Archive for the ‘suicidal’ Category

Broken Dream Until Mended Reality

Posted: April 11, 2021 in battles, believe, broken dream, compassion, confidence, counsel, darkness, Death, depression, direction, Dream, dreams, encourage, endure, faith, faithfulness, fears, fills our cup, focus, forgiveness, Freedom, future, God, grace, guidance, HE makes all things new, healing, heart, heaven, HIS Life, HIS Love, HIS Presence, HIS Spirit, HIS Truth, HIS will, HIS WORD, Hope, inspiration, Jesus, Life, life and blessing, Light, live, Love, meant to be, mental illness, mercy, mind, move forward, new, new life, nightmares, open door, paths of righteousness, peace, persevere, Poems, pouring out your heart, pressing on, promises, pure, purpose, redemption, regret, renew, rescue, rest, restore, Resurrection, revive, reward, setting us free, shame, sins, soar, soul, Spirit, suicidal, suicidal ideation, suicidal thoughts, Suicide, tears, the Way, the Truth, and the Life, time, Trust, truth, vision, walk again, weary and heavy burdened, wisdom
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There is grace for every broken dream

Onward walk to continue being

Onward unseen until mended reality seeing

Onward forward steps keep repeating

Onward go on for you’re worth your heart beating

Onward becoming who you’re meant to be rather than retreating or worse yet leaving

Onward knowing HE lives at the right hand of GOD with scars for you interceding

Onward heeding HIS voice of encouraging to continue enduring and persevering even if for now it’s just breathing

On HIM always lean…

~

Press on rather than regress despite feeling depressed

Pass the test to go on beyond the trials and tribulations that oppress

Continue with faith in the SON for making progress

Continue to hope in HIM to find rest

Continue in HIS love which is greatest and will work out what is best

Choose life and blessing over death and cursing that HE died to give you as your inspiring and motivating quest

Draw near to HIM and HE will draw nearer sincerest as you pour out your heart to HIM in confidence rather than those feelings just suppress

Reassess life as a maturing process, mess of sin with guilt and shame confess to find forgiveness, and then will profess HIS evidence realized further along life’s journey of HIS faithfulness

Focus is more when there is less…

~

Less to not weigh you down in fear replaced by HIS love held dear

Less worry in your heart found in HIM who makes it disappear

Less weary chasing after empty success that falls aground like tears

Less willful of your own plans that fail here

Less want of the world’s lust wandering into sin that causes pain and torment so severe

Less wasting away in your illness with HIS acceptance of all that you are by caring for yourself to improve mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health adhere

Less wavering in unbelief by simply believing HE will turn your life around with HIS patience and gentleness steer

Less wondering about what ifs of the past that HE uses in your future to help others made more clear

Less while HE becomes more to you during your extended years

~

More faith in HIS truth so you’re no longer unruly that will no longer duly offend

More hope and trust in HIS ways you can truly depend on now that you’re newly opened

More love in HIS life abiding to be a light shining in darkness to give freely and often

More mercy from HIS healing throne of Heaven that is new every morning sent

More compassion from HIS heart to listen to others vent -even from suicide may prevent

More grace from HIS hand to lead and guide you along righteous paths that will leave no regret in retrospect

More of HIS Spirit welcoming within who will comfort you with HIS Presence, counsel you with HIS wisdom, and care for your well-being with moans expressed according to GOD’s will for your life when words of prayer fail to connect

More delighting in HIM to be given the desires of your heart meant to mend your dreams again made relevant where nightmares can’t circumvent

More freedom will come after suffering through a set timeframe where to live is Christ and to die is gain that is effective when wait on GOD’s timing and not your own as you wait to resurrect into HIS arms as Heaven’s resident

~

Wait on HIM for new strength returning to soar above the storms on eagle’s wings freeing

Wait on HIM for renewing your mind with truth until having soundness of peace releasing

Wait on HIM for reviving your heart recreating within purity and right desires brought back into the land of the living reconvening

Wait on HIM for rescue unto redemption forthcoming that will restore your soul and implore within you vision, purpose, and meaning that’s increasing

Wait on HIM for refilling your cup to overflowing until refreshing your spirit into HIS will agreeing and being a doer of HIS Word unleashing

Wait on HIM watching as HE wins every battle in your war raging against the enemy who attempts at deceiving

Wait on HIM to direct your steps through open doors revealing

Wait on HIM for HIS promises open handed toward until receiving

Wait on HIM for complete healing that makes you whole whether here on earth or there in Heaven as the great reward for continually believing

Into a crisis

Gone to psychosis

What’s the prognosis

In the event -should I say? prevent -too late? circumvent -is there a way?

Doesn’t look good

If appearances could

Speak louder would

YOU give up on me to reject? YOU remain silent to forget? YOU leave up to fate to neglect?

Where only death is imminent

In the natural

Low stature recall

Mind fracture appall

I gave up to waste away

I gave up on myself as if to erase

Yet remembered to embrace the Way, the Truth, and the Life with an about face

Mustard seed faith

One chance relate

Would HE resuscitate?

All I am dependent without support of family

All I do is fret about the enemy

All I can manage is to wait on YOU to relent from sending calamity

Enter the supernatural

Heard my call

Uplifts after fall

HE begins a rescue mission despite my regret in a dream state

Somehow enters the picture beyond too late

Begins to guide me on righteous paths that are straight

What future awaits

Where nurture permeates

A searcher ruminates

About HIS Savior until HIS love exonerates after repentance to now emulate

A follower resonates in the care of the Shepherd who directs my steps and orders my life anew into faith, hope, and love HE orchestrates

A servant concentrates on obeying the KING of kings and LORD of lords whose grace, mercy, and compassion increasingly motivates this new life that equates to forgiveness, restoration, and redemption in Christ who emanates

Could have been me

Easily

No longer breathe

A tragedy

That fateful day

After astray

Suicide attempt betray

Fallen away?

 

Come up for air

Aware of sun’s glare

Empty

Deaths door no more dare

Stare with fear beyond repair

Eerily 

Get up and walk again

What happened

Accursed me 

Lost and afraid wide open

Cost only delayed beside broken

Eternally?

 

Many years fought fear aplenty

Desperately

Remain to breathe

A fallacy?

3 times denied enter confined in hospital of psychiatry

Repeated malady

Shown again and again and again mercy

Restored faithfully

 

Walk by faith this 4th time trusting in continuing

Beyond my dignity

Lay down my life to fully losing it resurfacing

Found life resurrecting

Keep the faith in HIS truth liberating

Beyond understanding

Await the day set free releasing

Love overcomes fear ceasing

 

Now help with burdens to bear

For all the suicidal and mentally ill care

Resiliency

Persevere to share

That faith, hope, and love will always be there

As a remedy

Awaited on HIM for new strength again

In HIS time the mind, heart, soul, and spirit mend

Redeeming

Words inspired by HIS life given

Driven by HIS love with purpose and vision

Into eternity…

I walk past my dad sleeping on the couch.  He came to get me.  I open the door slowly, quietly.  I close it behind me.  I realize now that it was unwise of me to not get help and go it on my own.  But I didn’t think of getting help until it was too late.  Ask for help if you need it!…

I walk away further than I had been into the darkest night.  I had been walking away for quite some time.  Away from faith and trust in JESUS.  Late nights, barely any sleep.  Trying to get through my university classes and working.  Hadn’t been eating much if not at all for weeks.  Thoughts began turning against me until suicidal.  I realize now I was needing to eat and nourish my body and was part of the reason my mind turned against myself.  Nourish your body so as not to do it damage or cause the wiring in the brain to malfunction/misfire…

As I walked onward, the intensity of the situation became unbearable.  GOD seemed to be warning me and I questioned it wondering if I should turn back.  Then I made the decision to go farther at a quicker pace.  Swarms of mosquitos appear out of nowhere attacking my hypersensitive self to make matters worse and more dreadful than at first.  It was torturous and had never happened to me before nor anytime after.  I think about turning back again.  I continue on instead.  I believe GOD was trying to stop me, but I wouldn’t listen.  I realize now that it wasn’t GOD’s heart for me to do.  GOD doesn’t tempt us to hurt ourselves or to commit suicide and wants us to trust HIM as HE works in and through us to become who HE’s called us to be…

I understand though how someone can get so low as to commit suicide.  I don’t judge, yet I know that GOD’s heart is not for this to be the outcome…

I ended up in a field of abandoned cars.  Ironic that this is how I felt.  Abandoned.  An empty shell of my former self.  Wide open to the elements.  No more human presence.  Not able to go anymore.  Broken spirit like all the engines there.  I sat in one of the doorless vehicles contemplating for hours whether I’d take my life or not.  Then I contemplated what seemed like just minutes or seconds. 2 or 3 times got ready then decided this is it.  It was then as if the enemy of my soul took his heavy pressuring off of me as I attempted.  It was as if he pushed me to that edge.  Then I was left all alone.  So I thought.  I realize now that GOD doesn’t give up on anyone and will help us when we turn back to HIM in trust continuing to live on until HE rebuilds us… Place your trust in GOD to get you through anything by choosing to endure and persevere for there is great reward if you do…

 

I came up for air.  I realize now GOD wouldn’t let me drown, because HE had a plan for my life…  But I didn’t know it then.  GOD has a plan for a hope and a future for you too…

 

Confused.  What did I do?  I was scared.  Cursed.  Accursed?  That is how I felt.  I realize now that GOD has great compassion and enduring mercy.  HE wouldn’t abandon me like the car in the broken empty graveyard.  But I didn’t know it then.  GOD will show you great compassion and enduring mercy to the most difficult things you’ve experienced in your life…  Let HIM help you too…

 

I’m still alive.  Am I though?  I felt so lost, ashamed, and guilt ridden as I walked back.  I realize now GOD would find me, heal me, and forgive me further along the healing journey.   But I didn’t know it then.  At some point GOD will find you, heal you inside, and forgive you too if you ask HIM, seek HIM, and knock for HIM when don’t give up (took time over 19 years to experience healing of various aspects of my mind, heart, soul, and spirit). JESUS is faithful and true and I couldn’t do it on my own without HIM… HE’s brought me this far and I give HIM thanks in all things the good, the bad, and the ugly…

 

As I reached the nearest road, a person pulled over and took me to my apartment with my dad unknowing of one of the darkest moments of my life.  I was so desperate that I didn’t even tell him the seriousness of what I was dealing with.  I realize now that GOD moved on my dad’s heart to come get me traveling over 800 miles after I called my mom and let her know I wasn’t doing good.  If you need to be honest and tell someone you need help too, do it…  It’s ok when you’re feeling so very weak to get support until you’re better… Don’t wait (especially if you’re thinking of suicide and/or not eating…) It’s ok…  Getting help is being human and alive…  If you don’t have anyone, feel free to reach out to me…  Email me at:  jeffandtami@truevine.net

There are emergency numbers to call on this website as well.

To be continued…

 

 

 

Childhood left far behind

Memories though remind

Of innocence 

And freedom

For a time

 

Crushes left far behind

Memories though remind

Of interest

Other than just me

And mine

 

Hometown left far behind

Memories though remind

Of stability

And familiarity

Entwined

 

New to now old places left far behind

Memories though remind

Of adjustment not ready

And coping unsteady

Disinclined

 

Youth growing pains left far behind

Memories though remind

Of failures in choices made

And mistakes in decisions strayed

Misaligned

 

Broken relationships left far behind

Memories though remind

Of awkwardness

And immaturity

Combined

 

Peace and hope soon left far behind

Memories though remind

Of JESUS changing my demeanor

And self-esteem with composure

Aligned 

 

Friends and family left far behind

Memories though remind

Of being lost and afraid

And sin’s cost betrayed

Unrefined

 

Relationship with HIM left far behind

Memories though remind

HE’s the only way, the truth, and the life

Of shock to feel forsaken

And suicidal thoughts overtaken

Inclined

 

Realities once known left far behind

Memories though remind

Of faith in HIM for HIS mercy plead for

And only HE can rescue to restore

A sound mind

 

From psych hospital left far behind

Memories though remind

Of the pain and darkness tumbling

And life moving forward in starkness stumbling 

Blind

 

Seek HIM whom I left far behind

Memories though remind

Of mental illness diagnosis

And depression with psychosis

Confined

 

New opportunities with purpose I thought were left far behind

Memories though remind

Of HIS truth and kindness shown before

And HIS Word anew choosing to seek HIM to implore

Unwind

 

Someone close I’d have to leave far behind

Memories though remind

Of HIS choice for me to marry

And HIS way, truth, and the life chosen though I’d tarry

Outlined

 

Another episode into psych hospital again I thought was left far behind

Memories though remind

Of fears revisited and hallucinations come alive

And paranoia riveted inside

Divide

 

Another miracle release yet I felt left far behind

Memories though remind

Of continuing to call on HIS name for help and fears increased to cease to be set free

And so weak, weary, and wavering I’d barely hold on to a sense of reality

Contrived

 

Somehow I’d live and work with a growing family beside trying to leave the negative far behind

Memories though remind

Of hit and miss volleys of episodes small and large in magnitude

And the loss of less and less aptitude 

Maligned 

 

There were times I’d be alright with new peace and hope replacing what I wanted left far behind

Memories though remind

Of peace and hope not lasting for long

And I was a step away from a sense of security being gone

Unbind

 

My life crashed down again heading back to another psych hospital that I couldn’t leave far behind

Memories though remind

Of the wreckage I was causing my family broken apart

And damage of decades of doubt taken its toll on my heart

Deride

 

This time I’d protect my wife and fight the enemy and my demons I thought I left far behind

Memories though remind

Of failed attempts, of fear inept, and darkness’s depths while looking above

And yet I chose to walk by faith each step of the way confronting each giant to slay -along came love

To guide

 

My sense of love for my family upon seeing them I never want to leave far behind

Memories though remind

Of desire to fight to keep and to hold them close

And choose to put HIM first and love HIM most

Abide

 

I’d falter once again to enter the psych hospital and another battle escalated with the enemy of my soul who wants me left far behind

Memories though remind

Of faith, hope, and love that remains and the Spirit within to fight the war ensued outside

And HE proves faithful to be there by my side to protect my family, then to center me to defeat my enemy of pride, of lies, of disguise, of negative ties that have followed me from behind

Tried

 

I fight the good fight with HIS grace, mercy, forgiveness, encouragement, and compassion that has not left me far behind

Memories though remind

Of the battles that still need to be fought for others to know the truth

And become HIS disciple who follows with faith, hope, and love as proof

Decide

 

HE promises to never leave nor forsake when trust HIM, so there’s no fear of what’s left far behind

Memories though remind

Of praying on the armor and saving souls as wise being a soldier who will fight on the frontline

And to press on Heavenward to win the prize as a reflection of HIS Light to shine

Realigned

 

HE didn’t leave me far behind, but left the ninety-nine to come after me to find

Memories though remind

Of the deepest, darkest pit I fell into, that I might see -what HE bought would continue to pursue with love’s stride open to what frees

And to show and tell of HIS rescue, not just for me -but for you too HE will do until we’re made new… from above provide in what HE’s

Designed

 

 

 

 

 

The fight inside was against myself

I’d lose what was good health

Witness my downfall to the edge of Sheol took away a hundredfold  

 

The fight inside my mind

I’d lose over and over

Mental illness took control

 

The fight inside my heart

I’d lose to fears I feared

Brokenness took its toll

 

The fight inside my soul

I’d lose to depression

Darkness took hold

 

The fight inside my spirit

I’d lose what’s left of freedom

Sentence in chains where demons tormented with pain and confusion untold

 

The fight inside I tapped out

I’d lose my life until HE’d step into my cage and win for me

Openness took time for new life to unfold

 

Compassion opens my heart floodgate

Willing to enter yours broken apart relate

A gift given from above show for real equate

To uplift driven by love; know what you conceal frustrate

Await the torrential downpour of a hurricane

Straight to the point I’m here in all that may contain

Initial strong winds that won’t seem to wane

Within the eye of depression’s domain

Into outer bands stronger still won’t constrain

To greet your mental strain

To meet your pain

To accrete your emotion drained

To compete for your attention rather than refrain

To defeat darkness for light regain

To entreat life diverting suicide’s disdain

To treat with understanding listen to maintain

To replete faith, hope, and love to remain

To delete feeling all alone until HIS Presence you attain

GOD of comfort with the comfort received now will sustain

Compassion opens your heart floodgate as a new gift obtain

Fashioned to reopen for others broken apart relate to unchain

 

 

Child’s Viewpoint

Lay there hardly move

No where to go 

Learn to crawl

Make it somehow

Learn to walk

Get where need to be

Learn to run

Be first place

 

Teenager Viewpoint

Lay there until have to move

Go anywhere to do

No crawling 

Would look weak

Walk like nothings wrong

Be strong

Run to play the sport

Even if lose; hope to win

 

Young adult Viewpoint

Keep moving even if depressed

Losing hope of where to go

Breakdown will still crawl

Can’t give in 

Walk around wandering

Where do I need to be

Running from reality

On empty until stall out

 

Breaking point

Can’t just lay there

Just need to end it all

Crawling has faded away

Not a choice

Walk away from what is left

Stranded

Run from the tormenting thoughts

Until stopped -suicidal, suicide attempt, make it out somehow, mental illness diagnosed, negative thoughts fights now with faith, hope, and love; relapses then go to HIM who understands and delivers from again and again and again

 

Older Adult Viewpoint w/ the LORD

Find meaning now in day to day movement

Know where want to go

Help those along who crawl

Pray for a future and a hope

Walk on in faith not sight

Know who I’m meant to be

Run the race set in front of me

Await new strength to keep going

Ever deserted

Ever deceived

Ever devastated

 

With HIM in the end

Never deserted

Never deceived 

Never devastated

 

Ever doubted

Ever debated

Ever debilitated

 

With HIM in Heaven

Forever trusted

Forever answered

Forever new reinstated

Tangible & real to nurture minds with Words sown

Radical zeal to capture hearts with faith alone

Practical meal to pasture souls with hope grown 

Tactical seal to rapture spirits with love known

Tractable appeal to gather lives with grace and mercy atone

 

Theological teaching to behold minds tend if reeling aground

Periodical reaching to remold hearts when feeling down

Prodigal beseeching to unfold souls to mend with healing found

Optimal keeping to uphold spirits defend for shielding around 

Phenomenal believing to untold lives open until revealing a crown

Stars in place

Seek YOUR face

Just a taste

Faith & grace

Sins forgive erase

Run again pace

Heaven’s prize chase

Mercy compassion trace

faith/hope/love still remains

YOUR discipline trains

For YOU awaits

Strength never wanes

YOU understand pains

Lifeline when strains

In temptation refrains

All evil disdains

Honor, glory, praise

Unto YOU raise

High Priest prays

Guide my ways

All my days

Grace surround arrays

Life eternal conveys

SON’s Light rays

So Darkness fades

Life/death/resurrection still portrays

Breathe through haze

Walk past daze

Live beyond faze 

Find lost in maze

See them amaze

Seek for strays

Found after obeys

Uplift when dismays

Live on always

Why am I inspired late at night

Why not when the sun is bright

I guess the darkness is what you saved me from

I profess YOUR Light given is what has brought my freedom

It’s YOUR blood poured out that has bought my life back from the dead

It’s YOUR Word of life that has taught me to renew my mind to offset dread

It’s YOUR Spirit that has caught my undivided attention to walk on ahead

It’s YOUR Presence that has sought my soul deserving punishment to restore instead

It’s YOUR touch that has given my life vision and purpose to be mission led

It’s YOUR love that has chased away the fear and how now life is lived and interpreted

To whom sadness casts you downward spiral; flood sows in tears when

Hold your breath so as not to drown in sudden death

HE keeps all your tears in a bottle kept in Heaven

 

To whom madness lasts, bruise inward exile, blood flows in fears often

Catch your breath to turn from suicidal death

HE frees you from fears with HIS perfect love made alive again

 

To whom badness blasts, lose backward in denial, judge woes in jeers descend

Take a breath before heading down that wrong path that leads to death

HE sees you and clears the past jeers east to west so all you are is forgiven

 

To whom callous lash out, choose outward hostile grudge, pose a threat it appears

Lose your breath for vengeance refrain from causing misled death

HE can appease your inner turmoil of anger and bitterness when HE appears to be the One to defend bringing peace within 

 

To whom gladness basks in the Good News, forward vital nudge, grows when drawn near to HIM open

Refresh new breath by the Spirit that brings new life beyond all death

HE brings a future and a hope with purpose and vision with a mission to be love now driven

 

Gone in an instant

Nearby or distant

Happen so fast

Only memories last

It seems a dream

Or nightmare’s scream

Unborn never breathe

A child too soon leave

A youth in their prime

Runs out of time

Young adult taken

Feel heartache forsaken

Parent no longer near

Who offers advice to steer

Elderly wear thin so frail

Just give out a heart fail

Are you lost in despair

When life just isn’t fair

How can I understand

All I know HE has a plan

Trust in JESUS through trials

Keep in touch all the while

Get through it no matter

Stay closer rather than scatter

Hold on to the Lifeline

Faith, hope, and love find

You’re alive now for a reason

Even if it may be only a season

You’re time too will come

When it does go to HIS Kingdom

Only if you believe on the LORD

HE bought what money couldn’t afford

A room just for you better than a mansion

No more fear, pain, sickness, death fathom

You brought near by HIS blood essence

Don’t give in to suicide; await HIS Presence

For there is great reward to persevere and endure

More than a conqueror overcome severe until secure

One day forevermore eternity into later reunion

No longer daily uncertainty into greater communion 

Where the end is not the end only buffering

Accept there will be an end to lonely suffering 

Into new beginnings Rock of Salvation’s war scars underpinnings

With thanksgivings lock in ovations for Morningstar’s winnings

Open wide HIS gates for those who walk the straight and narrow

Broken stride awaits body brand new walk in strength beyond marrow

Dry as desert desolate come alive HE will deliver again 

By Living Water treasured activate dive in HIS river to mend

Renews mind to be sound, clear, instill with peace

Redeems heart to freely pound no fear beyond downhill ceased

Restores soul to be found appear new will lease

Replenishes inside gracefully abound, sincere, day to day still increased

Refreshes spirit bountifully surround, near, fulfilled, released

Remains HE will be to the end found even until after deceased…

 

Dusk to Night

Chase the firefly

Capture in a jar

Where you are

A child’s fun to know

 

See the light

Embrace the why

After glimpse the stars

Doesn’t seem that far

Set free from so low

 

North to South contrite

Face it to still try

Stature broken within did mar

Never give up if just restart

Stand, up to par, run to grow

 

Must remember the fight

Race that I might comply

Gather in from the dark

No matter what their scars

Faith, hope, and love will show

 

Mercy anew ignite

Grace take flight

Rapture within compassion’s spark

Go relentless win their hearts

Keep refilling cups to overflow

 

Gain wisdom’s insight

Trace HIS steps that I might

Rather serve to save as state of the art

Teach the Word faithfully so won’t depart

All I am to live as Christ and die as gain bestow

 

With truth deny the lies

Soar above lows to reach on high

Matters in life the course you chart

Seek for Heaven’s pure wisdom to impart

Remember to rescue those fallen lost below

 

Let go the fireflies

Before they die

Scatter freed from the fortifying rampart

Worthwhile to shine set apart

Never forget to glow

 

Dawn to light

Chase the prize

Recapture all who’ve missed the mark

More faith is given to embark

Pressing on so others follow -Heavenward always go

 

Vision within I could soar high above to lift others up ongoing give it a whirl

See far below all the more arise HIS love that refills their cup to overflowing beseeches the world

Light shine away darkness of duress unfurl break the denial going the extra mile

Prayers lifted above, embark less of death encircle, break the cycle of suicidal

New life encounter within in the Spirit to be stronger in weakness

Shares HIS Presence profound reaches out free to honor one’s uniqueness

Mission release faith defeats the enemy

See purpose increase grace with love cease fearing in me

Fight the good fight persevere to overcome

Care to endure the night until the war is won

Ignite with the break of day to start with mercy new secure YOUR will to do

Aware to be awake may I pray impart the truth to rescue pure toward YOU pursue

Precision go in to enter core of YOUR heart alone and then send YOUR Words into their own

See decision of Great Commission seeking Heaven’s wisdom to save souls eternally known

I was down, down so low, in a pit solo

But let’s keep it on the down low

Why share how devastating it was?

Who would want to know, anyway?

Anyway, I held on by a thread of faith

My mind agonizing in the darkness for some peace to find

Anyway, I reached out blindly with my heart for hope

My eyes straining in the darkness for some light to appear

Anyway, I longed deeply with my soul for love

My emotions drowning in the darkness for someone to lift me up

Anyway, I pleaded insistently with my spirit for mercy

My past caving in, my present wearing thin, my future dimmed and ending?

Anyway, I continued breathing, I kept going, I continued living, I kept breaking

My entire life leading up to a tragedy?  I can’t believe all this! -yet me is still alive now in a nightmare? 

Anyway, I am shocked that my mortality is bared open in the frozen harsh elements where only demons jaunt and my enemy ready to pounce

My equilibrium is off to never never land and I don’t understand anything going on

Anyway, this can’t be happening cascading into fear, fading fast disappear? Awaiting at death’s door panicking here

My reality disintegrating after starving myself, attempting suicide, found myself in psychosis with no longer self-control, just a failure, just a waste, just a stumbling shell of what I once was

Anyway, HE showed me mercy, extended to me grace, cared for me with compassion to grow in faith, hope, and love when crawling learning to stand, when staggering yearning to walk, when tripping returning to run, when fainting burning to soar

My life was given back to me that I didn’t deserve and I couldn’t ever earn this gift

Anyway, I now carry on with how HE rescued, restored, and redeemed me…

I once was down, down so low, in a pit solo

But I have to share how I’m not there in that dreadful place anymore and no longer left alone…

If you're overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts 
or have a plan for suicide, it is ok to
get help from a mental health professional 
for meds to help support you 
as well as counseling as you look to be hopeful again 
and better manage your precious life 
(especially if you've been abused or experienced trauma in any way)...
You're worthwhile and valuable...
I care about you!!...  Reach out to me anytime...
I want you to be an overcomer and a fighter...
L.ive O.n V.ictorious E.ndeavor
Choose L.O.V.E.; 
L.ift-up I.nspirational F.uture E.ndure
Choose L.I.F.E.
In my acronym, S.T.A.R.T.S. will mean: 

something you do…

something new you do… 

something you continue to do…

Spiritual

Truths

Activated

Renew/Restore/Replenish

Together

Soundness

What is Forgiveness?

I did not like the definition of forgive in the Merriam Webster dictionary due in part that it said “cease to feel”.  To forgive someone or yourself is more than that and also different than that.  I believe you can forgive, yet still feel the hurt and pain until a process of healing takes place over time where feelings about it begin to diminish and for some the feeling may never fully go away.  There is more hope then to have the ability to forgive if we know that feelings involved may still linger on…  The good news is that GOD is willing, available, and able to help us forgive if we are struggling with this very thing.

So I looked up the Greek word of forgive.  It is aphíēmi.  

It comes from the root word apo and híēmi.

ἀπό apó, apo’ means:

a primary particle; “off,” i.e. away (from something near), in various senses (of place, time, or relation; literal or figurative):—(X here-)after, ago, at, because of, before, by (the space of), for(-th), from, in, (out) of, off, (up-)on(-ce), since, with.

ἵημι híēmi means:

(to send; an intensive form of εἶμι eîmi, to go)

So let’s think of forgive as even just these 2 words separately (apó) and (híēmi)

If we choose apó, then we may take “off” and move “away” (from something near) in various senses (of place, time, or relation).  Then if we choose híēmi, we may “send” it away in order “to go” forward…

This is so good what to forgive does for us.

Here is what it looks like:  I forgive __________ to take “off” this hurt done to me and move “away” from it.  I “send” it away in order “to go” forward…

Here is a new way to approach an experience of forgiving as a decision made with this process now in mind to do and an action within the heart to occur:

Ex. 1

I will forgive __________ because I need to take the abuse that happened in the past “off” my life and move “away” from ___________ and that which has been so near affecting my senses (thoughts, emotions, feelings of my mind, heart, soul, and spirit wounds) where I have been haunted/fearful/anxious/angry/depressed/suicidal by certain places, time it occurred through time up until now, and in my relations with myself and others.  I “send” this abuse away to YOU GOD in order “to go” forward in new life with a new start…  Begin to heal me within…

Ex. 2

I will forgive myself because I need to take the addiction that happened in the past “off” my life and move “away” from addiction and that which has been so near affecting my senses (thoughts, emotions, feelings of my mind, heart, soul, and spirit wounds) where I have been haunted/fearful/anxious/angry/depressed/suicidal by certain places, time it occurred through time up until now, and in my relations with myself and others.  I “send” this addiction away to GOD in order “to go” forward in new life with a new start…

Ex. 3

I will forgive __________ because I need to take the rejection that happened in the past “off” my life and move “away” from the act of rejection by ___________ and that which has been so near affecting my senses (thoughts, emotions, feelings of my mind, heart, soul, and spirit wounds) where I have been haunted/fearful/anxious/angry/depressed/suicidal by certain places, time it occurred through time up until now, and in my relations with myself and others.  I “send” this rejection I’ve experienced away to GOD in order “to go” forward in new life with a new start…

When combined together, here is the meaning:

ἀφίημι aphíēmi, af-ee’-ay-mee;

from apo  G575 and ἵημι híēmi (to send; an intensive form of εἶμι eîmi, to go); to send forth, in various applications (as follow):—cry, forgive, forsake, lay aside, leave, let (alone, be, go, have), omit, put (send) away, remit, suffer, yield up.

What is allowed:

I cry.  I cry because of what ____________ has done to me.  I cry in release from _____________ in order to forgive _____________.  I cry now that _______________ has no hold on me. I cry to begin my healing journey.

I forgive__________ for what he’s done/ she’s done/ they’ve done/ I’ve done.

I can forsake my abuser/ my addiction now that I’ve forgiven.

I lay aside what was done to me by _____________ since I’ve forgiven ____________.

I leave ____________ in the past because I’ve forgiven _____________ for a new beginning.

I let alone/be/go/have what was done to me by ______________ to be in my past for I’ve forgiven _______________ and move on so my present begins healing on into my future.

I omit __________ from my life now that I’ve forgiven _____________ who no longer will have a hold on me.

I put (send) away ___________ from affecting my life any longer since I have forgiven _______________.

I remit what _____________ has cause in my life for I forgive ________________.

suffer due to what ______________ did, but I forgive ______________  so that my suffering will let me grow in all areas to be a better person for myself and others.

I yield up ______________ to you now GOD to deal with, now that I’ve forgiven _________________.

Forgiveness then is letting go of the hurt and pain caused by another, others, or oneself:

  • to start anew
  • to begin the healing process
  • to drop the heavy load you’ve been carrying
  • to break off the hold another or others have had on you that is bringing you down
  • to be free from the mental anguish, internal conflicts, and/or suicidal ideation
  • to becoming more free from the emotional fears, anxieties, anger, depression in order to deal with life positively and effectively
  • to allow for grieving (5 stages:  denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance)
  • to move on from toxic relationships
  • to move on past self-harm and/or addiction
  • to accept, care for, and love yourself
  • to love others and have meaningful and special relationships
  • to love GOD

Be Forgiven To Forgive

GOD lets us know we are all in need of ultimate forgiveness and this is accomplished by recognizing our need for our own forgiveness, asking HIM for forgiveness, and believing in and trusting in HIS SON JESUS to come into our hearts to save us and help us live a new life:

22 This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.25 God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement,[i] through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith. He did this to demonstrate his righteousness, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— 26 he did it to demonstrate his righteousness at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.  Romans 3: 22-26

You may be afraid to come to the LORD because of your own sin (it is too much, your guilt is to heavy, and your shame is unbearable), yet HE wants you to come and be forgiven:

19 Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord,  Acts 3:19
18 “Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.  Isaiah 1:18
12 as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.  Psalm 103:12

How can you know for sure you’re forgiven and saved:

But what does it say? “The word is near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart,” that is, the message concerning faith that we proclaim:

If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. Romans 10:8-10

Who is forgiveness for:

for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”  Romans 10:13

John 3:16-17

16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.

GOD in HIS Word tells us to forgive others:

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14

3 So watch yourselves. “If your brother or sistersins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. 4 Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”  Luke 17:3-4

31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.  Ephesians 4:31-32

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13

What happens when you forgive as GOD wants you to?  You are still angry about what the person/people have done?  GOD says in HIS Word that HE will deal with that person/people:

Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.  Romans 12:19

After accepting JESUS and now being forgiven, what happens if I sin again not wanting to.  Every Believer is going to sin after receiving JESUS as LORD and Savior.  Because of your relationship being reconciled to GOD, you are now able to confess your sin to HIM and not hide it.  HE will forgive you and purify you when turning back to HIM with a repentant heart desiring for restored relationship.  Then walk again being forgiven.

9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
This is in no way a license to continue sinning purposefully or in pride thinking HE won’t deal with it at some point.  HE will convict us of our sin by HIS Spirit and we will need to turn in repentance with humility.  If we are prideful and continue sinning, HE will humble us.

Hebrews 12:4-7

God Disciplines His Children

In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,

“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
    and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
    and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”[a]

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children…

Hebrews 4:15-16

15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. 16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Examples of Forgiveness

You may have a family member or close friend that wronged you in some way, but you don’t want GOD to repay with a vengeance. Can you forgive someone close to you and pray that GOD would have mercy on them?

Yes!  A resounding yes…

Read about Moses, after getting the Ten Commandments, was told by GOD that HIS people HE rescued out of slavery from Egypt, had made an idol to worship instead of remembering GOD and what HE had done for them.  GOD was ready to punish them and said HE would put them to death and start over.  Moses prayed and asked GOD to not hold it against them and to remember HIS covenant and what HE had done to deliver HIS people.  GOD listened to Moses and relented.

You may have a family member/members that wronged you in some way and GOD will use you to bring about good for the one or all involved.  There may be a future story of you being used of GOD to rescue, restore, provide, or protect in some way.

Read about Joseph who was mistreated and rejected by his brothers, sold into slavery, and then rise to leadership by Pharaoh in Egypt.  GOD used Joseph to save his family from a widespread famine and ultimately forgive his brothers of their wrongdoing accepting them and their families with places to live in Egypt.

You may have been used by a sibling that took from your parent in some way and you received nothing or less than.

Read about when Esau Forgives Jacob after Jacob returns during a long time away from Esau.  Jacob had fled when he learned Esau wanted to kill him for taking away his birthright and then later took his father’s blessing away from Esau as well.

You may have sinned greatly causing much harm to yourself and another/others.  You are discouraged and don’t know if GOD will forgive “this”.

Read about David and Bathsheba where David sees her bathing and sends messenger for her to come and lay with him.  He finds out she becomes pregnant while her husband Uriah is out fighting in the war.  He tries to cover up his offense at Uriah’s expense.  When Uriah is not cooperative with David’s plan, David orders that Uriah be put on the front lines and then have the army withdraw so that he dies.  Nathan confronts David about his sin.  David turns to the LORD in repentance and asks for forgiveness.  GOD forgives David, but there are consequences for his selfish sin.  Now the child they conceived together dies.  GOD restores David and blesses him and Bathsheba when HE allows them to bear another son named Solomon.

Focus For Forgiveness

Here is a model prayer to pray to GOD for forgiveness from extreme guilt and shame of the greatest of sin we may have committed:

Psalm 51

For the director of music. A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.

Have mercy on me, O God,
    according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
    blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
    and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
    and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
    and justified when you judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth,
    sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
    you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
    let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins
    and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
    or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
    so that sinners will turn back to you.
14 Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
    you who are God my Savior,
    and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
15 Open my lips, Lord,
    and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
    you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
17 My sacrifice, O God, is[b] a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart
    you, God, will not despise.

18 May it please you to prosper Zion,
to build up the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,
in burnt offerings offered whole;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

Power of Forgiveness

I have been changed by GOD’s forgiveness of my many sins.  I have learned from HIM by HIS extending to me forgiveness through HIS grace, mercy, and compassion.  Because of this change that has taken place within me, I am more apt to extend grace to others, to show mercy with cheerfulness, to listen with compassion, and to readily encourage others who need this.  I know HIS love more for me and I am able to love HIM and others in return.  I am now able to forgive others quickly and it be a regular response I have, since I was forgiven of so many sins, failures, and poor decisions in my own life.

Then one of the Pharisees asked Him to eat with him. And He went to the Pharisee’s house, and sat down to eat. And behold, a woman in the city who was a sinner, when she knew that Jesus sat at the table in the Pharisee’s house, brought an alabaster flask of fragrant oil, and stood at His feet behind Himweeping; and she began to wash His feet with her tears, and wiped them with the hair of her head; and she kissed His feet and anointed them with the fragrant oil. Now when the Pharisee who had invited Him saw this, he spoke to himself, saying, “This Man, if He were a prophet, would know who and what manner of woman this is who is touching Him, for she is a sinner.”

Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.” “Tell me, teacher,” he said. “Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?” Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.” “You have judged correctly,” Jesus said.

Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven–as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.” Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.” The other guests began to say among themselves, “Who is this who even forgives sins?” Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”  Luke 7:36-50

I so love this story of JESUS forgiving this distraught woman who so powerfully showed love to HIM…  A person who is forgiven much loves much!  When you’re forgiven, you become a more loving person to GOD and to others…

Science of Forgiveness

Click the link below and read the full review about Forgiveness:

Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley: Forgiveness

The Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley covers the following topics:

What is Forgiveness?  Why Practice It?  How Do I Cultivate It?  

It is well worth the read and has science based research about forgiveness.

Here is some of the information from the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley:

What Is Forgiveness?  

We can learn about it from what forgiveness is not:

  • it’s not glossing over or denying the seriousness of the offense against you
  • it’s not having to forget the offense nor accepting/excusing the offense as ok/right
  • it’s not having to reconcile with the person who harmed you especially in the case of abuse
  • it’s not releasing them from legal accountability in the case of severe wrongs

Why Practice It?  

Here are just a few benefits:

  • makes us happier
  • protects our mental health
  • improves our health
  • sustains relationships
  • good for marriages
  • boosts kindness and connectedness

How Do I Cultivate It?

Here are just a few ways:

  • it’s something you do for you, not a gift for someone else (though I do believe you can also gift someone with forgiveness if your heart is to reconcile or help them too)
  • express your emotions to yourself and to others
  • consider what you’ve learned from what happened to you -if there has been something positive gained from it
  • practice empathy
  • practice mindfulness of hurt feelings to choose forgiveness more readily
  • understand forgiveness is a process

If you're overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts 
or have a plan for suicide, it is ok to
get help from a mental health professional 
for meds to help support you 
as well as counseling as you look to be hopeful again 
and better manage your precious life 
(especially if you've been abused or experienced trauma in any way)...
You're worthwhile and valuable...
I care about you!!...  Reach out to me anytime...
I want you to be an overcomer and a fighter...
L.ive O.n V.ictorious E.ndeavor
Choose L.O.V.E.; 
L.ift-up I.nspirational F.uture E.ndure
Choose L.I.F.E.

 

 

In my acronym, S.T.A.R.T.S. will mean: 

something you do…

something new you do… 

something you continue to do…

 

Spiritual

Truths

Activated

Renew/Restore/Replenish

Together

Soundness

 

The Cambridge Dictionary states that:

pour your  heart out

to tell someone your secret feelings and things that worry you, usually because you feel a strong need to talk about them

 

The Free Dictionary by Farlex states further that:

pour your heart out

To share one’s deepest or most intimate emotions, thoughts, or secrets, especially in a profuse or sudden manner.
express your deepest feelings or thoughts in a full and unrestrained way.

Our Need

With being human, we all need an outlet to release our thoughts and emotions in a constructive manner that will ultimately benefit us with sharing such things with someone rather than keeping it all within – “bottled up” per say.
A bad attitude toward life may be due to holding within bitterness toward a person who has wronged us or toward difficult life event/s without ever dealing with the thoughts and emotions that accompany it.
Depression personally may be due to holding within anger toward self, anger and grief about missed opportunities, or anger and grief about difficult life circumstances (including loss of a loved one) that have happened over time.

Ways of Expression for Sweet Release

My favorite way to pour out my heart is through writing poetry and sharing my hurts, disappointments, difficulties, and sadness with GOD HIMSELF in learning to trust HIM to use hardships, trials, and tribulations to build within me faith and strong character.  I allow HIM to mold me into a better person through it all.
If I kept everything in without talking about it and dealing with it, I would go back into deep depression that I experienced as a youth. I once kept everything in.  I didn’t talk.  I was a loner for the most part, with only a few friends.  All my thoughts and emotions were locked away.  What I experienced because of this was anger inside, anger at life, mistrust of people, and really being a hateful person.  It was a detriment to me personally.  What if I had someone to talk to about what I dealt with instead of going it alone.  I didn’t have a relationship with GOD, at the time, who would have listened to me and helped me had I known I could turn to HIM for HIS care and support.  Life is difficult enough without having to also deal with unresolved and negative thoughts and emotions weighing heavily on the mind, heart, soul, and spirit.
A river needs to have an outlet to move along in forward motion as rains fill it to overflowing.  A river whose outlet is the ocean finds release from the pressure that otherwise builds up as in the case if a dam was built to contain it.
Our minds need an outlet for our thoughts, our hearts need to have an outlet for our emotions to move along forward in this life, our souls need to have an outlet to share hopes and dreams, and our spirit needs an outlet to connect to JESUS and our future in eternity…
If we don’t have an outlet, then negativity backs up, builds up pressure, causes one to erupt at some point with damaging consequences that may include suicidal thoughts and/or suicide attempts as an extreme measure seemingly forced into.  It simply becomes too much to handle and the stress is now too overwhelming.

Who To Turn To

If you have a close friend to talk to about anything and everything, consider yourself blessed to have that special someone in your life.  Not everyone has that.
Going to a counselor to help sort through life’s baggage that may include depression, mental illness, suicidal ideation, abuse, and/or trauma can bring breakthroughs in your life as you face these giants head on and learn to overcome and heal from the hurts you’ve experienced. It takes time, sometimes a very long time to see results.
I have my wife who is my helpmate for sure and can listen to a certain extent.  Yet, I don’t have that one guy in my life that I can talk with, be accountable to, and share my burdens I experience through life.
If you’re like me and need someone other than your spouse or a counselor, then GOD is the relationship you are to establish that can change everything in a positive direction…
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.  Isaiah 9:6
JESUS is the Wonderful Counselor who fills that deep seated need for support and encouragement we all need…
JESUS is Mighty GOD who fills the role of Protector and a Defense against our enemies…
JESUS is Everlasting FATHER who fills the role giving us the love and provision we need…
JESUS is Prince of Peace who fills the role of giving HIS peace within us to deal with anything that comes our way…

Pour Out Your Heart to GOD

Pouring out your heart to GOD is the single most beneficial thing you can do in your life.  He listens and understands.  JESUS, when HE came to earth as one of us (human too), experienced every type of temptation, stress, emotions, and thoughts yet was without sin. After HE died on the cross to satisfy GOD’s wrath, overcome death, deal with our enemies including satan, and to deal with and forgive our sin, HE became our High Priest who understands our weaknesses, daily bears our burdens, and prays for us.  HE knows and understands us more than anyone else can.

 

Pouring out your heart to GOD = extreme closeness to the heart of GOD

David, a shepherd boy, who later became the king of GOD’s people  is known as a man after GOD’s own heart.  Do you know why he was a man after GOD’s own heart.  David turned to GOD whenever he was dealing with life’s ups and downs and poured out his heart to HIM.  He wasn’t perfect and sinned in terrible ways.  So why then was he still a man after GOD’s own heart.  He made many mistakes, yet he turned to GOD quickly and asked for forgiveness and desired the relationship to be restored.  When good happened in his life, he turned to GOD and gave HIM thanks.  David is the author of many of the Psalms in the Bible.  If you want examples of pouring out your heart to GOD, you can read through the Psalms which are heartfelt pouring out of emotions and thoughts that were burdensome to bear and deeply troubling to heartfelt pouring out of emotions and thoughts expressing gratitude.

 

I highly recommend getting a spiral notebook or other journal and begin the process of pouring out your heart of all its emotions and thoughts, hopes and dreams, failures and successes, and deepest needs expressed to GOD and you will be radically changed for the better by doing so…  Share your thoughts with HIM, cast your cares and anxieties onto HIM from your heart, bare your soul to HIM, and send up flares from your spirit unto HIM…  As you do so over time, things will begin to transform within you through development of your seeking relationship with your Creator who knows all things, knows you, knows what you need and yet wants you to just talk to HIM…

 

Pouring out your heart to GOD is a way of delighting in HIM… There is a wonderful promise to receive when we do this…

 

Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

As I have delighted in the LORD, HE has given me some desires of my heart already:
* a wife
* children
* inspiration to write (mostly poetry)
* deliverance from fears and anxieties and being suicidal
* help and support with my mental illness (more of a sound mind and peace within)
* an orphan ministry
* ability to serve with children as one of my passions
* a heart of compassion with ability to show mercy with cheerfulness and to encourage others
* desire to be a pastor

Psalm 62:5-8

Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God[a];
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

 

 

 

Once so crumbling devastated

Then to be humbly elevated

Thankful for HIS grace…

 

Once so broken inside fragmented pieces

Then to have faith’s security, hope’s clarity, and love’s sincerity that increases

Thankful for HIS mercy…

 

Once so trapped in the deepest pit

Then to have the fortitude to never quit

Thankful for HIS compassion…

 

Once so alone in shock doubting and questioning all of reality in total darkness

Then to be brought near to HIM contrite into the Light rescued so my mind works with new ability and noble sparked interests

Thankful for HIS giving me faith…

 

Once so wavering in turmoil thought I’d been tossed out to sea with Heaven now closed

Then to be set free with destination in fact now open forevermore so my soul alert to HIS faithfulness knows

Thankful for HIS giving me hope…

 

Once so fearful, empty, selfish, and filled with self-hatred 

Then to be at peace, fully restored, reaching out, and overflowing fulfillment so my hearts desires come true of its longing created for, awaited for, and elated for the sacred

Thankful for HIS giving me love…

 

Once so weak sinking beneath the pressure and stress anxiously in agony left to my malady of bankruptcy almost a tragedy

Then in renewed strength rising above accepting my spirit beyond measure to profess consciously in cadency my testimony of amnesty about HIS remedy

Thankful for HIS giving HIS Spirit reuniting mine…

Mine or yours having fierce suicidal thoughts are not a sin in its reoccurring more than meditation

Mine or yours having fierce suicidal thoughts are a battle we can win enduring the onslaught and persevering until disaster passes without retaliation

My frontline reality is fighting beyond suicidal ideation into dreams desires for realization

My focus centrality is encouraging all to make it out within HIS remediation

My frame of reference is faith, hope, and love to abound from the Creator to HIS creation

My family I live for so I continue to press on with determination

My faith is that I don’t live for myself alone, but unto HIM in adoration

My freedom is to live pure to be secure in God the FATHER’s hands for the SON’s traits rebuilding within this clay as HIS formation

 

I know some will overcome every moment into freedom in the future with just being blood bought

I know some will succumb to its’ warring thoughts, yet with faith as small as a mustard seed will put trust in HIM continually knowing its not for nought

I know some will be numb from the scarring its wrought, yet rise above into new life after whats fraught

I know some will come to know JESUS once sparring alone to discover who helps in the battles fought

I know some will become found to enter in HIM after the jarring being stuck as HE lifts up with compassion from the pit caught

I know some will be from outer darkness until starring with HIM from mercy inward being taught

I know some will fall seven times and rise again 8, since each turn for help is hope and strength in HIM having sought

I know some will face their giants with grace until each one is slain to stand above the onslaught

 

Darkness doesn’t stand a chance

Against the Light

Making all things seen

 

Evil doesn’t stand a chance

Against One’s Love

Setting captives free

 

Depression doesn’t stand a chance

Against new Life

Accepting oneself even in misery

 

Mental Illness doesn’t stand a chance

Against lessons learned

Pressing on despite its history

 

Suicidal ideation doesn’t stand a chance

Against my cries coming to YOUR ears listening

Letting go to live on in future’s Mystery

What do I need to do

To get you through

The hardest part of living

 

What do I need to prove

To lead you to what is new into

The hardest heart I’m giving

 

When will you believe

In order to receive

A purpose centered on mission as focused vision within Living Water overflow

 

When will you perceive

In order to conceive

Grace, mercy, and compassion given from above into your below

 

Why do you doubt 

Theres a better way out

To live with faith, hope, and love beyond measure

 

Why do you shout

To who doesn’t already know what it’s all about

A homecoming for your soul HE has sought, He has bought, He has wrought as precious treasure

 

Where are you going

Closed shut blowing in the wind for you could be drawn in openhanded

Receive a place all your own with healing for the pain

 

Where are you growing

Closed shut above the ground for you could be drawn in to be planted

Though you die, new life will sprout appealing to what you’ll gain

 

How are you on your own

Fending for yourself unknown

Hiding until almost dying; question lie inside -fights the nights without light

 

How will you be if not alone

Defending your soul on HIS throne

Abiding until foremost arriving in Heaven beside guide -delights to ride on the heights

What if there’s a cure

What if there isn’t

What if you live pure

What if you didn’t

A cure will be

Either here or there

Pure will help secure you’ll see

Either now or later care to be aware

The cure is to be pure that will secure you within

Forgiveness is sure to endure turning from worlds lusts contradictions that lure

 

What if dreams come true

What if they don’t

What if a vision forms anew

What if it won’t

A dream come true will be

Either here or there

A vision anew will help when arisen you’ll see

Either now or later care to be aware

The dream to be true with new vision arisen will occur within

Conviction will bring decision to share faith, hope, and love on mission to free from prison those who’ll listen

 

What if the future brings relief

What if it doesn’t

What if nurture uplifts beneath

What if it wasn’t

A future with relief will be 

Either here or there

 Nurture will give with return beneath you’ll see

Either now or later care to be aware

The future relief is to nurture through grief for healing to stir within

Searcher for the wounds that hurts your mind, heart, soul and spirit will further along your purpose to belong here with fervor

If you don’t listen to what I say

I pray

HE will meet you in the middle of the night

More than a dream come true

Proving HE is real I already knew

 

That HE may speak peace be still it’s ok

You pray

To receive HIM into your heart giving you new life inside with HIS Light

Giving what you need now so much more than before when you had no clue

With access to mercy new every morning like the dew

 

Only HE can save

Lay down HIS life for the lost and stray

HE is the answer to everyone’s plight

HE will come again and find you

Even if you walked away or just withdrew

 

Draw near and HE draws near to stay

Until faith, hope, and love within you remain

With broken spirit heart contrite

HE will accept you back HIS faithfulness to prove

HE will empower you to overcome all that you need to