Posts Tagged ‘suicide attempt’

Into a crisis

Gone to psychosis

What’s the prognosis

In the event -should I say? prevent -too late? circumvent -is there a way?

Doesn’t look good

If appearances could

Speak louder would

YOU give up on me to reject? YOU remain silent to forget? YOU leave up to fate to neglect?

Where only death is imminent

In the natural

Low stature recall

Mind fracture appall

I gave up to waste away

I gave up on myself as if to erase

Yet remembered to embrace the Way, the Truth, and the Life with an about face

Mustard seed faith

One chance relate

Would HE resuscitate?

All I am dependent without support of family

All I do is fret about the enemy

All I can manage is to wait on YOU to relent from sending calamity

Enter the supernatural

Heard my call

Uplifts after fall

HE begins a rescue mission despite my regret in a dream state

Somehow enters the picture beyond too late

Begins to guide me on righteous paths that are straight

What future awaits

Where nurture permeates

A searcher ruminates

About HIS Savior until HIS love exonerates after repentance to now emulate

A follower resonates in the care of the Shepherd who directs my steps and orders my life anew into faith, hope, and love HE orchestrates

A servant concentrates on obeying the KING of kings and LORD of lords whose grace, mercy, and compassion increasingly motivates this new life that equates to forgiveness, restoration, and redemption in Christ who emanates

Could have been me

Easily

No longer breathe

A tragedy

That fateful day

After astray

Suicide attempt betray

Fallen away?

 

Come up for air

Aware of sun’s glare

Empty

Deaths door no more dare

Stare with fear beyond repair

Eerily 

Get up and walk again

What happened

Accursed me 

Lost and afraid wide open

Cost only delayed beside broken

Eternally?

 

Many years fought fear aplenty

Desperately

Remain to breathe

A fallacy?

3 times denied enter confined in hospital of psychiatry

Repeated malady

Shown again and again and again mercy

Restored faithfully

 

Walk by faith this 4th time trusting in continuing

Beyond my dignity

Lay down my life to fully losing it resurfacing

Found life resurrecting

Keep the faith in HIS truth liberating

Beyond understanding

Await the day set free releasing

Love overcomes fear ceasing

 

Now help with burdens to bear

For all the suicidal and mentally ill care

Resiliency

Persevere to share

That faith, hope, and love will always be there

As a remedy

Awaited on HIM for new strength again

In HIS time the mind, heart, soul, and spirit mend

Redeeming

Words inspired by HIS life given

Driven by HIS love with purpose and vision

Into eternity…

I recently shared my suicide attempt story with Anne Moss Rogers who is an author, a public speaker, and a suicide prevention trainer.  She is the site owner of the Emotionally Naked Blog. Her son Charles Aubrey Rogers died by suicide on June 5, 2015.  Anne has dedicated her life to help others who have suffered the loss of a loved one and to help prevent suicide through awareness and training.  She allows others to share their stories and is a voice of hope with a compassionate heart.  She carries precious memories of her son as she carries on to make a positive difference in this world…

Here is the article I wrote:  https://annemoss.com/2020/01/06/a-suicide-attempt-survivor-speaks-out/

I walk past my dad sleeping on the couch.  He came to get me.  I open the door slowly, quietly.  I close it behind me.  I realize now that it was unwise of me to not get help and go it on my own.  But I didn’t think of getting help until it was too late.  Ask for help if you need it!…

I walk away further than I had been into the darkest night.  I had been walking away for quite some time.  Away from faith and trust in JESUS.  Late nights, barely any sleep.  Trying to get through my university classes and working.  Hadn’t been eating much if not at all for weeks.  Thoughts began turning against me until suicidal.  I realize now I was needing to eat and nourish my body and was part of the reason my mind turned against myself.  Nourish your body so as not to do it damage or cause the wiring in the brain to malfunction/misfire…

As I walked onward, the intensity of the situation became unbearable.  GOD seemed to be warning me and I questioned it wondering if I should turn back.  Then I made the decision to go farther at a quicker pace.  Swarms of mosquitos appear out of nowhere attacking my hypersensitive self to make matters worse and more dreadful than at first.  It was torturous and had never happened to me before nor anytime after.  I think about turning back again.  I continue on instead.  I believe GOD was trying to stop me, but I wouldn’t listen.  I realize now that it wasn’t GOD’s heart for me to do.  GOD doesn’t tempt us to hurt ourselves or to commit suicide and wants us to trust HIM as HE works in and through us to become who HE’s called us to be…

I understand though how someone can get so low as to commit suicide.  I don’t judge, yet I know that GOD’s heart is not for this to be the outcome…

I ended up in a field of abandoned cars.  Ironic that this is how I felt.  Abandoned.  An empty shell of my former self.  Wide open to the elements.  No more human presence.  Not able to go anymore.  Broken spirit like all the engines there.  I sat in one of the doorless vehicles contemplating for hours whether I’d take my life or not.  Then I contemplated what seemed like just minutes or seconds. 2 or 3 times got ready then decided this is it.  It was then as if the enemy of my soul took his heavy pressuring off of me as I attempted.  It was as if he pushed me to that edge.  Then I was left all alone.  So I thought.  I realize now that GOD doesn’t give up on anyone and will help us when we turn back to HIM in trust continuing to live on until HE rebuilds us… Place your trust in GOD to get you through anything by choosing to endure and persevere for there is great reward if you do…

 

I came up for air.  I realize now GOD wouldn’t let me drown, because HE had a plan for my life…  But I didn’t know it then.  GOD has a plan for a hope and a future for you too…

 

Confused.  What did I do?  I was scared.  Cursed.  Accursed?  That is how I felt.  I realize now that GOD has great compassion and enduring mercy.  HE wouldn’t abandon me like the car in the broken empty graveyard.  But I didn’t know it then.  GOD will show you great compassion and enduring mercy to the most difficult things you’ve experienced in your life…  Let HIM help you too…

 

I’m still alive.  Am I though?  I felt so lost, ashamed, and guilt ridden as I walked back.  I realize now GOD would find me, heal me, and forgive me further along the healing journey.   But I didn’t know it then.  At some point GOD will find you, heal you inside, and forgive you too if you ask HIM, seek HIM, and knock for HIM when don’t give up (took time over 19 years to experience healing of various aspects of my mind, heart, soul, and spirit). JESUS is faithful and true and I couldn’t do it on my own without HIM… HE’s brought me this far and I give HIM thanks in all things the good, the bad, and the ugly…

 

As I reached the nearest road, a person pulled over and took me to my apartment with my dad unknowing of one of the darkest moments of my life.  I was so desperate that I didn’t even tell him the seriousness of what I was dealing with.  I realize now that GOD moved on my dad’s heart to come get me traveling over 800 miles after I called my mom and let her know I wasn’t doing good.  If you need to be honest and tell someone you need help too, do it…  It’s ok when you’re feeling so very weak to get support until you’re better… Don’t wait (especially if you’re thinking of suicide and/or not eating…) It’s ok…  Getting help is being human and alive…  If you don’t have anyone, feel free to reach out to me…  Email me at:  jeffandtami@truevine.net

There are emergency numbers to call on this website as well.

To be continued…

Why must I

Rhyme

In or out of sync

Succinct

Out the window

At a weeping willow

Reset sleep onto pillow

Fellowship wherever the wind does blow

Silhouette alone in the shadow 

Won’t make an innuendo in the end though

Crescendo

 

Why fight

Rhythm this time

How meaning will link

Brink

Of disaster thrown

Or laughter sown

Here and now known

No matter, will own

Then or later grown

Happily ever… shown

After… on into Heaven go

 

Stronger than wrong

Longer than right come and gone

Not for long, back again like a favorite song

Wrong turn, then turn back onto the narrow road walk along

Mercy new with the dawn 

Only because of YOU I belong

With faith, hope, and love I’m drawn

By YOUR Spirit conquer not with brawn

To be YOUR witness to the throng

Beyond the suicide attempt with new life prolong

 

Never will forget 

Not kept a secret

Spoken to let 

You get set

To live anew now met

With rebirth beget

Pure and true to offset

Beyond your regret

And no longer to fret 

For in HIS hands are always kept

 

 

 

Childhood left far behind

Memories though remind

Of innocence 

And freedom

For a time

 

Crushes left far behind

Memories though remind

Of interest

Other than just me

And mine

 

Hometown left far behind

Memories though remind

Of stability

And familiarity

Entwined

 

New to now old places left far behind

Memories though remind

Of adjustment not ready

And coping unsteady

Disinclined

 

Youth growing pains left far behind

Memories though remind

Of failures in choices made

And mistakes in decisions strayed

Misaligned

 

Broken relationships left far behind

Memories though remind

Of awkwardness

And immaturity

Combined

 

Peace and hope soon left far behind

Memories though remind

Of JESUS changing my demeanor

And self-esteem with composure

Aligned 

 

Friends and family left far behind

Memories though remind

Of being lost and afraid

And sin’s cost betrayed

Unrefined

 

Relationship with HIM left far behind

Memories though remind

HE’s the only way, the truth, and the life

Of shock to feel forsaken

And suicidal thoughts overtaken

Inclined

 

Realities once known left far behind

Memories though remind

Of faith in HIM for HIS mercy plead for

And only HE can rescue to restore

A sound mind

 

From psych hospital left far behind

Memories though remind

Of the pain and darkness tumbling

And life moving forward in starkness stumbling 

Blind

 

Seek HIM whom I left far behind

Memories though remind

Of mental illness diagnosis

And depression with psychosis

Confined

 

New opportunities with purpose I thought were left far behind

Memories though remind

Of HIS truth and kindness shown before

And HIS Word anew choosing to seek HIM to implore

Unwind

 

Someone close I’d have to leave far behind

Memories though remind

Of HIS choice for me to marry

And HIS way, truth, and the life chosen though I’d tarry

Outlined

 

Another episode into psych hospital again I thought was left far behind

Memories though remind

Of fears revisited and hallucinations come alive

And paranoia riveted inside

Divide

 

Another miracle release yet I felt left far behind

Memories though remind

Of continuing to call on HIS name for help and fears increased to cease to be set free

And so weak, weary, and wavering I’d barely hold on to a sense of reality

Contrived

 

Somehow I’d live and work with a growing family beside trying to leave the negative far behind

Memories though remind

Of hit and miss volleys of episodes small and large in magnitude

And the loss of less and less aptitude 

Maligned 

 

There were times I’d be alright with new peace and hope replacing what I wanted left far behind

Memories though remind

Of peace and hope not lasting for long

And I was a step away from a sense of security being gone

Unbind

 

My life crashed down again heading back to another psych hospital that I couldn’t leave far behind

Memories though remind

Of the wreckage I was causing my family broken apart

And damage of decades of doubt taken its toll on my heart

Deride

 

This time I’d protect my wife and fight the enemy and my demons I thought I left far behind

Memories though remind

Of failed attempts, of fear inept, and darkness’s depths while looking above

And yet I chose to walk by faith each step of the way confronting each giant to slay -along came love

To guide

 

My sense of love for my family upon seeing them I never want to leave far behind

Memories though remind

Of desire to fight to keep and to hold them close

And choose to put HIM first and love HIM most

Abide

 

I’d falter once again to enter the psych hospital and another battle escalated with the enemy of my soul who wants me left far behind

Memories though remind

Of faith, hope, and love that remains and the Spirit within to fight the war ensued outside

And HE proves faithful to be there by my side to protect my family, then to center me to defeat my enemy of pride, of lies, of disguise, of negative ties that have followed me from behind

Tried

 

I fight the good fight with HIS grace, mercy, forgiveness, encouragement, and compassion that has not left me far behind

Memories though remind

Of the battles that still need to be fought for others to know the truth

And become HIS disciple who follows with faith, hope, and love as proof

Decide

 

HE promises to never leave nor forsake when trust HIM, so there’s no fear of what’s left far behind

Memories though remind

Of praying on the armor and saving souls as wise being a soldier who will fight on the frontline

And to press on Heavenward to win the prize as a reflection of HIS Light to shine

Realigned

 

HE didn’t leave me far behind, but left the ninety-nine to come after me to find

Memories though remind

Of the deepest, darkest pit I fell into, that I might see -what HE bought would continue to pursue with love’s stride open to what frees

And to show and tell of HIS rescue, not just for me -but for you too HE will do until we’re made new… from above provide in what HE’s

Designed

 

 

 

 

 

I was down, down so low, in a pit solo

But let’s keep it on the down low

Why share how devastating it was?

Who would want to know, anyway?

Anyway, I held on by a thread of faith

My mind agonizing in the darkness for some peace to find

Anyway, I reached out blindly with my heart for hope

My eyes straining in the darkness for some light to appear

Anyway, I longed deeply with my soul for love

My emotions drowning in the darkness for someone to lift me up

Anyway, I pleaded insistently with my spirit for mercy

My past caving in, my present wearing thin, my future dimmed and ending?

Anyway, I continued breathing, I kept going, I continued living, I kept breaking

My entire life leading up to a tragedy?  I can’t believe all this! -yet me is still alive now in a nightmare? 

Anyway, I am shocked that my mortality is bared open in the frozen harsh elements where only demons jaunt and my enemy ready to pounce

My equilibrium is off to never never land and I don’t understand anything going on

Anyway, this can’t be happening cascading into fear, fading fast disappear? Awaiting at death’s door panicking here

My reality disintegrating after starving myself, attempting suicide, found myself in psychosis with no longer self-control, just a failure, just a waste, just a stumbling shell of what I once was

Anyway, HE showed me mercy, extended to me grace, cared for me with compassion to grow in faith, hope, and love when crawling learning to stand, when staggering yearning to walk, when tripping returning to run, when fainting burning to soar

My life was given back to me that I didn’t deserve and I couldn’t ever earn this gift

Anyway, I now carry on with how HE rescued, restored, and redeemed me…

I once was down, down so low, in a pit solo

But I have to share how I’m not there in that dreadful place anymore and no longer left alone…

Image result for recommitment

I admit I lost my way

A long time before

I walked away

There was nothing more

A youth to the world did sway

Nothing more to live for

My whole life bent toward decay

Within alone losing a war

Without HIM falling astray

With all of me closing doors

Saying my goodbye that day

No longer a prayer towards

Downward spiral hides sun’s rays

Carried by waves far from shore

Darkness overtakes where demons play

Losing hold of reality to ignore

Thoughts in mind collide into a daze

No longer eating much in store

Thoughts in mind attack into a haze

Depression has reached the core

Mental illness enters a new phase

Suicidal encompasses every pore

No longer can make it out of the maze

A call for help is made too late implore

Dark night of the soul crippling tase

Leave to attempt suicide ending the uproar

A compromised life with past of guilt and shame in fear at did gaze

 

I recommit to find HIS way

Even though worse off than before

I cry out from far away

There in the distance I want HIM more

A youth Heavenward don’t want to sway

Faith, wavering, believe more to live for

My whole life vent for HIM to save from decay

Within alone, only for HIM invite to fight my war

Without others to help, HE seeks this lost sheep astray

With all of me knocking for HIM to open my heart’s door

Reunion to come inside being there for me every day

Weaker, but stronger in prayer towards

Lifting me up from the pit to see again sun’s rays

Walks on water rescuing from drowning leading me to shore

Darkness is Light to HIM and the demons will flee from play

Winning HE holds my reality and doesn’t ignore

Renewing my mind to get out of a daze

Eating meals again to regain strength in store

Fight the good fight thinking on truth to see through the haze

Depression lifting for HE has reached into my core

With mental illness, HE is strong entering into redemptions phase

Desiring to live right anew with grace, mercy, and compassion releasing from every pore

Now stronger HE leads me into the land of the living out of the maze

A call on HIS name saves me and wasn’t too late for HIM when I’d implore

HE is ever ready and willing to enter the dark night of the soul healing from what did tase

Retrieved me after my attempt from suicide ending the uproar

A new life for a hope and a future free of guilt and shame without fear into HIS eyes will gaze

Image result for recommitment