Archive for the ‘Suicide’ Category

I walk past my dad sleeping on the couch.  He came to get me.  I open the door slowly, quietly.  I close it behind me.  I realize now that it was unwise of me to not get help and go it on my own.  But I didn’t think of getting help until it was too late.  Ask for help if you need it!…

I walk away further than I had been into the darkest night.  I had been walking away for quite some time.  Away from faith and trust in JESUS.  Late nights, barely any sleep.  Trying to get through my university classes and working.  Hadn’t been eating much if not at all for weeks.  Thoughts began turning against me until suicidal.  I realize now I was needing to eat and nourish my body and was part of the reason my mind turned against myself.  Nourish your body so as not to do it damage or cause the wiring in the brain to malfunction/misfire…

As I walked onward, the intensity of the situation became unbearable.  GOD seemed to be warning me and I questioned it wondering if I should turn back.  Then I made the decision to go farther at a quicker pace.  Swarms of mosquitos appear out of nowhere attacking my hypersensitive self to make matters worse and more dreadful than at first.  It was torturous and had never happened to me before nor anytime after.  I think about turning back again.  I continue on instead.  I believe GOD was trying to stop me, but I wouldn’t listen.  I realize now that it wasn’t GOD’s heart for me to do.  GOD doesn’t tempt us to hurt ourselves or to commit suicide and wants us to trust HIM as HE works in and through us to become who HE’s called us to be…

I understand though how someone can get so low as to commit suicide.  I don’t judge, yet I know that GOD’s heart is not for this to be the outcome…

I ended up in a field of abandoned cars.  Ironic that this is how I felt.  Abandoned.  An empty shell of my former self.  Wide open to the elements.  No more human presence.  Not able to go anymore.  Broken spirit like all the engines there.  I sat in one of the doorless vehicles contemplating for hours whether I’d take my life or not.  Then I contemplated what seemed like just minutes or seconds. 2 or 3 times got ready then decided this is it.  It was then as if the enemy of my soul took his heavy pressuring off of me as I attempted.  It was as if he pushed me to that edge.  Then I was left all alone.  So I thought.  I realize now that GOD doesn’t give up on anyone and will help us when we turn back to HIM in trust continuing to live on until HE rebuilds us… Place your trust in GOD to get you through anything by choosing to endure and persevere for there is great reward if you do…

 

I came up for air.  I realize now GOD wouldn’t let me drown, because HE had a plan for my life…  But I didn’t know it then.  GOD has a plan for a hope and a future for you too…

 

Confused.  What did I do?  I was scared.  Cursed.  Accursed?  That is how I felt.  I realize now that GOD has great compassion and enduring mercy.  HE wouldn’t abandon me like the car in the broken empty graveyard.  But I didn’t know it then.  GOD will show you great compassion and enduring mercy to the most difficult things you’ve experienced in your life…  Let HIM help you too…

 

I’m still alive.  Am I though?  I felt so lost, ashamed, and guilt ridden as I walked back.  I realize now GOD would find me, heal me, and forgive me further along the healing journey.   But I didn’t know it then.  At some point GOD will find you, heal you inside, and forgive you too if you ask HIM, seek HIM, and knock for HIM when don’t give up (took time over 19 years to experience healing of various aspects of my mind, heart, soul, and spirit). JESUS is faithful and true and I couldn’t do it on my own without HIM… HE’s brought me this far and I give HIM thanks in all things the good, the bad, and the ugly…

 

As I reached the nearest road, a person pulled over and took me to my apartment with my dad unknowing of one of the darkest moments of my life.  I was so desperate that I didn’t even tell him the seriousness of what I was dealing with.  I realize now that GOD moved on my dad’s heart to come get me traveling over 800 miles after I called my mom and let her know I wasn’t doing good.  If you need to be honest and tell someone you need help too, do it…  It’s ok when you’re feeling so very weak to get support until you’re better… Don’t wait (especially if you’re thinking of suicide and/or not eating…) It’s ok…  Getting help is being human and alive…  If you don’t have anyone, feel free to reach out to me…  Email me at:  jeffandtami@truevine.net

There are emergency numbers to call on this website as well.

To be continued…

 

Gone in an instant

Nearby or distant

Happen so fast

Only memories last

It seems a dream

Or nightmare’s scream

Unborn never breathe

A child too soon leave

A youth in their prime

Runs out of time

Young adult taken

Feel heartache forsaken

Parent no longer near

Who offers advice to steer

Elderly wear thin so frail

Just give out a heart fail

Are you lost in despair

When life just isn’t fair

How can I understand

All I know HE has a plan

Trust in JESUS through trials

Keep in touch all the while

Get through it no matter

Stay closer rather than scatter

Hold on to the Lifeline

Faith, hope, and love find

You’re alive now for a reason

Even if it may be only a season

You’re time too will come

When it does go to HIS Kingdom

Only if you believe on the LORD

HE bought what money couldn’t afford

A room just for you better than a mansion

No more fear, pain, sickness, death fathom

You brought near by HIS blood essence

Don’t give in to suicide; await HIS Presence

For there is great reward to persevere and endure

More than a conqueror overcome severe until secure

One day forevermore eternity into later reunion

No longer daily uncertainty into greater communion 

Where the end is not the end only buffering

Accept there will be an end to lonely suffering 

Into new beginnings Rock of Salvation’s war scars underpinnings

With thanksgivings lock in ovations for Morningstar’s winnings

Open wide HIS gates for those who walk the straight and narrow

Broken stride awaits body brand new walk in strength beyond marrow

Dry as desert desolate come alive HE will deliver again 

By Living Water treasured activate dive in HIS river to mend

Renews mind to be sound, clear, instill with peace

Redeems heart to freely pound no fear beyond downhill ceased

Restores soul to be found appear new will lease

Replenishes inside gracefully abound, sincere, day to day still increased

Refreshes spirit bountifully surround, near, fulfilled, released

Remains HE will be to the end found even until after deceased…

 

A world turn to ice

Rotation seems to stop -test

The roll of the dice

 

Grow up to release stress

Resistance to change

Succumb to nevertheless

 

Desire to be someone

Lost in the night from days depressed

Fade with disappearance of the sun

 

Where becomes the focus more or less

Inward view at darkness strange

Hell on earth felt with mental illness

 

Battle is in my mind

Life or death hangs in the balance hard pressed

Can’t help but look for a sign

 

Negative thoughts overtake intense

Fear and doubt narrows outlooks range

Future dread, past enchains, present in suspense

 

Let go self care

Minimalizing nourishment starving inside as my guest

Brain eating itself deceiving now aware

 

Cold heart mourn trespassed east to west

Soul torn in unrest

Frozen spirit forlorn tests distressed

Mind stuck on warning/warning/warning/warn?!. digress

Perfect storm enters inside to derange

Panic stricken hidden within head’s walls torments

 

Suicide has access

How come I acquiesce

Open the door, crossed the line oppressed

 

Suicidal hours pass suppress

Relentless until possess -success?!.

Drown out voices in excess

 

No such attempt a success…

Come up for air with will still to live reassess

Arise soaken wet convalesce

 

Hitch a ride back to civilization egress

At a loss that death somehow did outguess finality this time, how to process?

Did I go too far with the way I transgress?

 

Parents sullen expression hopeless -turn their back and walk away

My only hope is Heaven above to hear my cries to HIM confess

Scared the enemy stalks in this darkness; hearing breaths closing in for attack as I pray

 

In time JESUS answers to rescue, restore, redeem to repossess

Relationship with the LORD reestablished over the years with interchange

Taken back into the sheepfold to learn trust has been an ongoing process

 

All HE did for me I can’t express fully in my writings or with my spoken words, but I try

Yet, JESUS, is HIS precious name I will forever profess

Since HE has heard my wavering cries, I will walk with HIM no longer to deny for faith, hope, and love now unto others apply…

 

Frozen ice melts with the SON press on Heavenward progress

Saves lives, softens hearts, sanctifies minds, sets spirits free in wondrous and beautiful exchange

Casts out fear with perfect love HE has won to bless…

  

Keep and Hold

Posted: August 27, 2018 in suicidal, Suicide
Tags: ,

 

 

I miss you

I missed you

If given chance…

I’d listen to rants

If given moments…

I’d be there when your were low/tense

If given stance…

I’d stand in the gaps

If given time…

I’d reach out;  for you to find

If given contact…

I’d fill your want/lack

If given reality…

I’d free you from the malady

 

I missed you

I miss you

I’d hold you by the wrist

I’d stop the bleeding in my fist

I’d hold you tight to save your life insist

I’d help you fight temptations of death resist

I’d comfort you inside only forehead kissed

I’d build trust;  confide so pure as a child wished

I’d bring you Truth to hide in your heart enlist

I’d bring you Truth to subside the lies; renew your mind with each needed gist

I’d bring you Truth to abide your soul with Heaven’s bliss

I’d bring you Truth to arise your spirit in freedom exist

I’d stay close by until negativity, fears, and anxieties go away with strength desist

I’d walk beside until encouraged to always seek breakthrough and persist

I’d empower you with faith, hope, and love now and forevermore consist

 

I missed you

I miss you

I’d cup my hand over your mouth

I’d stop the inevitable overdose blackout

I’d be present with you as life went south

I’d be there to answer the cries you shout

I’d encourage you when there was a no hope drought

I’d hold your hand in the darkness to lead you out

I’d show you there’s a faith, hope, and love new route

I’d fight alongside you through each debilitating bout

I’d remind you that as a child of GOD you can carry a more than conqueror with courage clout

I’d help you overcome until new life would sprout

I’d see you grow and be amazed as you became stout

I’d be thankful how GOD turned it all around in what love brings about, no longer know life living the pain of you gone -without

 

I missed you

I miss you

I’d bring back oxygen into and through your throat

I’d stop the suffocating rope

I’d bring you back down to cope

I’d be there so you’re not alone in the dark to grope

I’d make you realize suicide isn’t the only way or the answer;  nope

I’d offer the 3 chord strand of rope to hold onto bringing you back from the slippery slope

I’d love, care, and accept you even when all you can do is mope

I’d encourage you on, no matter the unrelenting negative scope

I’d help you see your genuine internal special qualities as if a microscope

I’d help you see what you’re meant to be and can dream and do beyond the stars as if a telescope

I’d help you see the beauty all around us as if a kaleidoscope

I’d see you again with faith to love, as if reborn, to hope

 

I missed you

I miss you

I’d close down the bar as you were getting drunk

I’d stop you from entering your vehicle taking your keys up

I’d prevent the looming crash that left you unrecognizable in a pile of metal junk

I’d drive you to where I stay watching over you rather than over cliffside plunk

I’d listen with care and support that put you in a stupor and beyond hope sunk

I’d be there whenever you felt despair in the lowest funk

I’d help you until hope returned through the darkest deepest cave spelunk

I’d bring you back out into the Light when your dreams of better life shrunk

I’d speak truth into your heart and mind for your soul and spirit to unwind up from the danger zone pluck

I’d hold on to you as your emotions and mental stress ran amok

I’d encourage you when desires died and death’s only remedy struck until the suicidal thoughts you fought giving you the strength to buck

I’d lead you into faith, hope, and love whenever you got stuck

 

I missed you

I miss you

I’d jump into the waters below until you’re found

I’d stop the water course down until you’re above and no longer drown

I’d not let go, no matter how hard the tumultuous waves pound

I’d swim with you until you reach the shore to stand on the ROCK of Salvation on higher ground

I’d always be around for love, care, and support to surround

I’d continue praying and encouraging until the chains are broken that have you bound

I’d be your joy to your fragile frown

I’d hold you close with every breakdown

I’d pray continually until you calm down and answers are obtained through faith without a sound

I’d make you realize your worth with HIS Word and experience of faith, hope, and love to expound

I’d see you rise above it all to utterly astound

I’d see you far along instead of goodbyes with more love for self and others to abound

 

I missed you

I miss you

I’d prevent you from pulling the trigger done

I’d stop your clenching hand fixed upon the cold steel gun

I’d empty the bullet no longer meant for your premature end leaving us stunned

I’d make you believe you can live on and hope again when there is none

I’d be ready to hold your hand when you feel you have to run

I’d release you from the web of lies around you spun

I’d give you purpose for the breath in your lungs

I’d encourage you to persevere and endure until each battle you’ve won

I’d lead you to life abundantly full and away from all evil shun

I’d help you know you’re not alone and that in your corner is another greater One

I’d remind you there is a Savior, Good Shepherd, and Redeemer in GOD’s own Son

I’d see you free with faith, hope, and love in new life begun

 

I don’t want to have missed you

I don’t want to miss you

HE will keep you from all harms

HE will hold you forever in HIS arms

HE will keep you from above

HE will hold you forever in HIS love

HE will keep you always in HIS care

HE will hold you forever with grace and mercy share

HE will keep you from being left in the dark on your own

HE will hold you forever in the Light shone

HE will keep you until you obtain a sound mind

HE will hold you forever never left behind, so to yourself be kind and with offer of new life soon to find

HE will keep you even to the very end

HE will hold you forever and your soul always defend until all that you are does mend

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Image result for heaven and hell

Fallen deep pit

Hidden pitch black

Walled in steep outwit

Forbidden niche lack

All alone sit

Sudden despair attack

On my own unfit

Backslidden rebellion retract

Mood swings low until hollow only the negativity transmit

Suicidal thoughts screams overthrow into mind hack

Guilt and shame drown with an attempt as reality hit

Stunned in shock with voice stolen by enemy flak

Fear overwhelmed almost overtaken by demons as I waited in transit

Overcome was my soul out of whack

Hell made real stuck between good vs. evil with personality split

 

Sullen weep uplift

Freedom bring back

Called within;  keep lit

Seventy x seven forgiven;  does it make up the slack

Failure of wrongs confess to HIM admit

Open door of hope impact

A 3 chord strand of rope equipped

Burden of apprehension weigh upon unpack

Light of love shone won’t quit

Broken and contrite as a matter of fact

Healing the rift between my heart, soul, and spirit

Kingdom care steer on track

Given a sound mind again as I renew it

Heaven’s destination remind where treasures stack with compassions destiny mine to be exact

Faith to live on now the pre-requisite

 

 

 

 

 

Image result for stranded

Image result for stranded

Special someone overseas discovery

Seems so far away in reality

Sincerely settling within compassion near as can be

Searching soul opens up beautifully with pleasantries

Seeking samplings stranded in madness found in the midst of sadness revealing secrets in poetry once hidden merely

Sensations seen of scars unseen into scenes of teardrops bleeding bladed entries

Sighting suicidal thoughts deceiving tendencies

Sweet sierras needing relieving simplicities

Sorrowful screaming voices pleading beyond ones of fatality and fallacies

Salvation’s streaming Light rebirthing into faith, hope, and courage leading from Heaven’s treasuries

Sending soothing second chances fulfilling new found love, grace, and mercies interceding advocacy

Sanctifying stance to persevere past fear superseding in a war of casualties

Strength’s Source will endure to the end… tour of duty heeding toward truths amnesty

Surmounting Spirit-led rise above… disguise not love… cheerfully greeting one another miraculously entreating healing eternally to live on unimaginably

 

 

Image result for stranded help

 

I found this song after I wrote the poem below:

 

Just a passerby

Had I known why

You cry in the night

A pause in my day light

I’d stand beside

Walk with you in the fight

Lead you to hold HIS hand tight

Healing to be found despite the fright

 

Just a passerby

Had I any insight

You stuck in wrongs plight

A pause for prayer to make right

I’d help you understand forgiveness as snow pure white

Standing to intercede with High Priest from Heaven’s height

Lead you to find freedom inside

Healing to be found no longer to hide

 

Just a passerby

Had no one took the time for me nearby

I was unable to fly away into open sky

A pause finds depression stuck in negative thoughts gone awry

You’d have said or thought there’s no hope if I’d confide

Crawling toward silence in my demise wandering into darkness of suicide

Lead me to remember in whom I can confide

Healing to be found where my haunting fears subside

 

Just a passerby

Had You given up on me?  All Your help deny??

I called on You in faith lost and alone despite

A pause with broken spirit heart contrite

You’d answer my prayer to rescue and not despise

Carrying me upon Your shoulder home after finding me leaving ninety-nine

Lead me to safe green pasture… in You I begin to delight

Healing to be found restoring my soul into new life until my spirit reignite no longer on my own left behind to die