Archive for the ‘faith’ Category

I walk past my dad sleeping on the couch.  He came to get me.  I open the door slowly, quietly.  I close it behind me.  I realize now that it was unwise of me to not get help and go it on my own.  But I didn’t think of getting help until it was too late.  Ask for help if you need it!…

I walk away further than I had been into the darkest night.  I had been walking away for quite some time.  Away from faith and trust in JESUS.  Late nights, barely any sleep.  Trying to get through my university classes and working.  Hadn’t been eating much if not at all for weeks.  Thoughts began turning against me until suicidal.  I realize now I was needing to eat and nourish my body and was part of the reason my mind turned against myself.  Nourish your body so as not to do it damage or cause the wiring in the brain to malfunction/misfire…

As I walked onward, the intensity of the situation became unbearable.  GOD seemed to be warning me and I questioned it wondering if I should turn back.  Then I made the decision to go farther at a quicker pace.  Swarms of mosquitos appear out of nowhere attacking my hypersensitive self to make matters worse and more dreadful than at first.  It was torturous and had never happened to me before nor anytime after.  I think about turning back again.  I continue on instead.  I believe GOD was trying to stop me, but I wouldn’t listen.  I realize now that it wasn’t GOD’s heart for me to do.  GOD doesn’t tempt us to hurt ourselves or to commit suicide and wants us to trust HIM as HE works in and through us to become who HE’s called us to be…

I understand though how someone can get so low as to commit suicide.  I don’t judge, yet I know that GOD’s heart is not for this to be the outcome…

I ended up in a field of abandoned cars.  Ironic that this is how I felt.  Abandoned.  An empty shell of my former self.  Wide open to the elements.  No more human presence.  Not able to go anymore.  Broken spirit like all the engines there.  I sat in one of the doorless vehicles contemplating for hours whether I’d take my life or not.  Then I contemplated what seemed like just minutes or seconds. 2 or 3 times got ready then decided this is it.  It was then as if the enemy of my soul took his heavy pressuring off of me as I attempted.  It was as if he pushed me to that edge.  Then I was left all alone.  So I thought.  I realize now that GOD doesn’t give up on anyone and will help us when we turn back to HIM in trust continuing to live on until HE rebuilds us… Place your trust in GOD to get you through anything by choosing to endure and persevere for there is great reward if you do…

 

I came up for air.  I realize now GOD wouldn’t let me drown, because HE had a plan for my life…  But I didn’t know it then.  GOD has a plan for a hope and a future for you too…

 

Confused.  What did I do?  I was scared.  Cursed.  Accursed?  That is how I felt.  I realize now that GOD has great compassion and enduring mercy.  HE wouldn’t abandon me like the car in the broken empty graveyard.  But I didn’t know it then.  GOD will show you great compassion and enduring mercy to the most difficult things you’ve experienced in your life…  Let HIM help you too…

 

I’m still alive.  Am I though?  I felt so lost, ashamed, and guilt ridden as I walked back.  I realize now GOD would find me, heal me, and forgive me further along the healing journey.   But I didn’t know it then.  At some point GOD will find you, heal you inside, and forgive you too if you ask HIM, seek HIM, and knock for HIM when don’t give up (took time over 19 years to experience healing of various aspects of my mind, heart, soul, and spirit). JESUS is faithful and true and I couldn’t do it on my own without HIM… HE’s brought me this far and I give HIM thanks in all things the good, the bad, and the ugly…

 

As I reached the nearest road, a person pulled over and took me to my apartment with my dad unknowing of one of the darkest moments of my life.  I was so desperate that I didn’t even tell him the seriousness of what I was dealing with.  I realize now that GOD moved on my dad’s heart to come get me traveling over 800 miles after I called my mom and let her know I wasn’t doing good.  If you need to be honest and tell someone you need help too, do it…  It’s ok when you’re feeling so very weak to get support until you’re better… Don’t wait (especially if you’re thinking of suicide and/or not eating…) It’s ok…  Getting help is being human and alive…  If you don’t have anyone, feel free to reach out to me…  Email me at:  jeffandtami@truevine.net

There are emergency numbers to call on this website as well.

To be continued…

Life is next to nothing everything

Might as well revisit the exquisite

Life is found when abound in love surround

Might as well revisit most to listen close

Life holds the history so behold the Mystery

Might as well revisit memories then store up Heaven’s treasuries

Life is not about me alone to own

Might as well revisit to make known to others HIS wonders to become sisters and brothers

Life is faith, hope, and love sown to be shown

Might as well revisit to make known HIS salvation plan unto ovation stand

Life is lived from a place of quiet try it and then aloud allowed

Might as well revisit the solitary momentarily for when a missionary extraordinary

Life is hard pressed on every side abide, yet not crushed to be rushed forth

Might as well revisit how we make it through anew 

Life is perplexed reflexed, but not in despair aware to care

Might as well revisit those who are under par broken apart in scars near and far

Life is persecuted reputed, but not forsaken awaken to truth unshaken

Might as well revisit to be there for the burdens to bear and love to share

Life is struck down upon the ground, but not destroyed to be deployed 

Might as well revisit to fight the good fight in view of Heaven’s witnesses to join as future citizens setting free those in prisons lost and afraid with no decisions until arisen 

Life is eternal going on and on and you’re not forgotten

Might as well revisit the reason why you cry and then apply why you are alive born to do more than just survive, today arrive at a crossroads decide who you can confide in, tomorrow into a hope and future abide under HIS wings of mercy hide no longer cast aside or denied this side of eternity until into HIS arms open wide ride on the heights when fears subside HE will always and forever guide…

KING of kings

Understanding all things

Reign down

Droplets of tears

From YOUR domain

Mixed with the rain

Yet YOU don’t hide to refrain

The pain YOU feel so real

YOU’ll maintain all who turn

To YOU Whom will sustain

With faith, hope, and love to remain

GOD of comfort toward find compassion to gain

Not for us to borrow what’s harrowing then wane

YOU don’t want only our sorrow a fraction to drain

Just the depths of our marrow in action to walk the extra mile unrestrained 

Present for those low in despair until on their feet with traction by HIS love unfeigned

YOU want followers to follow with attraction in the fruit of the Spirit trained 

For souls hollow to be made whole in satisfaction by the Savior who saves attain

Today and for every 

Tomorrow 

HE will fill us up to overflow

Know HIS will and go

Fulfill HIS command to show

Faith, hope, and love to grow

YOUR promises kept more than rainbows

More than we can think, ask, or imagine YOU chose

Beyond the death, burial, and resurrection after YOU arose

To sit at the right hand of the FATHER as our High Priest interceding in our throes

Until YOUR grace, mercy, and compassion is known with freedom above our lows

Giving us a testimony of YOUR faithfulness and victory with seed given as a sower sows 

Seasoned as salt YOU are better to taste and see YOUR goodness in perfect dose

Reflection of Light YOU shine into and through the darkness with our eyes YOUR Spirit glows

New life is given by YOU and YOUR rest provides peace surpassing understanding in repose

We will continue to press on to endure and persevere passing on through deaths shadows

We will learn to wait upon HIM for renewed strength to soar on wings like eagles above our foes

Until we are able to run and not grow weary to walk and not faint when once were solo so low, but now no longer alone or hollow we’ll press on to follow our Hero who helps us through our woes…

Kept pure now embrace

Wept tears down my face

Accept near around to taste

Stepped appears found in faith to trace

Perfect clear skies surround with hope in place

Adept sincere abound in love encase

Swept fears aground in haste

Precept cheers expound HIS grace

Leapt endears HIS renown to chase

Stressed veer off course confound off base

Reset gears rebound to keep up pace

Inept years earthbound not a waste

Accept sphere now Heaven bound displace

Intercept new frontier unbound where sin’s erased

Repped adheres profound HIS mercy each day replace

Windswept austere resound HIS compassion always

Net peers abound with Truth that saves

Interpret what ears hear come down from  HIS voice amaze

Let steer profound by HIS Spirit each day unfazed

Met -we’re compound together to follow in HIS ways

Forge ahead

No longer dead

Walk by faith instead

 

Ignore dread

Now stronger led

Chock full of hope imbed

 

Mentor tread

Go conquer over enemy fled

Flock to HIM in love that’s kindred

 

New life can be gained inside to prosper

Open to be saved in HIS coffer

Rock of Salvation encouraged in Truth to be HIS goffer

 

By grace you become HIS son or daughter

In compassion let HIM write your story as Author

Stock up with mercy being a living sacrifice you offer

 

Ask for greater faith to be given by our FATHER

Seek for greater hope to be given by the Spirit taught astir

Knock for greater love to be given by our Savior who fought for all refilling cups with Living Water

Life seems to have passed you by

Only good memories faded

Even ones that left you elated

Why the bad memories here today yet outdated

Falling from mind to heart deflated 

Never leaving you alone; leaves you jaded

 

Life still seems to have cast truth aside

Only good dreams abated

Even ones that left you confiscated

Why the bad dreams today frustrated

Falling from heart to soul agitated

Never leaving you alone; leaves you aggravated

 

Life will still seem to have miscast truth to be denied

Only good dreams desecrated

Even ones that left you devastated 

Why the bad dreams today detonated

Falling from soul to spirit inundated

Never leaving you alone; leaves you feeling separated

 

Life seems to have amassed lies to you that misguide

Only good memories now antiquated

Even ones that left you dissipated

Why not the bad memories today be traded

Forgiveness falling from mind to heart alleviated

Never leaving you alone;  leaves you consecrated

 

Life still seems to have outlast the lies with truth now abide

Only good dreams captivated

Even ones that left you become reactivated

Why the bad dreams today can be extricated

Mercy falling from heart to soul cascaded 

Never leaving you alone; leaves you rehydrated

 

Life will still have amassed truth apply if in HIM you delight

Only good dreams awaited to come true soon enough fabricated and integrated

Even ones that left you now are advocated just belated 

Why the bad dreams yesterday can be vacated and evaded

Grace falling from soul to spirit liberated and motivated

Never leaving you alone; leaves you with faith, hope, and love affiliated and consummated 

Why must I

Rhyme

In or out of sync

Succinct

Out the window

At a weeping willow

Reset sleep onto pillow

Fellowship wherever the wind does blow

Silhouette alone in the shadow 

Won’t make an innuendo in the end though

Crescendo

 

Why fight

Rhythm this time

How meaning will link

Brink

Of disaster thrown

Or laughter sown

Here and now known

No matter, will own

Then or later grown

Happily ever… shown

After… on into Heaven go

 

Stronger than wrong

Longer than right come and gone

Not for long, back again like a favorite song

Wrong turn, then turn back onto the narrow road walk along

Mercy new with the dawn 

Only because of YOU I belong

With faith, hope, and love I’m drawn

By YOUR Spirit conquer not with brawn

To be YOUR witness to the throng

Beyond the suicide attempt with new life prolong

 

Never will forget 

Not kept a secret

Spoken to let 

You get set

To live anew now met

With rebirth beget

Pure and true to offset

Beyond your regret

And no longer to fret 

For in HIS hands are always kept