Archive for the ‘suicidal thoughts’ Category

I recently shared my suicide attempt story with Anne Moss Rogers who is an author, a public speaker, and a suicide prevention trainer.  She is the site owner of the Emotionally Naked Blog. Her son Charles Aubrey Rogers died by suicide on June 5, 2015.  Anne has dedicated her life to help others who have suffered the loss of a loved one and to help prevent suicide through awareness and training.  She allows others to share their stories and is a voice of hope with a compassionate heart.  She carries precious memories of her son as she carries on to make a positive difference in this world…

Here is the article I wrote:  https://annemoss.com/2020/01/06/a-suicide-attempt-survivor-speaks-out/

I walk past my dad sleeping on the couch.  He came to get me.  I open the door slowly, quietly.  I close it behind me.  I realize now that it was unwise of me to not get help and go it on my own.  But I didn’t think of getting help until it was too late.  Ask for help if you need it!…

I walk away further than I had been into the darkest night.  I had been walking away for quite some time.  Away from faith and trust in JESUS.  Late nights, barely any sleep.  Trying to get through my university classes and working.  Hadn’t been eating much if not at all for weeks.  Thoughts began turning against me until suicidal.  I realize now I was needing to eat and nourish my body and was part of the reason my mind turned against myself.  Nourish your body so as not to do it damage or cause the wiring in the brain to malfunction/misfire…

As I walked onward, the intensity of the situation became unbearable.  GOD seemed to be warning me and I questioned it wondering if I should turn back.  Then I made the decision to go farther at a quicker pace.  Swarms of mosquitos appear out of nowhere attacking my hypersensitive self to make matters worse and more dreadful than at first.  It was torturous and had never happened to me before nor anytime after.  I think about turning back again.  I continue on instead.  I believe GOD was trying to stop me, but I wouldn’t listen.  I realize now that it wasn’t GOD’s heart for me to do.  GOD doesn’t tempt us to hurt ourselves or to commit suicide and wants us to trust HIM as HE works in and through us to become who HE’s called us to be…

I understand though how someone can get so low as to commit suicide.  I don’t judge, yet I know that GOD’s heart is not for this to be the outcome…

I ended up in a field of abandoned cars.  Ironic that this is how I felt.  Abandoned.  An empty shell of my former self.  Wide open to the elements.  No more human presence.  Not able to go anymore.  Broken spirit like all the engines there.  I sat in one of the doorless vehicles contemplating for hours whether I’d take my life or not.  Then I contemplated what seemed like just minutes or seconds. 2 or 3 times got ready then decided this is it.  It was then as if the enemy of my soul took his heavy pressuring off of me as I attempted.  It was as if he pushed me to that edge.  Then I was left all alone.  So I thought.  I realize now that GOD doesn’t give up on anyone and will help us when we turn back to HIM in trust continuing to live on until HE rebuilds us… Place your trust in GOD to get you through anything by choosing to endure and persevere for there is great reward if you do…

 

I came up for air.  I realize now GOD wouldn’t let me drown, because HE had a plan for my life…  But I didn’t know it then.  GOD has a plan for a hope and a future for you too…

 

Confused.  What did I do?  I was scared.  Cursed.  Accursed?  That is how I felt.  I realize now that GOD has great compassion and enduring mercy.  HE wouldn’t abandon me like the car in the broken empty graveyard.  But I didn’t know it then.  GOD will show you great compassion and enduring mercy to the most difficult things you’ve experienced in your life…  Let HIM help you too…

 

I’m still alive.  Am I though?  I felt so lost, ashamed, and guilt ridden as I walked back.  I realize now GOD would find me, heal me, and forgive me further along the healing journey.   But I didn’t know it then.  At some point GOD will find you, heal you inside, and forgive you too if you ask HIM, seek HIM, and knock for HIM when don’t give up (took time over 19 years to experience healing of various aspects of my mind, heart, soul, and spirit). JESUS is faithful and true and I couldn’t do it on my own without HIM… HE’s brought me this far and I give HIM thanks in all things the good, the bad, and the ugly…

 

As I reached the nearest road, a person pulled over and took me to my apartment with my dad unknowing of one of the darkest moments of my life.  I was so desperate that I didn’t even tell him the seriousness of what I was dealing with.  I realize now that GOD moved on my dad’s heart to come get me traveling over 800 miles after I called my mom and let her know I wasn’t doing good.  If you need to be honest and tell someone you need help too, do it…  It’s ok when you’re feeling so very weak to get support until you’re better… Don’t wait (especially if you’re thinking of suicide and/or not eating…) It’s ok…  Getting help is being human and alive…  If you don’t have anyone, feel free to reach out to me…  Email me at:  jeffandtami@truevine.net

There are emergency numbers to call on this website as well.

To be continued…

 

 

 

Childhood left far behind

Memories though remind

Of innocence 

And freedom

For a time

 

Crushes left far behind

Memories though remind

Of interest

Other than just me

And mine

 

Hometown left far behind

Memories though remind

Of stability

And familiarity

Entwined

 

New to now old places left far behind

Memories though remind

Of adjustment not ready

And coping unsteady

Disinclined

 

Youth growing pains left far behind

Memories though remind

Of failures in choices made

And mistakes in decisions strayed

Misaligned

 

Broken relationships left far behind

Memories though remind

Of awkwardness

And immaturity

Combined

 

Peace and hope soon left far behind

Memories though remind

Of JESUS changing my demeanor

And self-esteem with composure

Aligned 

 

Friends and family left far behind

Memories though remind

Of being lost and afraid

And sin’s cost betrayed

Unrefined

 

Relationship with HIM left far behind

Memories though remind

HE’s the only way, the truth, and the life

Of shock to feel forsaken

And suicidal thoughts overtaken

Inclined

 

Realities once known left far behind

Memories though remind

Of faith in HIM for HIS mercy plead for

And only HE can rescue to restore

A sound mind

 

From psych hospital left far behind

Memories though remind

Of the pain and darkness tumbling

And life moving forward in starkness stumbling 

Blind

 

Seek HIM whom I left far behind

Memories though remind

Of mental illness diagnosis

And depression with psychosis

Confined

 

New opportunities with purpose I thought were left far behind

Memories though remind

Of HIS truth and kindness shown before

And HIS Word anew choosing to seek HIM to implore

Unwind

 

Someone close I’d have to leave far behind

Memories though remind

Of HIS choice for me to marry

And HIS way, truth, and the life chosen though I’d tarry

Outlined

 

Another episode into psych hospital again I thought was left far behind

Memories though remind

Of fears revisited and hallucinations come alive

And paranoia riveted inside

Divide

 

Another miracle release yet I felt left far behind

Memories though remind

Of continuing to call on HIS name for help and fears increased to cease to be set free

And so weak, weary, and wavering I’d barely hold on to a sense of reality

Contrived

 

Somehow I’d live and work with a growing family beside trying to leave the negative far behind

Memories though remind

Of hit and miss volleys of episodes small and large in magnitude

And the loss of less and less aptitude 

Maligned 

 

There were times I’d be alright with new peace and hope replacing what I wanted left far behind

Memories though remind

Of peace and hope not lasting for long

And I was a step away from a sense of security being gone

Unbind

 

My life crashed down again heading back to another psych hospital that I couldn’t leave far behind

Memories though remind

Of the wreckage I was causing my family broken apart

And damage of decades of doubt taken its toll on my heart

Deride

 

This time I’d protect my wife and fight the enemy and my demons I thought I left far behind

Memories though remind

Of failed attempts, of fear inept, and darkness’s depths while looking above

And yet I chose to walk by faith each step of the way confronting each giant to slay -along came love

To guide

 

My sense of love for my family upon seeing them I never want to leave far behind

Memories though remind

Of desire to fight to keep and to hold them close

And choose to put HIM first and love HIM most

Abide

 

I’d falter once again to enter the psych hospital and another battle escalated with the enemy of my soul who wants me left far behind

Memories though remind

Of faith, hope, and love that remains and the Spirit within to fight the war ensued outside

And HE proves faithful to be there by my side to protect my family, then to center me to defeat my enemy of pride, of lies, of disguise, of negative ties that have followed me from behind

Tried

 

I fight the good fight with HIS grace, mercy, forgiveness, encouragement, and compassion that has not left me far behind

Memories though remind

Of the battles that still need to be fought for others to know the truth

And become HIS disciple who follows with faith, hope, and love as proof

Decide

 

HE promises to never leave nor forsake when trust HIM, so there’s no fear of what’s left far behind

Memories though remind

Of praying on the armor and saving souls as wise being a soldier who will fight on the frontline

And to press on Heavenward to win the prize as a reflection of HIS Light to shine

Realigned

 

HE didn’t leave me far behind, but left the ninety-nine to come after me to find

Memories though remind

Of the deepest, darkest pit I fell into, that I might see -what HE bought would continue to pursue with love’s stride open to what frees

And to show and tell of HIS rescue, not just for me -but for you too HE will do until we’re made new… from above provide in what HE’s

Designed

 

 

 

 

 

 

Compassion opens my heart floodgate

Willing to enter yours broken apart relate

A gift given from above show for real equate

To uplift driven by love; know what you conceal frustrate

Await the torrential downpour of a hurricane

Straight to the point I’m here in all that may contain

Initial strong winds that won’t seem to wane

Within the eye of depression’s domain

Into outer bands stronger still won’t constrain

To greet your mental strain

To meet your pain

To accrete your emotion drained

To compete for your attention rather than refrain

To defeat darkness for light regain

To entreat life diverting suicide’s disdain

To treat with understanding listen to maintain

To replete faith, hope, and love to remain

To delete feeling all alone until HIS Presence you attain

GOD of comfort with the comfort received now will sustain

Compassion opens your heart floodgate as a new gift obtain

Fashioned to reopen for others broken apart relate to unchain

 

 

Child’s Viewpoint

Lay there hardly move

No where to go 

Learn to crawl

Make it somehow

Learn to walk

Get where need to be

Learn to run

Be first place

 

Teenager Viewpoint

Lay there until have to move

Go anywhere to do

No crawling 

Would look weak

Walk like nothings wrong

Be strong

Run to play the sport

Even if lose; hope to win

 

Young adult Viewpoint

Keep moving even if depressed

Losing hope of where to go

Breakdown will still crawl

Can’t give in 

Walk around wandering

Where do I need to be

Running from reality

On empty until stall out

 

Breaking point

Can’t just lay there

Just need to end it all

Crawling has faded away

Not a choice

Walk away from what is left

Stranded

Run from the tormenting thoughts

Until stopped -suicidal, suicide attempt, make it out somehow, mental illness diagnosed, negative thoughts fights now with faith, hope, and love; relapses then go to HIM who understands and delivers from again and again and again

 

Older Adult Viewpoint w/ the LORD

Find meaning now in day to day movement

Know where want to go

Help those along who crawl

Pray for a future and a hope

Walk on in faith not sight

Know who I’m meant to be

Run the race set in front of me

Await new strength to keep going

Why am I inspired late at night

Why not when the sun is bright

I guess the darkness is what you saved me from

I profess YOUR Light given is what has brought my freedom

It’s YOUR blood poured out that has bought my life back from the dead

It’s YOUR Word of life that has taught me to renew my mind to offset dread

It’s YOUR Spirit that has caught my undivided attention to walk on ahead

It’s YOUR Presence that has sought my soul deserving punishment to restore instead

It’s YOUR touch that has given my life vision and purpose to be mission led

It’s YOUR love that has chased away the fear and how now life is lived and interpreted

 

Gone in an instant

Nearby or distant

Happen so fast

Only memories last

It seems a dream

Or nightmare’s scream

Unborn never breathe

A child too soon leave

A youth in their prime

Runs out of time

Young adult taken

Feel heartache forsaken

Parent no longer near

Who offers advice to steer

Elderly wear thin so frail

Just give out a heart fail

Are you lost in despair

When life just isn’t fair

How can I understand

All I know HE has a plan

Trust in JESUS through trials

Keep in touch all the while

Get through it no matter

Stay closer rather than scatter

Hold on to the Lifeline

Faith, hope, and love find

You’re alive now for a reason

Even if it may be only a season

You’re time too will come

When it does go to HIS Kingdom

Only if you believe on the LORD

HE bought what money couldn’t afford

A room just for you better than a mansion

No more fear, pain, sickness, death fathom

You brought near by HIS blood essence

Don’t give in to suicide; await HIS Presence

For there is great reward to persevere and endure

More than a conqueror overcome severe until secure

One day forevermore eternity into later reunion

No longer daily uncertainty into greater communion 

Where the end is not the end only buffering

Accept there will be an end to lonely suffering 

Into new beginnings Rock of Salvation’s war scars underpinnings

With thanksgivings lock in ovations for Morningstar’s winnings

Open wide HIS gates for those who walk the straight and narrow

Broken stride awaits body brand new walk in strength beyond marrow

Dry as desert desolate come alive HE will deliver again 

By Living Water treasured activate dive in HIS river to mend

Renews mind to be sound, clear, instill with peace

Redeems heart to freely pound no fear beyond downhill ceased

Restores soul to be found appear new will lease

Replenishes inside gracefully abound, sincere, day to day still increased

Refreshes spirit bountifully surround, near, fulfilled, released

Remains HE will be to the end found even until after deceased…