In the event -should I say? prevent -too late? circumvent -is there a way?
Doesn’t look good
If appearances could
Speak louder would
YOU give up on me to reject? YOU remain silent to forget? YOU leave up to fate to neglect?
Where only death is imminent
In the natural
Low stature recall
Mind fracture appall
I gave up to waste away
I gave up on myself as if to erase
Yet remembered to embrace the Way, the Truth, and the Life with an about face
Mustard seed faith
One chance relate
Would HE resuscitate?
All I am dependent without support of family
All I do is fret about the enemy
All I can manage is to wait on YOU to relent from sending calamity
Enter the supernatural
Heard my call
Uplifts after fall
HE begins a rescue mission despite my regret in a dream state
Somehow enters the picture beyond too late
Begins to guide me on righteous paths that are straight
What future awaits
Where nurture permeates
A searcher ruminates
About HIS Savior until HIS love exonerates after repentance to now emulate
A follower resonates in the care of the Shepherd who directs my steps and orders my life anew into faith, hope, and love HE orchestrates
A servant concentrates on obeying the KING of kings and LORD of lords whose grace, mercy, and compassion increasingly motivates this new life that equates to forgiveness, restoration, and redemption in Christ who emanates
Monday came; she stood there waiting, locked gaze in suspended time, then walked away because I couldn’t respond as if in a daze
I pray she knows HIS love all her days…
~
Mistakes I dare to share
Open up not sure she’d even care
Return the favor listening, revealing all unaware
College, first relationship, burdens to bear
Found solace for a short time so rare
She had to leave across the sea and I let go too scared
I pray she finds HIM suddenly out of no where
~
Mistakes I regret
Awkward, unsure, how to interpret
Searching for identity unkept
College, second relationship, just met
A whirlwind transpires; I easily make her upset
She gave it one last chance; I hurt her heart and can’t forget
I pray she experiences HIS joy each day on reset
~
Mistakes of getting too close without commitment
Except our faith in GOD, we’d abstain from being intimate
Taking a chance after my suicide attempt and mental illness onset
Singles group in church, third relationship, her a divorcee with a daughter, could we reinvent
GOD would make it clear we weren’t meant to be in marriage represent
She was saddened, but moved on to start her own family circumvent
I pray she always has HIS encouragement and a love for HIM that’s fervent
~
Through all my mistakes I came to find HIM anew
My refocus in relationship with HIM intertwined with her and grew
Drawn together as we served HIS children in love’s purpose pure and true
Times well spent with each other set in motion HIS will to pursue
It is evident we were meant to be a family within HIS faith, hope, and love through and through
She has fought to win battles with the enemy as revealed by scars and wounds
She has fought to win battles for me in the midst of my darkest hours now removed
She has fought to win battles for herself of declined health faithful to be there for our children proved
I pray she feels HIS love through me continually, reveals HIS love through our children repeatedly, conceals within HIS love fully to share assuredly, and kneels with me in awe of what the LORD has done mercifully in Heaven one day and then walk together as best friends for all eternity…
I recently shared my suicide attempt story with Anne Moss Rogers who is an author, a public speaker, and a suicide prevention trainer. She is the site owner of the Emotionally Naked Blog. Her son Charles Aubrey Rogers died by suicide on June 5, 2015. Anne has dedicated her life to help others who have suffered the loss of a loved one and to help prevent suicide through awareness and training. She allows others to share their stories and is a voice of hope with a compassionate heart. She carries precious memories of her son as she carries on to make a positive difference in this world…
I walk past my dad sleeping on the couch. He came to get me. I open the door slowly, quietly. I close it behind me. I realize now that it was unwise of me to not get help and go it on my own. But I didn’t think of getting help until it was too late. Ask for help if you need it!…
I walk away further than I had been into the darkest night. I had been walking away for quite some time. Away from faith and trust in JESUS. Late nights, barely any sleep. Trying to get through my university classes and working. Hadn’t been eating much if not at all for weeks. Thoughts began turning against me until suicidal. I realize now I was needing to eat and nourish my body and was part of the reason my mind turned against myself. Nourish your body so as not to do it damage or cause the wiring in the brain to malfunction/misfire…
As I walked onward, the intensity of the situation became unbearable. GOD seemed to be warning me and I questioned it wondering if I should turn back. Then I made the decision to go farther at a quicker pace. Swarms of mosquitos appear out of nowhere attacking my hypersensitive self to make matters worse and more dreadful than at first. It was torturous and had never happened to me before nor anytime after. I think about turning back again. I continue on instead. I believe GOD was trying to stop me, but I wouldn’t listen. I realize now that it wasn’t GOD’s heart for me to do. GOD doesn’t tempt us to hurt ourselves or to commit suicide and wants us to trust HIM as HE works in and through us to become who HE’s called us to be…
I understand though how someone can get so low as to commit suicide. I don’t judge, yet I know that GOD’s heart is not for this to be the outcome…
I ended up in a field of abandoned cars. Ironic that this is how I felt. Abandoned. An empty shell of my former self. Wide open to the elements. No more human presence. Not able to go anymore. Broken spirit like all the engines there. I sat in one of the doorless vehicles contemplating for hours whether I’d take my life or not. Then I contemplated what seemed like just minutes or seconds. 2 or 3 times got ready then decided this is it. It was then as if the enemy of my soul took his heavy pressuring off of me as I attempted. It was as if he pushed me to that edge. Then I was left all alone. So I thought. I realize now that GOD doesn’t give up on anyone and will help us when we turn back to HIM in trust continuing to live on until HE rebuilds us… Place your trust in GOD to get you through anything by choosing to endure and persevere for there is great reward if you do…
I came up for air. I realize now GOD wouldn’t let me drown, because HE had a plan for my life… But I didn’t know it then. GOD has a plan for a hope and a future for you too…
Confused. What did I do? I was scared. Cursed. Accursed? That is how I felt. I realize now that GOD has great compassion and enduring mercy. HE wouldn’t abandon me like the car in the broken empty graveyard. But I didn’t know it then. GOD will show you great compassion and enduring mercy to the most difficult things you’ve experienced in your life… Let HIM help you too…
I’m still alive. Am I though? I felt so lost, ashamed, and guilt ridden as I walked back. I realize now GOD would find me, heal me, and forgive me further along the healing journey. But I didn’t know it then. At some point GOD will find you, heal you inside, and forgive you too if you ask HIM, seek HIM, and knock for HIM when don’t give up (took time over 19 years to experience healing of various aspects of my mind, heart, soul, and spirit). JESUS is faithful and true and I couldn’t do it on my own without HIM… HE’s brought me this far and I give HIM thanks in all things the good, the bad, and the ugly…
As I reached the nearest road, a person pulled over and took me to my apartment with my dad unknowing of one of the darkest moments of my life. I was so desperate that I didn’t even tell him the seriousness of what I was dealing with. I realize now that GOD moved on my dad’s heart to come get me traveling over 800 miles after I called my mom and let her know I wasn’t doing good. If you need to be honest and tell someone you need help too, do it… It’s ok when you’re feeling so very weak to get support until you’re better… Don’t wait (especially if you’re thinking of suicide and/or not eating…) It’s ok… Getting help is being human and alive… If you don’t have anyone, feel free to reach out to me… Email me at: jeffandtami@truevine.net
There are emergency numbers to call on this website as well.
New opportunities with purpose I thought were left far behind
Memories though remind
Of HIS truth and kindness shown before
And HIS Word anew choosing to seek HIM to implore
Unwind
Someone close I’d have to leave far behind
Memories though remind
Of HIS choice for me to marry
And HIS way, truth, and the life chosen though I’d tarry
Outlined
Another episode into psych hospital again I thought was left far behind
Memories though remind
Of fears revisited and hallucinations come alive
And paranoia riveted inside
Divide
Another miracle release yet I felt left far behind
Memories though remind
Of continuing to call on HIS name for help and fears increased to cease to be set free
And so weak, weary, and wavering I’d barely hold on to a sense of reality
Contrived
Somehow I’d live and work with a growing family beside trying to leave the negative far behind
Memories though remind
Of hit and miss volleys of episodes small and large in magnitude
And the loss of less and less aptitude
Maligned
There were times I’d be alright with new peace and hope replacing what I wanted left far behind
Memories though remind
Of peace and hope not lasting for long
And I was a step away from a sense of security being gone
Unbind
My life crashed down again heading back to another psych hospital that I couldn’t leave far behind
Memories though remind
Of the wreckage I was causing my family broken apart
And damage of decades of doubt taken its toll on my heart
Deride
This time I’d protect my wife and fight the enemy and my demons I thought I left far behind
Memories though remind
Of failed attempts, of fear inept, and darkness’s depths while looking above
And yet I chose to walk by faith each step of the way confronting each giant to slay -along came love
To guide
My sense of love for my family upon seeing them I never want to leave far behind
Memories though remind
Of desire to fight to keep and to hold them close
And choose to put HIM first and love HIM most
Abide
I’d falter once again to enter the psych hospital and another battle escalated with the enemy of my soul who wants me left far behind
Memories though remind
Of faith, hope, and love that remains and the Spirit within to fight the war ensued outside
And HE proves faithful to be there by my side to protect my family, then to center me to defeat my enemy of pride, of lies, of disguise, of negative ties that have followed me from behind
Tried
I fight the good fight with HIS grace, mercy, forgiveness, encouragement, and compassion that has not left me far behind
Memories though remind
Of the battles that still need to be fought for others to know the truth
And become HIS disciple who follows with faith, hope, and love as proof
Decide
HE promises to never leave nor forsake when trust HIM, so there’s no fear of what’s left far behind
Memories though remind
Of praying on the armor and saving souls as wise being a soldier who will fight on the frontline
And to press on Heavenward to win the prize as a reflection of HIS Light to shine
Realigned
HE didn’t leave me far behind, but left the ninety-nine to come after me to find
Memories though remind
Of the deepest, darkest pit I fell into, that I might see -what HE bought would continue to pursue with love’s stride open to what frees
And to show and tell of HIS rescue, not just for me -but for you too HE will do until we’re made new… from above provide in what HE’s
Until stopped -suicidal, suicide attempt, make it out somehow, mental illness diagnosed, negative thoughts fights now with faith, hope, and love; relapses then go to HIM who understands and delivers from again and again and again
