I’d stop the bleeding in my fist

I’d hold you tight to save your life insist

I’d help you fight temptations of death resist

I’d comfort you inside only forehead kissed

I’d build trust;  confide so pure as a child wished

I’d bring you Truth to hide in your heart enlist

I’d bring you Truth to subside the lies; renew your mind with each needed gist

I’d bring you Truth to abide your soul with Heaven’s bliss

I’d bring you Truth to arise your spirit in freedom exist

I’d stay close by until negativity, fears, and anxieties go away with strength desist

I’d walk beside until encouraged to always seek breakthrough and persist

I’d empower you with faith, hope, and love now and forevermore consist

 

I missed you

I miss you

I’d cup my hand over your mouth

I’d stop the inevitable overdose blackout

I’d be present with you as life went south

I’d be there to answer the cries you shout

I’d encourage you when there was a no hope drought

I’d hold your hand in the darkness to lead you out

I’d show you there’s a faith, hope, and love new route

I’d fight alongside you through each debilitating bout

I’d remind you that as a child of GOD you can carry a more than conqueror with courage clout

I’d help you overcome until new life would sprout

I’d see you grow and be amazed as you became stout

I’d be thankful how GOD turned it all around in what love brings about, no longer know life living the pain of you gone -without

 

I missed you

I miss you

I’d bring back oxygen into and through your throat

I’d stop the suffocating rope

I’d bring you back down to cope

I’d be there so you’re not alone in the dark to grope

I’d make you realize suicide isn’t the only way or the answer;  nope

I’d offer the 3 chord strand of rope to hold onto bringing you back from the slippery slope

I’d love, care, and accept you even when all you can do is mope

I’d encourage you on, no matter the unrelenting negative scope

I’d help you see your genuine internal special qualities as if a microscope

I’d help you see what you’re meant to be and can dream and do beyond the stars as if a telescope

I’d help you see the beauty all around us as if a kaleidoscope

I’d see you again with faith to love, as if reborn, to hope

 

I missed you

I miss you

I’d close down the bar as you were getting drunk

I’d stop you from entering your vehicle taking your keys up

I’d prevent the looming crash that left you unrecognizable in a pile of metal junk

I’d drive you to where I stay watching over you rather than over cliffside plunk

I’d listen with care and support that put you in a stupor and beyond hope sunk

I’d be there whenever you felt despair in the lowest funk

I’d help you until hope returned through the darkest deepest cave spelunk

I’d bring you back out into the Light when your dreams of better life shrunk

I’d speak truth into your heart and mind for your soul and spirit to unwind up from the danger zone pluck

I’d hold on to you as your emotions and mental stress ran amok

I’d encourage you when desires died and death’s only remedy struck until the suicidal thoughts you fought giving you the strength to buck

I’d lead you into faith, hope, and love whenever you got stuck

 

I missed you

I miss you

I’d jump into the waters below until you’re found

I’d stop the water course down until you’re above and no longer drown

I’d not let go, no matter how hard the tumultuous waves pound

I’d swim with you until you reach the shore to stand on the ROCK of Salvation on higher ground

I’d always be around for love, care, and support to surround

I’d continue praying and encouraging until the chains are broken that have you bound

I’d be your joy to your fragile frown

I’d hold you close with every breakdown

I’d pray continually until you calm down and answers are obtained through faith without a sound

I’d make you realize your worth with HIS Word and experience of faith, hope, and love to expound

I’d see you rise above it all to utterly astound

I’d see you far along instead of goodbyes with more love for self and others to abound

 

I missed you

I miss you

I’d prevent you from pulling the trigger done

I’d stop your clenching hand fixed upon the cold steel gun

I’d empty the bullet no longer meant for your premature end leaving us stunned

I’d make you believe you can live on and hope again when there is none

I’d be ready to hold your hand when you feel you have to run

I’d release you from the web of lies around you spun

I’d give you purpose for the breath in your lungs

I’d encourage you to persevere and endure until each battle you’ve won

I’d lead you to life abundantly full and away from all evil shun

I’d help you know you’re not alone and that in your corner is another greater One

I’d remind you there is a Savior, Good Shepherd, and Redeemer in GOD’s own Son

I’d see you free with faith, hope, and love in new life begun

 

I don’t want to have missed you

I don’t want to miss you

HE will keep you from all harms

HE will hold you forever in HIS arms

HE will keep you from above

HE will hold you forever in HIS love

HE will keep you always in HIS care

HE will hold you forever with grace and mercy share

HE will keep you from being left in the dark on your own

HE will hold you forever in the Light shone

HE will keep you until you obtain a sound mind

HE will hold you forever never left behind, so to yourself be kind and with offer of new life soon to find

HE will keep you even to the very end

HE will hold you forever and your soul always defend until all that you are does mend

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Image result for heaven and hell

Fallen deep pit

Hidden pitch black

Walled in steep outwit

Forbidden niche lack

All alone sit

Sudden despair attack

On my own unfit

Backslidden rebellion retract

Mood swings low until hollow only the negativity transmit

Suicidal thoughts screams overthrow into mind hack

Guilt and shame drown with an attempt as reality hit

Stunned in shock with voice stolen by enemy flak

Fear overwhelmed almost overtaken by demons as I waited in transit

Overcome was my soul out of whack

Hell made real stuck between good vs. evil with personality split

 

Sullen weep uplift

Freedom bring back

Called within;  keep lit

Seventy x seven forgiven;  does it make up the slack

Failure of wrongs confess to HIM admit

Open door of hope impact

A 3 chord strand of rope equipped

Burden of apprehension weigh upon unpack

Light of love shone won’t quit

Broken and contrite as a matter of fact

Healing the rift between my heart, soul, and spirit

Kingdom care steer on track

Given a sound mind again as I renew it

Heaven’s destination remind where treasures stack with compassions destiny mine to be exact

Faith to live on now the pre-requisite

 

 

 

 

 

Special someone overseas discovery

Seems so far away in reality

Sincerely settling within compassion near as can be

Searching soul opens up beautifully with pleasantries

Seeking samplings stranded in madness found in the midst of sadness revealing secrets in poetry once hidden merely

Sensations seen of scars unseen into scenes of teardrops bleeding bladed entries

Sighting suicidal thoughts deceiving tendencies

Sweet sierras needing relieving simplicities

Sorrowful screaming voices pleading beyond ones of fatality and fallacies

Salvation’s streaming Light rebirthing into faith, hope, and courage leading from Heaven’s treasuries

Sending soothing second chances fulfilling new found love, grace, and mercies interceding advocacy

Sanctifying stance to persevere past fear superseding in a war of casualties

Strength’s Source will endure to the end… tour of duty heeding toward truths amnesty

Surmounting Spirit-led rise above… disguise not love… cheerfully greeting one another miraculously entreating healing eternally to live on unimaginably

I found this song after I wrote the poem below:

 

Just a passerby

Had I known why

You cry in the night

A pause in my day light

I’d stand beside

Walk with you in the fight

Lead you to hold HIS hand tight

Healing to be found despite the fright

 

Just a passerby

Had I any insight

You stuck in wrongs plight

A pause for prayer to make right

I’d help you understand forgiveness as snow pure white

Standing to intercede with High Priest from Heaven’s height

Lead you to find freedom inside

Healing to be found no longer to hide

 

Just a passerby

Had no one took the time for me nearby

I was unable to fly away into open sky

A pause finds depression stuck in negative thoughts gone awry

You’d have said or thought there’s no hope if I’d confide

Crawling toward silence in my demise wandering into darkness of suicide

Lead me to remember in whom I can confide

Healing to be found where my haunting fears subside

 

Just a passerby

Had You given up on me?  All Your help deny??

I called on You in faith lost and alone despite

A pause with broken spirit heart contrite

You’d answer my prayer to rescue and not despise

Carrying me upon Your shoulder home after finding me leaving ninety-nine

Lead me to safe green pasture… in You I begin to delight

Healing to be found restoring my soul into new life until my spirit reignite no longer on my own left behind to die

 

If you're overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts 
or have a plan for suicide, it is ok to
get help from a mental health professional 
for meds to help support you 
as well as counseling as you look to be hopeful again 
and better manage your precious life 
(especially if you've been abused or experienced trauma in any way)...
You're worthwhile and valuable...
I care about you!!...  Reach out to me anytime...
I want you to be an overcomer and a fighter...
L.ive O.n V.ictorious E.ndeavor
Choose L.O.V.E.; 
L.ift-up I.nspirational F.uture E.ndure
Choose L.I.F.E.

In my acronym, S.T.A.R.T.S. will mean: 

something you do…

something new you do… 

something you continue to do…

Spiritual

Truths

Activated

Renew/Restore/Replenish

Together

Soundness

Personal Thanks to GOD:

Giving thanks honors GOD and is worthwhile to do.  It helps counteract depression and fosters hope in dealing with mental illness and suicidal thoughts…

Psalm 106:1

Praise the Lord.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
    his love endures forever.

Psalm 50:23

23 Those who sacrifice thank offerings honor me,
    and to the blameless I will show my salvation.”

Importance of Giving Thanks:
  • Focuses on something good each day
  • Over time will change perspective to be more positive
  • Challenges you to do self-care and make right decisions
  • Utilizes time to reflect;  may look back at any time to see how far you’ve come
  • See GOD at work in your life;  brings to mind areas and ways you still need HIS help

There are proven scientific studies of the benefits of Gratitude:  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201504/7-scientifically-proven-benefits-gratitude

Promotes well being:

  • relationally
  • physically
  • psychologically
  • in having empathy/less aggression
  • in sleep
  • in self-esteem
  • mentally

Related image

Personal Prayer Application

I experienced well being spiritually as well as in the areas above.  When including thanks in prayers for what you need, there is peace protecting your heart and mind…  Every person with depression and/or mental illness needs this…

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

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Personal Journal Application:

I began by writing down anything I could be thankful for in the evenings before going to sleep.  It became a habit and an essential part of my healing journey.  I jotted down the date and briefly wrote a word or phrase of thanks to GOD.  I have many spiral notebooks full of daily thanksgivings written over many years.  This was a constructive activity that was life changing.  I grew as a person in my interactions with GOD by doing this simple task.  My outlook on life became more hopeful and I experienced more peace inside…

Psalm 9:1

I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart;
    I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.

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Personal Life Application:

Giving thanks for even the most difficult trials and ways we may suffer promote levels of understanding, empathy, and compassion that we can extend to others in need.  It also paves the way for greater healing and breakthroughs along the journey…

I challenge you to make the small effort of giving thanks to GOD and find out for yourself the great and wondrous benefits you will receive to help you in this endeavor called life…  You will be the better for it…

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Colossians 3:17

17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Give thanks in everything

In the trials and the tests

Forgiven as far as East to West

This then is something I can bring

Give thanks for this is HIS will for me

In Christ JESUS through trust

Driven by HIS mercy and compassion I must

This then is still my hearts desire delighting in Thee

Give thanks after I present my requests to receive anything

In hope for HIS Presence to be in me above all

Given wisdom to do HIS will when answering HIS call

This then is HIS promise to guard my heart and mind with peace surpassing understanding

Give thanks YOU died for me to be KING of kings and High Priest interceding

In Heaven at GOD the FATHER’s right hand on the throne

Live in freedom with faith growing in YOU no longer alone

This then is why faith, hope, and love remain in me the reason unto others I’m entreating to be believing

Give thanks to follow your leading

In grace open with new vision

Mission for the Great Commission come to fruition

This then is my decision yielding for lost to be saved pleading

Give thanks forevermore into eternity

In whatever I must overcome I’ll do for YOU

Listen to obey along the narrow path pure and true

This then is my commitment anew bringing within serenity

The Suicide Ripple Effect

Posted: July 6, 2018 in suicidal, Suicide
Tags: ,

 

 

Here is the website to find out more about this movement to help save lives:

http://suicidetherippleeffect.com

Start…

Dictionary.com has a lot of definitions of what it means:  Just reading these may inspire you…

In my acronym, S.T.A.R.T.S. will mean:

 something you do…  

something new you do…

something you continue to do…

 

Spiritual

Truths

Activated

Renew/Restore/Replenish

Together

Soundness

 

I will start to share practical ways, that if put into practice over time, will promote well being in the daily grind and battles that inhabit mental illness…

I will share about that which I myself put into practice and experienced life-changing benefits from…

 

Current Events

Posted: June 16, 2018 in suicidal, Suicide
Tags: ,

Cognizant of suicidal reconnaissance

In epidemic proportions crying / shouting resonance

Can occur in crossfires and crossed wires of conscience

Of most recent events

Shove off;  descent prevents

seeing here again their presence

grieving sincere;  broken hearts commence

 

Suicide’s lateral damages stand against;  an S.O.S. signal up

Family and friends abandoned in the throes laments;  if only shared the dark dismal stuff

What could have been? -gone! -with strong imagination so real now in fragments;  the stark reality rather rebuff

Most won’t reveal a closing cadence or fatalities imminence;  so needed is six sense of mental illness on guard, on standby, on duty inhabiting an abysmal militia

 

;…

Choose to live on;  forego death sentence despite the mind’s perplexing enigma

Seek help until suicidal ideation relents;  until stand atop the vista

Get counsel and meds while in hopeless pretense;  let go of the stigma

 

Giving up the battle leaves the rest of us wounded on the battlefield without suggestions. for the many and the few…

Left with less answers more questions.  Just wanting you here anew…

Were there signs in body language given, words had we listened, clues of despairing decisions, or hints in what mentions????  enough to clue in to your mystery to rescue you…

If only a safe person / a secure place was made available so as to not worsen given special space to open up for breakthrough past the apprehensions.  Love to do and hope to renew in being there, being near, being with construe…

If only you didn’t believe the world would be better off without -within life’s tensions.  And suicide statistics no longer grew…

If only you got guidance for healing and hope to grow within mental, emotional, physical, social, and spiritual dimensions.  Bringing you the whole way through…

If only we responded in time intervening early on or “better late than never” run promoting life extensions.  Prove new life can come true…

 

In a world seems so distant

Hurt occurred shatters dreams in an instant

Suicidal thoughts screams persistent

Potential sought to self harm deem not resistant

 

Takes toll across polar opposites levy one’s mind at war on the battlefield jutting consciousness as a falling sentry

Aches roll loss over heavy on one’s heart torn until broken its seal flooding bawling entry

Forsakes with coldest shoulder frenzy on one’s soul forlorn until battered off keel judging maliciousness sprawling intently

Shakes any cajole off bolder to apprehend one’s spirit mourn belittling to reel trudging hapless stalling empty

 

Mind hostage to what demeans uncertainty to fret hyper aware

Heart hesitant to trusting HIM with burdens HE’d reset to lighter bear

Soul hampered not feeling to worsen needs unmet tired of self care

Spirit hindered not dealing with as if third person heeds regret; inquire of -won’t share

 

The enemy repelling seeks to steal, kill, and destroy to replay the past as a decoy

Everything overwhelming; anything may annoy

Suicide seems compelling when nothing okay to enjoy

Tomorrow leaning toward short selling if something today doesn’t provide a positive ploy

 

JESUS is the gate foretelling; opening to whoever would enter through to be saved with new purpose employ

The Good Shepherd of the sheep, quelling the enemy, came to give life and have it to the full of joy

GOD gives HIS Spirit for encouraging indwelling leading in the way of truth set apart from the world’s alloy

A future and a hope believe promising… propelling a new beginning not an end into Heaven until then obey as love’s choice

 

Suicidal;;;;;;;; yet don’t follow through to end life…

Only for awhile;;;;;;;; HE will see you through that leads to life…

Tribulations, temptations, trials;;;;;;;; HE brings you through out of the dark into the Light of life…

Will walk the extra mile;;;;;;;; Be an encouragement through compassionate words and merciful actions coming alongside to help in this life…

 

 

 

How do I start to express what is in my heart?  The gravity of certain situations pull on my soul that compels me to plead with God to bring HIS healing touch and to show up in a way they will know they are loved and can find hope, faith, and the love they need to continue to live, to fight, and to expect better for their future.  It’s their right to survive and go beyond to thrive…  Stay alive!  why? because I said so and more than that to know JESUS who will show you greater love…  Stay alive!!  why?  because I know there is a hope and future waiting…  Stay alive!!!…  God loves you, is there present with you even when you don’t see or feel HIM, will help you overcome and fight your battles for you, will never leave nor forsake you, prove you’re not alone, and bring you out of dark into Light…

 

 

How do I express I love you to all that I reach out to?  I say “I love you” and mean it which resides deep within from HIS love for me and how HE’s helped me through the darkness that I want you so desperately to know for yourself.  In my heart and mind, they are not weak words, but a great compassion that I’ve been given to which I don’t want to hold back, hide away, nor pretend isn’t there.  I love-love those who have been abused for this love grew within me when God granted me the experiences to work and serve with children and youth in an emergency shelter for over 2 years who were sexually abused, the worse kind of abuse a child can go through.  I lived with them in the home for 4 days of each week helping them through their episodes, their fears at night, their nightmares, and their trust issues.  I was there to greet them in the morning, make them meals, take them to school, help them with homework, take them to special outings, encourage and support them.  This was life changing for me to learn how to love these precious children.  Any of you who have been abused, I have a special love for you and always will…  I have a special love and bond with those I served with who taught me how to love and care in a deeper way, have faith to believe in God to heal, take away nightmares, and bring hope into their hearts and souls and make a way for a brighter future.  At that time, I was learning to be a father figure to those who were not biologically mine.  I have that willingness to adopt anyone needing a loving father to love, care, support, and encourage them in their life who may not have those things evidenced or experiencing now in their life.  Do you need a loving dad?  I will be that for you.  Why?  God has given me a heart for orphans and those abused for this is HIS heart He’s shared with me and put in me to have.  God has given me a heart for those who have mental illness and depression for I too have experienced these struggles and setbacks along the way.  I love you…  God loves you…  I believe the greater your hurt and pain, the greater your compassion to help others will be…  I believe the greater abuse you have experienced, the greater capacity you have to depend on, trust in, and love God more than others ever will…  I believe that you have a hope and a future HE will show you, lead you in, and give to you…

I’m holding on to you… through prayer, through faith, through belief, through the typing of words I hope you know are true…  Will you hold on too!!…  God HIMSELF is holding on to you with HIS mighty right hand lifting you up out of the pit from being stuck and will place you on the Rock of Salvation to stand firm in faith, in belief, in hope, in undying love…  Reach for HIS hand who is trustworthy and faithful to keep you, love you, accept you, heal you, rescue you, and redeem you…  HE will answer you if you ask for help continually…  HE will find you if you seek HIM for HIS help crying out continually…  HE will answer you if you keep knocking on the door and open your heart to HIM continually…  Don’t stop, Don’t give up, Don’t end your precious life…

Change your perspective to that of being or for the first time becoming HIS daughter or son and begin to:

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Let your life find the freedom you are yearning for and desire to have by continuing to live on…  There is great reward on the other side of the pain, hurt, sadness, illness;…

I am not ashamed to say “I love you” to those in need of it the most…  You are who I am called and chosen to love…

When you feel yourself so far away, call out to HIM…

 

 

If you need help, get help.  You can also call me if you want and I’ll be there for you and listen.  806-781-0810

If you feel lost, afraid, broken, unable to fight, HE is there for you to hold you and carry you…

 

 

Always praying…  Always believing…  Always waiting…  Always protecting…  Always trusting… Always hoping… Always persevering… Always loving… for you…  even when you feel you can’t…

Try again with JESUS by your side forevermore…

 

Believe

More than HE may relieve

Believe

More than the enemy attempts to deceive

Believe

More than HE gives to receive

Believe

More than you choose to leave

Believe

More than you have had to grieve

Believe

More than you can conceive

Believe

More than HE has thus far chosen in your life to weave

Believe

More than you achieve

Believe

More than HE has granted reprieve

If I were the rain

I’d wash away the pain

I’d refill your cup with Living Water to sustain

I’d take on your sadness to add to mine to drain away from your soul for new growth to gain and for happiness to maintain until full joy can remain

 

If I were the snow

I’d remind you of forgiveness, whiter inside, to know

I’d cover over your focused on faults and fears so you would continue to grow

I’d melt away the negative thoughts that onward into a hope and a future you’d go

 

If I were the sky

I’d have the clouds say I love you as they pass by

I’d be your hope in endless blue so you’d never have to cry

I’d hold your desires in full view, not to wonder why they don’t come true, until you rise above to grasp them from on high

 

If I were a mountain tall

I’d be the steps to reach the sky for your desires to be more easily and quickly reached, for you not to think impossible, moving gradually upward so you wouldn’t fall

I’d send from above, into your valley whenever you’re stuck, to look again above with a life giving echoing call

I’d stand strong and secure as a place you can always return for comfort never left in suicidal disarray to nervously and hesitantly stall

 

If I were the sun

I’d send my light to the deepest part of your spirit inside to feel acceptance never to shun

I’d light the path to make clear your purpose and vision for which to run

I’d supply the warmth of faith to fill you inside to keep going until you’ve won the race and hear well done

 

If I were the moon

I’d reflect a brighter smile all the while so you knew you brought me joy in the day before lying down in safety’s sleeping soon

I’d reflect the flip side angry face that scares away the evil no longer to be traced, to slow down one’s pace, to not feel you have to act in haste or that life’s a waste, never to feel any doom

I’d reflect comforting soft light preparing you for the next day with grace’s refueling boon

 

If I were the stars

I’d sparkle in such a way to connect the dots making sense of who you are

I’d show you’re nearer to God and others never alone or subpar; guiding your eyes to look above so you’re no longer hiding or straying away into darkness so far away into what the world mars

I’d remind you always of knowing your place in the universe despite the scars

 

If I were the ocean

I’d send into your heart mercy and compassion foregoing the commotion

I’d send wave after wave of healing for your soul to restore in never ending motion

I’d send you treasures from deep within onto your shoreline just because you’re loved and valuable to remind you of the eternal notion

 

If I were a river

I’d flow into your heart peace that will rescue and from all fears deliver

I’d flow inside your heart as the wondrous dream come true giver

I’d flow alongside your life so you’d never feel alone or quiver

 

If I were a lake

I’d surround you with peace whenever you needed a break

I’d let you let go of the stress like rocks thrown and skipped across what you can no longer take

I’d be there to see your reflection to bounce back hope come awake beyond the heartache

 

If I were me

I’d write in such a way you’d see into love’s mystery

I’d say the right words that made a positive difference in you for eternity

I’d be there for you encouraging and supporting you no matter your history

 

If you believed

you’d get more than you can think, ask, or imagine to receive

you’d live life letting go of suicidal ideation for the greater miracle you still will be

you’d no longer give in to the lies that deceive; living in and with a love greater than you can now conceive

 

If only you…

If only…

If…

If

If is not the end…

What if it’s a new beginning…

I’d cheer you on…

You’d…

 

 

 

There is an E.M.S. (Emergency Medical Services) guy who lives across the street.  He is often on call and has to hurry to tend to house calls and traffic accidents etc.  My wife turns to me and says I want you to have freedom to be able to go and save peoples’ lives.  This is another reason that I am doing this blog…

Proverbs_11-30.jpg

One day

She gave freedom

to save and rescue

souls that need You

Accommodate/Reciprocate

 

Like a paramedic on his way

across my street lead on

a wave may crash to go make new

tolls of damage plead for life after death too

Actuate/Resuscitate

 

Do God’s will without delay

getting older not staying young

no regret, gave face like flint, love prove true

holes that bleed breakthrough

Advocate/Rejuvenate

 

Anywhere will pray

brothers and sisters into HIS Kingdom

be brave to rehash sin stint deep pit out of dark withdrew into light construe

goals of planting seed so faith and hope renew that healing may ensue

Alleviate/Recuperate

 

For all those lost and astray

become a beacon to the One and only Son

to pave an in road for repentance from my example how I outlasted and outgrew

patrols to secure in Him indeed by Him freed through reconciliation and restoration forgiven much to love much likewise do

Emulate/Reactivate

 

I needed saving and JESUS and my wife helped see me through:

3rd degree Trauma Ramifications

1st Response Rescue Exclamation

Return to Bishop of Our Souls Proclamation

Trapped and claustrophobic

Sapped strength sobering sick

Tragedy struck stuck in catastrophe

Apathy tuck amok emotions mental agony

Impurity off duty gaze from balcony pause fallacy

Iniquity scoff beauty faze banditry cause casualty

Psychiatric hospital chains bound downtrodden insanity

Automatic little faith remains, sound tears sodden exclamatory

Angel visitation of hope enhances my senses sprung, clung to in her gentle voice

Faithful HIS grace won of rope romances in the trenches flung, brung truth astir implemental choice

Faith to grasp onto JESUS with weakened strength overcoming strewn shortcomings face with HIS watch care

Wraith to gasp into trust in HIM beaconed straight toward becoming, into port homecoming grace topnotch share

New life soon granted outside lockdown shallow dream, hollow scream, undertow deem,

follow extreme facilities to find new reason to live

Grew rife boon planted sprout, abide, knock sound echoing, mellowing, bellowing, I owe

everything tranquility of mind to renew; keys in to give

Discover HIS mended (pick to bless) plan to marry a sent friend forever resulting in

forceful five alive, two unseen exist above; welcome in toward perfected love to

survive

Recover, risen from bed of sickness, stand to carry on, tend children endeavor,

catapulting remorseful drive arrive, youth free of persist rebellion’s sin restored;

elected son of God to thrive

An endless sea

Of human frailty

Suicidal thoughts bury

remotely mostly uncontrolled

Seek a remedy

Avoid a tragedy

Gain new identity

Make memories longevity

to be bold

Soul of beauty

Save, HIS duty

into the sheepfold

Faith walk agree

Hope sets free

Love gives infinitely

inward mold

Wraith grant reprieve

Rope 3-chords interweave

Above, gifts receive

to tightly hold, toward becoming old

Live despite agony

Forgive though guilty

Sieve out malady

out of death paroled

Keep spirit reality

Weep, clear esprit

Steep, near apogee

Deep, stuck fallacy

Leap over negativity

Reap mercy eternally

Heap upward-climb gracefully

doing so for promises foretold

Wait and see

Relate with me

Elate to be

Believe though wary

Perceive light glary

Leave dark adversary

Heave what’s scary

Grieve, onward carry

Retrieve your sanctuary

Conceive future visionary

time one day and forever to behold

No end see

Human fighting relentlessly

Healing occurring continuously

worthwhile endeavor worth more than gold

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Transcendental

Posted: August 4, 2017 in Poems, Suicide
Tags: , ,

Read my poem below, maybe you can relate…

This is one of the first, and may very well be the first poem I ever wrote.  It was when I went away to the university away from home and on my own for the first time.  It didn’t take long to find myself struggling to survive as a wayward youth.  Somehow, I trudged on despite debilitating depression, intimidating fears, and perplexing anxieties to graduate with a Bachelor of Science in Psychology.  A few days later  –  I attempted suicide.   For weeks and months, I hadn’t been eating well.  I was weak and tormenting thoughts were progressing that was leading me into a danger zone.  Danger, Danger, Danger, DANGER.  (Keep away from, Keep out, Keep a close watch, Keep on keeping on)…  I called my parents and told them I wasn’t doing good.  That’s all I could say.  I couldn’t explain it.  They got the point though that something was really wrong.  My dad drove hundreds of miles to come get me.  I was barely hanging on.  He arrived and slept on the couch in my apartment.  I couldn’t sleep, up all night.  In the morning, I walked past him, quietly so as not to wake him, and out the door heading to an unknown destination, to never return.  Even my own dad being feet from me didn’t dissuade me.  I didn’t really want to die… I was in a nightmare state, dumbfounded that I had gotten this low and it had gotten this desperate.  Seconds turned to minutes turned to hours turned to emptiness, turned to what do I do what is going on why why why… I know I’ve made a mistake.  I was wrong.  I am wrong.  I made a wrong turn.  More blacker than black darkness.  I had been deceived, lied to, taken advantaged of, the enemy mocking me, as though now I had been imprisoned in the nightmare of nightmares.

Fortunately, the attempt was unsuccessful… So long -for life to return…  so long -for the Light to turn on… God would soon begin to intervene often through much worse times ahead even though I was unaware I was on a healing journey.  He was leading me to become more than a conqueror through Christ.  I was taken through the depths of deepest darkness, torment, hurt, pain, and hopelessness yet I still hoped, had faith, called out to HIM for HIS help.  HELP ME!!!…  I’m definitely thankful for HIS mercy and help that was to come… That saved me more than once…  That loved me despite my guilt and shame…  That healed me though I didn’t deserve it… That compels me in HIS Love, to reach out to others, to reach out to you…  to reach for you…  to R.E.A.C.H. (Rescue Every Abandoned Child’s Heart)…  to reach YOU… the “you” you despise, the “you” you don’t understand, the “you” who wishes to be someone else, the “you” with unspeakable hurt and pain, the “you” who can’t take it anymore, but will live on…  to reach inside where you may even hide your demons, your abuse, your secret sin, your wounds…  Nothing can dissuade me from loving you…  nothing can dissuade me from accepting you…  nothing you might tell me…  nothing to prevent me from praying for you…  for you to know HIS love, HIS mercy, HIS compassion, HIS forgiveness, HIS healing…  found and secure in HIS LOVE… Though my dad was there to save me, he wasn’t the one who could do it.  It was JESUS, the only One who could and would…  JESUS is the SAVIOR who saves…  JESUS, my SAVIOR, can and will save you…  Let HIM…

Hiding in caves protected by walls

then to sense the winds gentle push call

forth my spirit through the darkened hall

toward the light with not much effort at all

to encounter a world full of wonder that I never saw

before night returns once again to mourn for the life I had taken for granted so long

to allow the waterfall

from my eyes to flood for the first time since a baby when I’d bawl

about afflictions so easy then, but now with hesitation to wait for the torrential

downpour of  being lost and afraid rush forth into the storms awe

inspiring intensity precipitating overflow from a once assumed dry and deserted hearts

core and the gall

to leave me drenched and saturated with pain, loneliness, and sadness so emotional

that I can’t recall experiencing a bolt of lightning striking me down so small

and helpless while thunder relentlessly echoes an undeniable

message of force warning me to arise and seek shelter, but weakened and drained I stall

wading in a sea of doubt reaching for the shore to be overcome however by crushing

waves to be withdrawn

into the depths in descent toward the ocean’s floor, spiraling in a whirlpool of what could

have been now gone

as I sink through hurricanes of shame to bury under the sand in attempt to escape for a

long

hibernation where rest is assured and dreams become ones only energy as I yawn

for the last time in preparation for sleep without warning to be uprooted by a tornado

telling me I was wrong

to pretend that this was the end, but just a beginning sending me somewhere I haven’t

been for renewal

to take place abandoned as a glacier of ice embedded and cold upon the hardened

ground anticipating the thaw

to form a streams current to carry me through the forest of fears under the branches

and leaves creating a shawl

overhead blocking the glimmering sun enshrouded by darkness waiting for dawn

of a brighter day ahead and rainbows of hope to suddenly appear not to be my final

stand as I awaken to the howl of wolves shouting at the moon stating their claim that

not everyone is restful

in a dwelling of safety to realize the cruelty of their intentions to devour, enclosing

upon me as I lay helpless as a new born fawn

relying on a mother no longer found struggling to get up and learn to walk but only to

crawl

I’m shaken, bewildered, and desperately in need of senses regained from the clouds of

denial that have been so reliable

If you need emergency help:

Get help now…  Call…

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org

For U.S.:

http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html

For International Countries:

http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

 

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Disclaimer and Terms of Use: Suicide.org is provided for informational and educational purposes only; is not intended to diagnose or treat suicidal individual; and is not intended to constitute medical advice. While care has been taken in the preparation of the information contained on Suicide.org, all information is provided on an “as is” basis without any representation, warranty or condition, whether express or implied, statutory or otherwise, as to: quality; accuracy; completeness; legality; reliability; efficacy; or fitness for any particular purpose. Anyone using this information does so at his or her own risk, and by using such information agrees to indemnify Suicide.org and its content providers from any and all liability, loss, injury, damages, costs and expenses (including legal fees and expenses) arising from such person’s use of the information and resources on this website. Anyone who is suicidal should call 911 now and receive help from trained mental heath professionals.

Suicide.org - Suicide Prevention, Awareness, and Support

Suicide.org is a 501c3 NON-PROFIT Organization and Website

Suicide.org Suicide Survivors Forum – Click for Info!

International Suicide Hotlines


>> Click Here for U.S. Suicide Hotlines <<


International Suicide Hotlines
(Outside of the United States)

Please click on your country below:

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Disclaimer and Terms of Use: Suicide.org is provided for informational and educational purposes only; is not intended to diagnose or treat suicidal individual; and is not intended to constitute medical advice. While care has been taken in the preparation of the information contained on Suicide.org, all information is provided on an “as is” basis without any representation, warranty or condition, whether express or implied, statutory or otherwise, as to: quality; accuracy; completeness; legality; reliability; efficacy; or fitness for any particular purpose. Anyone using this information does so at his or her own risk, and by using such information agrees to indemnify Suicide.org and its content providers from any and all liability, loss, injury, damages, costs and expenses (including legal fees and expenses) arising from such person’s use of the information and resources on this website. Anyone who is suicidal should call 911 now and receive help from trained mental heath professionals.

There is the bird who once was childlike free who didn’t know what kind of bird he was to be, nor did he care, for life was carefree/cage free. Then upon life circumstances with upheaval, taken away from his nest and known territory, he was caged by depression not trusting in others for many years that were, if in a normal upbringing, meant to be growing in confidence with close relationships to the flock, but did not. Love from his relatives were gone. The love of his immediate family was not enough.  There were a few friends of the same feather that helped somewhat along the juvenile journey. For the most part though, he didn’t trust any birds and began to hate them.  Then upon meeting another bird, who happened to be caged worse than he, was surprisingly set free by his willingness to be a friend to listen and be there for support, and so he too was freed from his own cage seeing the door open and wanted to help others from now on. He began to care. This became another aspect of freedom not known before that gave his life purpose and meaning. Then he met another special bird and a new type of love occurred of a greater trust and acceptance to enjoy more time together in a bond of friendship. However, they became separated after a time ~across an ocean’s distance~, knowing he could go back to the cage, did not. Now a stronger love was something altogether new and wonderful enough to pursue again. Then he met upon another special bird and tried to be more free than before, yet it wasn’t meant to be. He was too immature, not ready for such commitment. What to do?  So he looked up and asked for help. He came to know more about his Creator and the Savior. He was shown care in an unexpected manner and was shown a new way, new truth, and new life. He was set free to taste its goodness and was no longer as depressed, fearful, and anxious anymore. Life was good again with room to breathe the open air, chicklike once again. This time flying in higher skies, finding the wondrous updrafts never known before.  He enjoyed this special time with other birds who had learned of HIS wondrous Love. Then he moved away from his family to learn how to live on his own. Life was an adventure and so much did the world have to offer. He didn’t hang around the birds anymore that shared His Love. He spent less time learning to soar.  Alone now, he tried to fly around closer to the ground, often stumbling, hitting barriers and obstacles to find more freedom along the way apart from his family, apart from that special unconditional Love of his friends, and apart from the Creator who had shown him such unique and profound Love, but chose to go after what hurt his soul, mind, heart, and spirit instead and became caged worse than before, pulled down by the world’s gravity and felt the shadows of death looming, nearing, taking over, drowning under. He gave up, unable to fly at all, and tried to die. A feeling so dark, desperate, and separate from pure true love that he needed, wanted, and cried out for overwhelmed him… He was wounded by careless lust and pride and lost his will and ability to fly.  He did not die however, and instead was caged more securely. This terrifying dread was worse.  Fearful of life and fearful of death.  Utter despair!  He knew he couldn’t fly out of this.  He couldn’t walk or even crawl out.  Would anyone help?  No, another bird would not help. Well, there was one bird, for only a few minutes of time came over to him, shared from the heart, that gave a glimmer of hope to which he was thankful -so he didn’t give up. He cried out to the only One who could save him, who had shown him that unconditional freeing Love once again, from the lowest and deepest of depths. Soon, after his cries were heard, the bird was released to start a new life, a miracle release. This time, the bird would not go back to the cruelty of the world’s temptations. He began to desire helping other birds again and so trudged on foot with the hope he could make a positive difference.  He began to feel the freedom in offering kindness and encouragement to others once again.  Love was being restored within.  There was evidence that he was, in fact, impacting other birds for good.  Once again, he attempted to love another bird that also was not meant to be (he was trying to fly, but still disabled). Then, the bird he was meant to be with, appeared, and new life began again and near this wonderful bird began to heal and fly alongside, now two together as one family and baby chicks were born to raise. However, the bird still faced the reminders and memories of the dark path, where demon vultures lurked who wanted him to die, hating that he had been released in the first place (for he had come so very close to death’s decay). He was soon imprisoned in a cage more tightly, this seemingly more hopeless than ever. Wait a minute -just a second, with no time to spare, he was miraculously released again. On and off he fluttered with broken wings and awful scars and floundered as though he would be better as a fish. He turned to his Savior more than ever and the bird found courage and strength in his Creator and fought with faith, trust, and desire to know the ultimate freedom that was not found in his struggle toward death, but found in the struggle to live and discover the purpose and hope awaiting him; the reason he was here in the first place… He could have easily given up and just died or try suicide again. He found and learned of a love for his Creator, his Savior, his mate, his chicks and a love for others growing. Love with love in himself was to be given away. But life being life still had its problems and challenges. He was caged several more times in places he was not fond of at all, but the steel bars were only temporary. Then, even though he was caged, he no longer saw the bars. He was free if he was caged and he was more free when he was not. Yet, with each caging, he began to face his fears to continue overcoming the darkness that had been trying to capture him, overtake him, and destroy him ever since a very young chick. Death and curses did not prevail; Light dispersed all darkness; wherein life and blessing won ultimately. LOVE did not fail!!!… LOVE does not fail…  LOVE never fails… So this is not the end, but one of many beginnings for this eagle he realized he was, at one time began to think of himself and act only as a chicken, who now soars on the Creator’s wind updrafts with much needed grace… all because the Creator’s mercy and compassion were given for one struggling to live life, for one facing death many times, and for one continuing to get up to learn to fly and discover the purpose and a hope prepared in advance for him to be and do…  Now, he doesn’t fear death, yet will not choose to kill himself. More importantly than this is that he no longer fears to live…

Isaiah 40:30-31

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;  but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

 

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godsheart_12-2.jpg

For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.  John 3:16

We find out here that God loves the world…  That means you are included.

God gave His Son…  That means you can receive JESUS as His most precious and personal gift to you.

whoever believes in Him…  That means you can believe no matter your situation, failure, mental illness, abuse, suicidal thoughts, hurt, loss, pain.

shall not perish…  That means you don’t need to commit suicide, fear death (even though there are times you still fear death), worry about the unknown (even though you may worry often), think you’ll be left alone on your own to suffer without hope, fear separation from a loving God since you will be guaranteed to not ever go to that awful and terrifying place called hell

have eternal life…  That means you get to have a special destination that is set and secure, after this life on earth, to go to; forever living without fear, anxiety, pain, sickness, depression, suicidal thoughts, mental illness in Heaven… ongoing peace, protection, provision… never ending peace, joy, love…

Go to GOD’s Heart part 2:

https://suicidenotmyheart.wordpress.com/2017/07/27/know-gods-heart-pt-2/

 

 

Suicide; Not God’s Heart

Suicide is not My intent, abundant life I desire to give

Died on a cross did My Son I sent, to believe and receive forgiveness and grace in order to live

JESUS is risen overcoming sin and death to intercede, never to leave you or be forsken

A hope and a future in being set free, vision and purpose conceived in being awakened

As far as the east is to the west, so far has HE removed our transgressions from us

For the least and all the rest, who holds lives and everything together in being the Faithful One we can trust

Come to the throne of grace in time of need, to receive mercy and grace HE will impart

Delight yourself in the LORD indeed, and you will be given the desires of your heart

Will you trust ME with your pain?

I’m the One who took your sin’s stains and shame…

Will you trust ME with your heart ache?

I created you and are not a mistake

Will you hold on to My promises that set you free?

Let me strengthen you as you wait with faith to just believe

Will you love the One who first loved you?

I knew you before you were and your times are in My hands, so I will work all

things for your good in making all things new…

Will you hold on to ME?

And the height, width, depth, and breadth of My love to one day see…

Will you let me comfort you in your suffering?

I daily bear your burdens and will be a constant in life’s buffering…

Will you turn to ME for healing rather than what the world offers that’s temporarily appealing?

Let ME fill you with My peace and joy to overflowing past inadequate feelings and give back more than the enemy was stealing