Archive for the ‘suicidal thoughts’ Category

There will be setbacks

Not meant to remain in remorse

Just stay the course

 

There will be paybacks

Not meant for you to give

Let go and continue on to live

 

There will be drawbacks

When fear seems to win again

Choose faith to overcome often

 

There will be step backs

Regroup to move forward after rest

Push through until pass the test

 

There will be flashbacks

Panic attacks that take over at times to rewind inferiority

Held back until trust in HIM reminds to find security

 

There will be comebacks

Better than luck will wait to be renewed

After getting stuck will find breakthrough

 

There will be broken dreams

Fix your eyes and continue to believe

One day in delighting you may receive

 

There will be broken hearts

For compassion to grow within

And then mend again arisen

 

There will be wounded souls

That need to be restored however severe

Touch of healing enters their core to reward when persevere

 

There will be wounded spirits

That look for an open door

Release of healing upon wings to soar

 

There will be suicidal thoughts

Surprised at how far you’ve fallen down

Pulled from the waters so as not to drown

 

There will be depression fought

Keep the light lit even if moments flickering slight

Weep in the night until new dawn awaken aright

 

There will be death soon enough

Find faith, hope, and love that remain

Store up treasure in Heaven where your heart will maintain

 

There will be life anew beyond what’s rough

Turn away from plans to end it all refrain

Find grace, mercy, and peace that will sustain

Words that sustain

I often reached for bemoan

Through all the times I’d fade

Empty it seemed except skin and bone

Left to fear life and face death more afraid

Sleepless in the middle of the nights groan

Faith, hope, and love seemed lost with no protective shade

I’ve sown sin to lose oppressed

Beyond what reaped dismay

Purpose and vision wept

Death just to deflate

Felt a living hell would overthrow

Survive with my will pleading for HIS mercy, grace, and compassion to mend

 

Words I say

Not my own alone

Try as I may with faith

In HIS Words of life again sown

Will somehow portray

New life grown

To gain one day

I’ve shown with proof refreshed

Beyond what can betray

Purpose and vision dreamt 

Death has to wait

For when HE says it so 

Alive until then

 

Not just empty words array

To build a wall of stone

Lay bare in open air to catch SON’s ray

Of hope that will atone

Not to take away

The pain you’ve known

Suicidal thoughts try to sway

I’ve known this too attest

Beyond nightmares into stray

Purpose and vision leapt

Death can’t equate 

To the reward to come when overcome to overflow

Arrive to fulfill in Heaven

 

Words inspired from above convey

To build up lives broken down hone

In until find the Light I try and persuade

You to continue to fight in the zone

Of proximity ignite into HIS love upgrade

Will stand upright once again blown

Away that you made it this far evade

I’ve grown convinced drew breath

Beyond what I ask or imagine obey

Purpose and vision kept

Death I can relate

To now meant to be when letting go

Of the world’s hold that would decay

Thrive to instill faith, hope, and love befriend

What is Easter or Resurrection Sunday?

After JESUS died on the cross for you and I, HE rose again to Life…

What does that mean for me?

If you’ve put your trust and hope in JESUS for the forgiveness of your sins,  HE has bought and won victory for you through HIS shed blood, death on the cross, burial, and resurrection on the 3rd day.

What victory?

You may know that HE won victory over sin, satan, hell, death and the grave. HE is the Way, the Truth, and the Life…  You receive forgiveness for your sins, victory over sin, authority over satan in JESUS name, and the promise of a prepared place for you in Heaven after you die.  Since HE is alive HE will never leave nor forsake you…  You don’t have to be alone…

After JESUS died on the cross, HE was placed in a tomb with a large and heavy rock blocking its entrance.  The chief priests remembering that JESUS said “after 3 days I will rise again” asked Pilate, the governor to have soldiers secure the tomb and stand guard.

HE is the Light of the world and walked alive once again into the light at dawn of a new day after HIS crucifixion on the cross…  HE will bring HIS Light into your darkness and one day shine within you…  HE will help you through the depression, mental illness, and/or suicidal thoughts…  HE did it for me and HE can do it for you too…

Luke 24

Jesus Has Risen

24 On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them. In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, “Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: ‘The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.’ ” Then they remembered his words.

When they came back from the tomb, they told all these things to the Eleven and to all the others. 10 It was Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and the others with them who told this to the apostles. 11 But they did not believe the women, because their words seemed to them like nonsense. 12 Peter, however, got up and ran to the tomb. Bending over, he saw the strips of linen lying by themselves, and he went away, wondering to himself what had happened.

On the Road to Emmaus

13 Now that same day two of them were going to a village called Emmaus, about seven miles[a] from Jerusalem. 14 They were talking with each other about everything that had happened. 15 As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; 16 but they were kept from recognizing him.

17 He asked them, “What are you discussing together as you walk along?”

They stood still, their faces downcast. 18 One of them, named Cleopas, asked him, “Are you the only one visiting Jerusalem who does not know the things that have happened there in these days?”

19 “What things?” he asked.

“About Jesus of Nazareth,” they replied. “He was a prophet, powerful in word and deed before God and all the people. 20 The chief priests and our rulers handed him over to be sentenced to death, and they crucified him; 21 but we had hoped that he was the one who was going to redeem Israel. And what is more, it is the third day since all this took place. 22 In addition, some of our women amazed us. They went to the tomb early this morning 23 but didn’t find his body. They came and told us that they had seen a vision of angels, who said he was alive. 24 Then some of our companions went to the tomb and found it just as the women had said, but they did not see Jesus.”

25 He said to them, “How foolish you are, and how slow to believe all that the prophets have spoken! 26 Did not the Messiah have to suffer these things and then enter his glory?” 27 And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself.

28 As they approached the village to which they were going, Jesus continued on as if he were going farther. 29 But they urged him strongly, “Stay with us, for it is nearly evening; the day is almost over.” So he went in to stay with them.

30 When he was at the table with them, he took bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them. 31 Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him, and he disappeared from their sight. 32 They asked each other, “Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?”

33 They got up and returned at once to Jerusalem. There they found the Eleven and those with them, assembled together 34 and saying, “It is true! The Lord has risen and has appeared to Simon.” 35 Then the two told what had happened on the way, and how Jesus was recognized by them when he broke the bread.

Jesus Appears to the Disciples

36 While they were still talking about this, Jesus himself stood among them and said to them, “Peace be with you.”

37 They were startled and frightened, thinking they saw a ghost. 38 He said to them, “Why are you troubled, and why do doubts rise in your minds? 39 Look at my hands and my feet. It is I myself! Touch me and see; a ghost does not have flesh and bones, as you see I have.”

40 When he had said this, he showed them his hands and feet. 41 And while they still did not believe it because of joy and amazement, he asked them, “Do you have anything here to eat?” 42 They gave him a piece of broiled fish, 43 and he took it and ate it in their presence.

44 He said to them, “This is what I told you while I was still with you: Everything must be fulfilled that is written about me in the Law of Moses, the Prophets and the Psalms.”

45 Then he opened their minds so they could understand the Scriptures. 46 He told them, “This is what is written: The Messiah will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day, 47 and repentance for the forgiveness of sins will be preached in his name to all nations, beginning at Jerusalem. 48 You are witnesses of these things. 49 I am going to send you what my Father has promised; but stay in the city until you have been clothed with power from on high.”

The Ascension of Jesus

50 When he had led them out to the vicinity of Bethany, he lifted up his hands and blessed them. 51 While he was blessing them, he left them and was taken up into heaven. 52 Then they worshiped him and returned to Jerusalem with great joy. 53 And they stayed continually at the temple, praising God.

What if you doubt?  JESUS understands and has compassion on you if you doubt HIM.  HE can reveal HIMSELF to you and help you believe.  HE helped Thomas who doubted, so HE will help you too…  JESUS says we are blessed if we believe and yet have not seen HIM yet…

Jesus among His Disciples

19 So when it was evening on that day, the first day of the week, and when the doors were shut where the disciples were, for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood in their midst and *said to them, “Peace be with you.” 20 And when He had said this, He showed them both His hands and His side. The disciples then rejoiced when they saw the Lord. 21 So Jesus said to them again, “Peace be with you; as the Father has sent Me, I also send you.” 22 And when He had said this, He breathed on them and said to them, “Receive the Holy Spirit. 23 If you forgive the sins of any, their sins have been forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they have been retained.”

24 But Thomas, one of the twelve, called Didymus, was not with them when Jesus came. 25 So the other disciples were saying to him, “We have seen the Lord!” But he said to them, “Unless I see in His hands the imprint of the nails, and put my finger into the place of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe.”

26 After eight days His disciples were again inside, and Thomas with them. Jesus *came, the doors having been [f]shut, and stood in their midst and said, “Peace be with you.” 27 Then He said to Thomas, “Reach here with your finger, and see My hands; and reach here your hand and put it into My side; and do not be unbelieving, but believing.” 28 Thomas answered and said to Him, “My Lord and my God!” 29 Jesus said to him, “Because you have seen Me, have you believed? Blessed are they who did not see, and yet believed.”

Why This Gospel Was Written

30 Therefore many other signs Jesus also performed in the presence of the disciples, which are not written in this book; 31 but these have been written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God; and that believing you may have life in His name.

We read that JESUS met with those HE cared for and loved after HIS death to help them believe in HIM, continue to trust in HIM, to encourage them, and to give them their mission assignment after HE returned to Heaven…

This is the reason I share my faith story, GOD’s Word, and refer to JESUS throughout my writing…  I have found victory in Christ for my life and I’m compelled to share the faith, hope, and love I have found in HIM…  HE is faithful and true…  HE is able to give you victory in your life too…

Have you fallen away from your relationship with JESUS for any reason?  One of my favorite stories in the Bible is how Peter is restored and redeemed by JESUS after being risen to life…  HE knew Peter felt guilt and shame after he had disowned HIM 3 times leading up to HIS death.

John 21 

Jesus Appears at the Sea of Galilee

21 After these things Jesus manifested Himself again to the disciples at the Sea of Tiberias, and He manifested Himself in this way. Simon Peter, and Thomas called Didymus, and Nathanael of Cana in Galilee, and the sons of Zebedee, and two others of His disciples were together. Simon Peter said to them, “I am going fishing.” They said to him, “We will also come with you.” They went out and got into the boat; and that night they caught nothing.

But when the day was now breaking, Jesus stood on the beach; yet the disciples did not know that it was Jesus. So Jesus said to them, “Children, you do not have any fish, do you?” They answered Him, “No.” And He said to them, “Cast the net on the right-hand side of the boat and you will find a catch.” So they cast, and then they were not able to haul it in because of the great number of fish. Therefore that disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord.” So when Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he put his outer garment on (for he was stripped for work), and threw himself into the sea. But the other disciples came in the little boat, for they were not far from the land, but about one hundred yards away, dragging the net full of fish.

So when they got out on the land, they saw a charcoal fire already laid and fish placed on it, and bread. 10 Jesus said to them, “Bring some of the fish which you have now caught.” 11 Simon Peter went up and drew the net to land, full of large fish, a hundred and fifty-three; and although there were so many, the net was not torn.

Jesus Provides

12 Jesus said to them, “Come and have breakfast.” None of the disciples ventured to question Him, “Who are You?” knowing that it was the Lord. 13 Jesus came and took the bread and gave it to them, and the fish likewise. 14 This is now the third time that Jesus was manifested to the disciples, after He was raised from the dead.

The Love Motivation

15 So when they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love Me more than these?” He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love You.” He said to him, “Tend My lambs.” 16 He *said to him again a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love Me?” He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love You.” He said to him “Shepherd My sheep.” 17 He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love Me?” Peter was grieved because He said to him the third time, “Do you love Me?” And he said to Him, “Lord, You know all things; You know that I love You.” Jesus *said to him, “Tend My sheep.

JESUS allowed Peter to return his love to JESUS and JESUS reappointed him to love HIM and others with new found responsibility…  HE is able to restore and redeem you too!!!…

JESUS, even before HE died on the cross, revealed that HE was the Resurrection and the Life… Let’s take a look:

John 11:20-28

20 Martha therefore, when she heard that Jesus was coming, went to meet Him, but Mary stayed at the house. 21 Martha then said to Jesus, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died. 22 Even now I know that whatever You ask of God, God will give You.” 23 Jesus *said to her, “Your brother will rise again.” 24 Martha said to Him, “I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day.” 25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, 26 and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?” 27 She said to Him, “Yes, Lord; I have believed that You are the Christ, the Son of God, even He who comes into the world.”

JESUS reassures Lazarus’ sisters Martha and Mary that Lazarus would rise again to life…  HE went on into the tomb where Lazarus laid after he had died.  JESUS raised Lazarus to life again…  HE is able to handle anything you’re dealing with in this life…  HE will encourage and support you as you walk with HIM putting your faith and trust in HIM…  HE will be with you even to the end and then welcome you into Heaven to live forevermore…

Psalm 103

Of David.

Praise the Lord, my soul;
    all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins
    and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
    and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

The Lord works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

You may thank HIM for these benefits that HE has won victory for you to have in your life…

If you need prayer, support, encouragement, and/or have questions/concerns let me know and I will respond back to you soon…

May the LORD bless and keep you in HIS care and love always and forever…

I recently shared my suicide attempt story with Anne Moss Rogers who is an author, a public speaker, and a suicide prevention trainer.  She is the site owner of the Emotionally Naked Blog. Her son Charles Aubrey Rogers died by suicide on June 5, 2015.  Anne has dedicated her life to help others who have suffered the loss of a loved one and to help prevent suicide through awareness and training.  She allows others to share their stories and is a voice of hope with a compassionate heart.  She carries precious memories of her son as she carries on to make a positive difference in this world…

Here is the article I wrote:  https://annemoss.com/2020/01/06/a-suicide-attempt-survivor-speaks-out/

I walk past my dad sleeping on the couch.  He came to get me.  I open the door slowly, quietly.  I close it behind me.  I realize now that it was unwise of me to not get help and go it on my own.  But I didn’t think of getting help until it was too late.  Ask for help if you need it!…

I walk away further than I had been into the darkest night.  I had been walking away for quite some time.  Away from faith and trust in JESUS.  Late nights, barely any sleep.  Trying to get through my university classes and working.  Hadn’t been eating much if not at all for weeks.  Thoughts began turning against me until suicidal.  I realize now I was needing to eat and nourish my body and was part of the reason my mind turned against myself.  Nourish your body so as not to do it damage or cause the wiring in the brain to malfunction/misfire…

As I walked onward, the intensity of the situation became unbearable.  GOD seemed to be warning me and I questioned it wondering if I should turn back.  Then I made the decision to go farther at a quicker pace.  Swarms of mosquitos appear out of nowhere attacking my hypersensitive self to make matters worse and more dreadful than at first.  It was torturous and had never happened to me before nor anytime after.  I think about turning back again.  I continue on instead.  I believe GOD was trying to stop me, but I wouldn’t listen.  I realize now that it wasn’t GOD’s heart for me to do.  GOD doesn’t tempt us to hurt ourselves or to commit suicide and wants us to trust HIM as HE works in and through us to become who HE’s called us to be…

I understand though how someone can get so low as to commit suicide.  I don’t judge, yet I know that GOD’s heart is not for this to be the outcome…

I ended up in a field of abandoned cars.  Ironic that this is how I felt.  Abandoned.  An empty shell of my former self.  Wide open to the elements.  No more human presence.  Not able to go anymore.  Broken spirit like all the engines there.  I sat in one of the doorless vehicles contemplating for hours whether I’d take my life or not.  Then I contemplated what seemed like just minutes or seconds. 2 or 3 times got ready then decided this is it.  It was then as if the enemy of my soul took his heavy pressuring off of me as I attempted.  It was as if he pushed me to that edge.  Then I was left all alone.  So I thought.  I realize now that GOD doesn’t give up on anyone and will help us when we turn back to HIM in trust continuing to live on until HE rebuilds us… Place your trust in GOD to get you through anything by choosing to endure and persevere for there is great reward if you do…

 

I came up for air.  I realize now GOD wouldn’t let me drown, because HE had a plan for my life…  But I didn’t know it then.  GOD has a plan for a hope and a future for you too…

 

Confused.  What did I do?  I was scared.  Cursed.  Accursed?  That is how I felt.  I realize now that GOD has great compassion and enduring mercy.  HE wouldn’t abandon me like the car in the broken empty graveyard.  But I didn’t know it then.  GOD will show you great compassion and enduring mercy to the most difficult things you’ve experienced in your life…  Let HIM help you too…

 

I’m still alive.  Am I though?  I felt so lost, ashamed, and guilt ridden as I walked back.  I realize now GOD would find me, heal me, and forgive me further along the healing journey.   But I didn’t know it then.  At some point GOD will find you, heal you inside, and forgive you too if you ask HIM, seek HIM, and knock for HIM when don’t give up (took time over 19 years to experience healing of various aspects of my mind, heart, soul, and spirit). JESUS is faithful and true and I couldn’t do it on my own without HIM… HE’s brought me this far and I give HIM thanks in all things the good, the bad, and the ugly…

 

As I reached the nearest road, a person pulled over and took me to my apartment with my dad unknowing of one of the darkest moments of my life.  I was so desperate that I didn’t even tell him the seriousness of what I was dealing with.  I realize now that GOD moved on my dad’s heart to come get me traveling over 800 miles after I called my mom and let her know I wasn’t doing good.  If you need to be honest and tell someone you need help too, do it…  It’s ok when you’re feeling so very weak to get support until you’re better… Don’t wait (especially if you’re thinking of suicide and/or not eating…) It’s ok…  Getting help is being human and alive…  If you don’t have anyone, feel free to reach out to me…  Email me at:  jeffandtami@truevine.net

There are emergency numbers to call on this website as well.

To be continued…

 

 

 

Childhood left far behind

Memories though remind

Of innocence 

And freedom

For a time

 

Crushes left far behind

Memories though remind

Of interest

Other than just me

And mine

 

Hometown left far behind

Memories though remind

Of stability

And familiarity

Entwined

 

New to now old places left far behind

Memories though remind

Of adjustment not ready

And coping unsteady

Disinclined

 

Youth growing pains left far behind

Memories though remind

Of failures in choices made

And mistakes in decisions strayed

Misaligned

 

Broken relationships left far behind

Memories though remind

Of awkwardness

And immaturity

Combined

 

Peace and hope soon left far behind

Memories though remind

Of JESUS changing my demeanor

And self-esteem with composure

Aligned 

 

Friends and family left far behind

Memories though remind

Of being lost and afraid

And sin’s cost betrayed

Unrefined

 

Relationship with HIM left far behind

Memories though remind

HE’s the only way, the truth, and the life

Of shock to feel forsaken

And suicidal thoughts overtaken

Inclined

 

Realities once known left far behind

Memories though remind

Of faith in HIM for HIS mercy plead for

And only HE can rescue to restore

A sound mind

 

From psych hospital left far behind

Memories though remind

Of the pain and darkness tumbling

And life moving forward in starkness stumbling 

Blind

 

Seek HIM whom I left far behind

Memories though remind

Of mental illness diagnosis

And depression with psychosis

Confined

 

New opportunities with purpose I thought were left far behind

Memories though remind

Of HIS truth and kindness shown before

And HIS Word anew choosing to seek HIM to implore

Unwind

 

Someone close I’d have to leave far behind

Memories though remind

Of HIS choice for me to marry

And HIS way, truth, and the life chosen though I’d tarry

Outlined

 

Another episode into psych hospital again I thought was left far behind

Memories though remind

Of fears revisited and hallucinations come alive

And paranoia riveted inside

Divide

 

Another miracle release yet I felt left far behind

Memories though remind

Of continuing to call on HIS name for help and fears increased to cease to be set free

And so weak, weary, and wavering I’d barely hold on to a sense of reality

Contrived

 

Somehow I’d live and work with a growing family beside trying to leave the negative far behind

Memories though remind

Of hit and miss volleys of episodes small and large in magnitude

And the loss of less and less aptitude 

Maligned 

 

There were times I’d be alright with new peace and hope replacing what I wanted left far behind

Memories though remind

Of peace and hope not lasting for long

And I was a step away from a sense of security being gone

Unbind

 

My life crashed down again heading back to another psych hospital that I couldn’t leave far behind

Memories though remind

Of the wreckage I was causing my family broken apart

And damage of decades of doubt taken its toll on my heart

Deride

 

This time I’d protect my wife and fight the enemy and my demons I thought I left far behind

Memories though remind

Of failed attempts, of fear inept, and darkness’s depths while looking above

And yet I chose to walk by faith each step of the way confronting each giant to slay -along came love

To guide

 

My sense of love for my family upon seeing them I never want to leave far behind

Memories though remind

Of desire to fight to keep and to hold them close

And choose to put HIM first and love HIM most

Abide

 

I’d falter once again to enter the psych hospital and another battle escalated with the enemy of my soul who wants me left far behind

Memories though remind

Of faith, hope, and love that remains and the Spirit within to fight the war ensued outside

And HE proves faithful to be there by my side to protect my family, then to center me to defeat my enemy of pride, of lies, of disguise, of negative ties that have followed me from behind

Tried

 

I fight the good fight with HIS grace, mercy, forgiveness, encouragement, and compassion that has not left me far behind

Memories though remind

Of the battles that still need to be fought for others to know the truth

And become HIS disciple who follows with faith, hope, and love as proof

Decide

 

HE promises to never leave nor forsake when trust HIM, so there’s no fear of what’s left far behind

Memories though remind

Of praying on the armor and saving souls as wise being a soldier who will fight on the frontline

And to press on Heavenward to win the prize as a reflection of HIS Light to shine

Realigned

 

HE didn’t leave me far behind, but left the ninety-nine to come after me to find

Memories though remind

Of the deepest, darkest pit I fell into, that I might see -what HE bought would continue to pursue with love’s stride open to what frees

And to show and tell of HIS rescue, not just for me -but for you too HE will do until we’re made new… from above provide in what HE’s

Designed

 

 

 

 

 

 

Compassion opens my heart floodgate

Willing to enter yours broken apart relate

A gift given from above show for real equate

To uplift driven by love; know what you conceal frustrate

Await the torrential downpour of a hurricane

Straight to the point I’m here in all that may contain

Initial strong winds that won’t seem to wane

Within the eye of depression’s domain

Into outer bands stronger still won’t constrain

To greet your mental strain

To meet your pain

To accrete your emotion drained

To compete for your attention rather than refrain

To defeat darkness for light regain

To entreat life diverting suicide’s disdain

To treat with understanding listen to maintain

To replete faith, hope, and love to remain

To delete feeling all alone until HIS Presence you attain

GOD of comfort with the comfort received now will sustain

Compassion opens your heart floodgate as a new gift obtain

Fashioned to reopen for others broken apart relate to unchain

 

 

Child’s Viewpoint

Lay there hardly move

No where to go 

Learn to crawl

Make it somehow

Learn to walk

Get where need to be

Learn to run

Be first place

 

Teenager Viewpoint

Lay there until have to move

Go anywhere to do

No crawling 

Would look weak

Walk like nothings wrong

Be strong

Run to play the sport

Even if lose; hope to win

 

Young adult Viewpoint

Keep moving even if depressed

Losing hope of where to go

Breakdown will still crawl

Can’t give in 

Walk around wandering

Where do I need to be

Running from reality

On empty until stall out

 

Breaking point

Can’t just lay there

Just need to end it all

Crawling has faded away

Not a choice

Walk away from what is left

Stranded

Run from the tormenting thoughts

Until stopped -suicidal, suicide attempt, make it out somehow, mental illness diagnosed, negative thoughts fights now with faith, hope, and love; relapses then go to HIM who understands and delivers from again and again and again

 

Older Adult Viewpoint w/ the LORD

Find meaning now in day to day movement

Know where want to go

Help those along who crawl

Pray for a future and a hope

Walk on in faith not sight

Know who I’m meant to be

Run the race set in front of me

Await new strength to keep going

Why am I inspired late at night

Why not when the sun is bright

I guess the darkness is what you saved me from

I profess YOUR Light given is what has brought my freedom

It’s YOUR blood poured out that has bought my life back from the dead

It’s YOUR Word of life that has taught me to renew my mind to offset dread

It’s YOUR Spirit that has caught my undivided attention to walk on ahead

It’s YOUR Presence that has sought my soul deserving punishment to restore instead

It’s YOUR touch that has given my life vision and purpose to be mission led

It’s YOUR love that has chased away the fear and how now life is lived and interpreted

 

Gone in an instant

Nearby or distant

Happen so fast

Only memories last

It seems a dream

Or nightmare’s scream

Unborn never breathe

A child too soon leave

A youth in their prime

Runs out of time

Young adult taken

Feel heartache forsaken

Parent no longer near

Who offers advice to steer

Elderly wear thin so frail

Just give out a heart fail

Are you lost in despair

When life just isn’t fair

How can I understand

All I know HE has a plan

Trust in JESUS through trials

Keep in touch all the while

Get through it no matter

Stay closer rather than scatter

Hold on to the Lifeline

Faith, hope, and love find

You’re alive now for a reason

Even if it may be only a season

You’re time too will come

When it does go to HIS Kingdom

Only if you believe on the LORD

HE bought what money couldn’t afford

A room just for you better than a mansion

No more fear, pain, sickness, death fathom

You brought near by HIS blood essence

Don’t give in to suicide; await HIS Presence

For there is great reward to persevere and endure

More than a conqueror overcome severe until secure

One day forevermore eternity into later reunion

No longer daily uncertainty into greater communion 

Where the end is not the end only buffering

Accept there will be an end to lonely suffering 

Into new beginnings Rock of Salvation’s war scars underpinnings

With thanksgivings lock in ovations for Morningstar’s winnings

Open wide HIS gates for those who walk the straight and narrow

Broken stride awaits body brand new walk in strength beyond marrow

Dry as desert desolate come alive HE will deliver again 

By Living Water treasured activate dive in HIS river to mend

Renews mind to be sound, clear, instill with peace

Redeems heart to freely pound no fear beyond downhill ceased

Restores soul to be found appear new will lease

Replenishes inside gracefully abound, sincere, day to day still increased

Refreshes spirit bountifully surround, near, fulfilled, released

Remains HE will be to the end found even until after deceased…

 

Once so crumbling devastated

Then to be humbly elevated

Thankful for HIS grace…

 

Once so broken inside fragmented pieces

Then to have faith’s security, hope’s clarity, and love’s sincerity that increases

Thankful for HIS mercy…

 

Once so trapped in the deepest pit

Then to have the fortitude to never quit

Thankful for HIS compassion…

 

Once so alone in shock doubting and questioning all of reality in total darkness

Then to be brought near to HIM contrite into the Light rescued so my mind works with new ability and noble sparked interests

Thankful for HIS giving me faith…

 

Once so wavering in turmoil thought I’d been tossed out to sea with Heaven now closed

Then to be set free with destination in fact now open forevermore so my soul alert to HIS faithfulness knows

Thankful for HIS giving me hope…

 

Once so fearful, empty, selfish, and filled with self-hatred 

Then to be at peace, fully restored, reaching out, and overflowing fulfillment so my hearts desires come true of its longing created for, awaited for, and elated for the sacred

Thankful for HIS giving me love…

 

Once so weak sinking beneath the pressure and stress anxiously in agony left to my malady of bankruptcy almost a tragedy

Then in renewed strength rising above accepting my spirit beyond measure to profess consciously in cadency my testimony of amnesty about HIS remedy

Thankful for HIS giving HIS Spirit reuniting mine…

Mine or yours having fierce suicidal thoughts are not a sin in its reoccurring more than meditation

Mine or yours having fierce suicidal thoughts are a battle we can win enduring the onslaught and persevering until disaster passes without retaliation

My frontline reality is fighting beyond suicidal ideation into dreams desires for realization

My focus centrality is encouraging all to make it out within HIS remediation

My frame of reference is faith, hope, and love to abound from the Creator to HIS creation

My family I live for so I continue to press on with determination

My faith is that I don’t live for myself alone, but unto HIM in adoration

My freedom is to live pure to be secure in God the FATHER’s hands for the SON’s traits rebuilding within this clay as HIS formation

 

I know some will overcome every moment into freedom in the future with just being blood bought

I know some will succumb to its’ warring thoughts, yet with faith as small as a mustard seed will put trust in HIM continually knowing its not for nought

I know some will be numb from the scarring its wrought, yet rise above into new life after whats fraught

I know some will come to know JESUS once sparring alone to discover who helps in the battles fought

I know some will become found to enter in HIM after the jarring being stuck as HE lifts up with compassion from the pit caught

I know some will be from outer darkness until starring with HIM from mercy inward being taught

I know some will fall seven times and rise again 8, since each turn for help is hope and strength in HIM having sought

I know some will face their giants with grace until each one is slain to stand above the onslaught