Archive for the ‘Gods heart’ Category

I walk past my dad sleeping on the couch.  He came to get me.  I open the door slowly, quietly.  I close it behind me.  I realize now that it was unwise of me to not get help and go it on my own.  But I didn’t think of getting help until it was too late.  Ask for help if you need it!…

I walk away further than I had been into the darkest night.  I had been walking away for quite some time.  Away from faith and trust in JESUS.  Late nights, barely any sleep.  Trying to get through my university classes and working.  Hadn’t been eating much if not at all for weeks.  Thoughts began turning against me until suicidal.  I realize now I was needing to eat and nourish my body and was part of the reason my mind turned against myself.  Nourish your body so as not to do it damage or cause the wiring in the brain to malfunction/misfire…

As I walked onward, the intensity of the situation became unbearable.  GOD seemed to be warning me and I questioned it wondering if I should turn back.  Then I made the decision to go farther at a quicker pace.  Swarms of mosquitos appear out of nowhere attacking my hypersensitive self to make matters worse and more dreadful than at first.  It was torturous and had never happened to me before nor anytime after.  I think about turning back again.  I continue on instead.  I believe GOD was trying to stop me, but I wouldn’t listen.  I realize now that it wasn’t GOD’s heart for me to do.  GOD doesn’t tempt us to hurt ourselves or to commit suicide and wants us to trust HIM as HE works in and through us to become who HE’s called us to be…

I understand though how someone can get so low as to commit suicide.  I don’t judge, yet I know that GOD’s heart is not for this to be the outcome…

I ended up in a field of abandoned cars.  Ironic that this is how I felt.  Abandoned.  An empty shell of my former self.  Wide open to the elements.  No more human presence.  Not able to go anymore.  Broken spirit like all the engines there.  I sat in one of the doorless vehicles contemplating for hours whether I’d take my life or not.  Then I contemplated what seemed like just minutes or seconds. 2 or 3 times got ready then decided this is it.  It was then as if the enemy of my soul took his heavy pressuring off of me as I attempted.  It was as if he pushed me to that edge.  Then I was left all alone.  So I thought.  I realize now that GOD doesn’t give up on anyone and will help us when we turn back to HIM in trust continuing to live on until HE rebuilds us… Place your trust in GOD to get you through anything by choosing to endure and persevere for there is great reward if you do…

 

I came up for air.  I realize now GOD wouldn’t let me drown, because HE had a plan for my life…  But I didn’t know it then.  GOD has a plan for a hope and a future for you too…

 

Confused.  What did I do?  I was scared.  Cursed.  Accursed?  That is how I felt.  I realize now that GOD has great compassion and enduring mercy.  HE wouldn’t abandon me like the car in the broken empty graveyard.  But I didn’t know it then.  GOD will show you great compassion and enduring mercy to the most difficult things you’ve experienced in your life…  Let HIM help you too…

 

I’m still alive.  Am I though?  I felt so lost, ashamed, and guilt ridden as I walked back.  I realize now GOD would find me, heal me, and forgive me further along the healing journey.   But I didn’t know it then.  At some point GOD will find you, heal you inside, and forgive you too if you ask HIM, seek HIM, and knock for HIM when don’t give up (took time over 19 years to experience healing of various aspects of my mind, heart, soul, and spirit). JESUS is faithful and true and I couldn’t do it on my own without HIM… HE’s brought me this far and I give HIM thanks in all things the good, the bad, and the ugly…

 

As I reached the nearest road, a person pulled over and took me to my apartment with my dad unknowing of one of the darkest moments of my life.  I was so desperate that I didn’t even tell him the seriousness of what I was dealing with.  I realize now that GOD moved on my dad’s heart to come get me traveling over 800 miles after I called my mom and let her know I wasn’t doing good.  If you need to be honest and tell someone you need help too, do it…  It’s ok when you’re feeling so very weak to get support until you’re better… Don’t wait (especially if you’re thinking of suicide and/or not eating…) It’s ok…  Getting help is being human and alive…  If you don’t have anyone, feel free to reach out to me…  Email me at:  jeffandtami@truevine.net

There are emergency numbers to call on this website as well.

To be continued…

 

Some just see the stars

I realize who they are

Reflection’s faces of worth

Recollection’s traces from birth

Resurrection’s races above earth

 

Some just see the stars

I realize Words near are now those far

Rejections here accepted there 

Redirections steer kept aware

Redemptions appear when care to share

 

Some just see the stars

I realize the tears kept above in jars

Ramifications cause certain death yet still free to shine

Ratifications pause hurtin’/ breath yet will be wholly Thine

Representations’ applause determined shibboleth let fill eternity divine

 

Some just see the stars

I realize the majestic Mystery is in Heaven’s registrar

Revealing Abraham’s descendants with faith believing

Repealing Adam’s tenants turn in repentance with hope receiving

Re-appealing Atonements residence with love conceiving 

 

Some just see the stars

I realize HE gave all to find the lost in HIS scars

Rekindling chosen sparks to live on despite faltering in it all

Reminding open hearts to give the Light reassuring to install

Rebuilding broken parts to forgive lives answering HIS call

 

See the Morning Star

I realize HE is the Author of it all so trust and believe HIM to write the rest of your memoir

Rescuing your life from demise to become wise

Redeeming your life from the lies now arise

Recommitting your life walking forward Heavenward for the prize with no disguise

 

Looking Heavenward to point you to the new

Things above eternal you happen into a rescue

Finding faith, hope, and love that remains

With grace, mercy, and compassion that sustains

Will you see true North’s Morning Star

Engraved in the palm of HIS hand within the scar

Your name written in the Lamb’s Book of Life secure

Your heart now open first look into becoming pure

A hope to see GOD in the near future with focus clearer

Available and willing to do HIS will as you draw nearer

Relatable so fulfilling to be still and just know HIM more

Awaiting direction to go and do the commands HE gave to restore

Shining reflection to grow as HIS feet and hands to save souls implore

Forgetting what is behind pressing on to run the race of faith the goal reach toward

Letting the Spirit lead and guide into all truth overflowing with power to teach then reward

 

Oceans deeper than I knew

At the surface shallow depth of blue

 

Darkness fades into black beneath

Starkest sins forgiven sink to bottom soon left bequeath

 

Touch of sun’s glow at dawn rising and dusk falling

Much unknown below of bygones; capsizing? -reach in trust calling

 

You’re not meant to carry the weight of magnetic pull to the ocean’s floor

HIS plan will bury the bait/hook/line/sinker you fell into; empathetic full motion of waves send you back to shore

 

Space where stars and moon have no access to shine no need to ever know

Grace through faith to Heaven will rise you above to see freedom from, no longer blind, to forever go

HE holds the keys to life and death muse

HE gives the vision, purpose, and FATHER’s will to be used

HE is the Mystery unto a long life and eternity found in the clues

HE is the reason to live this life in HIS grace, mercy, and compassion outward ooze 

HE is the reason to live this life by faith, hope, and love inward soothes

HE is the reason to live this life by HIS Spirit Heavenward set on cruise

HE is the reason to die to selfish ambitions and from all the other distractions that woos

HE is the reason to die to worldly possessions now that life is found in HIM for a hope and future that continually pursues

HE is the reason to die to lust and evil desires for purity within lends itself to sincerity of love unto HIM a disciple proves

HE is protection from all the enemy’s ruse

HE provides healing to the scars of all that abused

You gain back more when withdrew from all the world to serve HIM choose

HE defends HIS own from who may accuse

HE embodies all truths

HE is the resurrected Good News

HE ignites the LIGHT of the world fuse

HE wins back all that you lose

 

To whom sadness casts you downward spiral; flood sows in tears when

Hold your breath so as not to drown in sudden death

HE keeps all your tears in a bottle kept in Heaven

 

To whom madness lasts, bruise inward exile, blood flows in fears often

Catch your breath to turn from suicidal death

HE frees you from fears with HIS perfect love made alive again

 

To whom badness blasts, lose backward in denial, judge woes in jeers descend

Take a breath before heading down that wrong path that leads to death

HE sees you and clears the past jeers east to west so all you are is forgiven

 

To whom callous lash out, choose outward hostile grudge, pose a threat it appears

Lose your breath for vengeance refrain from causing misled death

HE can appease your inner turmoil of anger and bitterness when HE appears to be the One to defend bringing peace within 

 

To whom gladness basks in the Good News, forward vital nudge, grows when drawn near to HIM open

Refresh new breath by the Spirit that brings new life beyond all death

HE brings a future and a hope with purpose and vision with a mission to be love now driven

When I was lost

I looked to faith and was found by HIM who will never leave

When I was alone

I looked to hope and found a Friend through my grief to bring within more peace

When I was in need

I looked to love of my Friend who set me free from fears that ceased

When I was desperate for change

I looked to mercy freeing from failure to be released

When I was growing

I looked to grace HE gives that lifted me above my failure to be in a family that increased

When I was helped

I looked to compassion from HIM within the family to give forward what I received

When I was newly open

I now look forward to a hope and a future conceived

When I was learning what was in HIS heart

I now look with vision of a future forthcoming where orphans find relief

When I was seeking HIS will

I now look with purpose forthcoming of Heaven filled with others who too believe