Transcendental

Posted: August 4, 2017 in Poems, Suicide
Tags: , ,

Read my poem below, maybe you can relate…

This is one of the first, and may very well be the first poem I ever wrote.  It was when I went away to the university away from home and on my own for the first time.  It didn’t take long to find myself struggling to survive as a wayward youth.  Somehow, I trudged on despite debilitating depression, intimidating fears, and perplexing anxieties to graduate with a Bachelor of Science in Psychology.  A few days later  –  I attempted suicide.   For weeks and months, I hadn’t been eating well.  I was weak and tormenting thoughts were progressing that was leading me into a danger zone.  Danger, Danger, Danger, DANGER.  (Keep away from, Keep out, Keep a close watch, Keep on keeping on)…  I called my parents and told them I wasn’t doing good.  That’s all I could say.  I couldn’t explain it.  They got the point though that something was really wrong.  My dad drove hundreds of miles to come get me.  I was barely hanging on.  He arrived and slept on the couch in my apartment.  I couldn’t sleep, up all night.  In the morning, I walked past him, quietly so as not to wake him, and out the door heading to an unknown destination, to never return.  Even my own dad being feet from me didn’t dissuade me.  I didn’t really want to die… I was in a nightmare state, dumbfounded that I had gotten this low and it had gotten this desperate.  Seconds turned to minutes turned to hours turned to emptiness, turned to what do I do what is going on why why why… I know I’ve made a mistake.  I was wrong.  I am wrong.  I made a wrong turn.  More blacker than black darkness.  I had been deceived, lied to, taken advantaged of, the enemy mocking me, as though now I had been imprisoned in the nightmare of nightmares.

Fortunately, the attempt was unsuccessful… So long -for life to return…  so long -for the Light to turn on… God would soon begin to intervene often through much worse times ahead even though I was unaware I was on a healing journey.  He was leading me to become more than a conqueror through Christ.  I was taken through the depths of deepest darkness, torment, hurt, pain, and hopelessness yet I still hoped, had faith, called out to HIM for HIS help.  HELP ME!!!…  I’m definitely thankful for HIS mercy and help that was to come… That saved me more than once…  That loved me despite my guilt and shame…  That healed me though I didn’t deserve it… That compels me in HIS Love, to reach out to others, to reach out to you…  to reach for you…  to R.E.A.C.H. (Rescue Every Abandoned Child’s Heart)…  to reach YOU… the “you” you despise, the “you” you don’t understand, the “you” who wishes to be someone else, the “you” with unspeakable hurt and pain, the “you” who can’t take it anymore, but will live on…  to reach inside where you may even hide your demons, your abuse, your secret sin, your wounds…  Nothing can dissuade me from loving you…  nothing can dissuade me from accepting you…  nothing you might tell me…  nothing to prevent me from praying for you…  for you to know HIS love, HIS mercy, HIS compassion, HIS forgiveness, HIS healing…  found and secure in HIS LOVE… Though my dad was there to save me, he wasn’t the one who could do it.  It was JESUS, the only One who could and would…  JESUS is the SAVIOR who saves…  JESUS, my SAVIOR, can and will save you…  Let HIM…

Hiding in caves protected by walls

then to sense the winds gentle push call

forth my spirit through the darkened hall

toward the light with not much effort at all

to encounter a world full of wonder that I never saw

before night returns once again to mourn for the life I had taken for granted so long to

to allow the waterfall

from my eyes to flood for the first time since a baby when I’d bawl

about afflictions so easy then, but now with hesitation to wait for the torrential

downpour of  being lost and afraid rush forth into the storms awe

inspiring intensity precipitating overflow from a once assumed dry and deserted hearts

core and the gall

to leave me drenched and saturated with pain, loneliness, and sadness so emotional

that I can’t recall experiencing a bolt of lightning striking me down so small

and helpless while thunder relentlessly echoes an undeniable

message of force warning me to arise and seek shelter, but weakened and drained I stall

wading in a sea of doubt reaching for the shore to be overcome however by crushing

waves to be withdrawn

into the depths in descent toward the ocean’s floor, spiraling in a whirlpool of what could

have been now gone

as I sink through hurricanes of shame to bury under the sand in attempt to escape for a

long

hibernation where rest is assured and dreams become ones only energy as I yawn

for the last time in preparation for sleep without warning to be uprooted by a tornado

telling me I was wrong

to pretend that this was the end, but just a beginning sending me somewhere I haven’t

been for renewal

to take place abandoned as a glacier of ice embedded and cold upon the hardened

ground anticipating the thaw

to form a streams current to carry me through the forest of fears under the branches

and leaves creating a shawl

overhead blocking the glimmering sun enshrouded by darkness waiting for dawn

of a brighter day ahead and rainbows of hope to suddenly appear not to be my final

stand as I awaken to the howl of wolves shouting at the moon stating their claim that

not everyone is restful

in a dwelling of safety to realize the cruelty of their intentions to devour, enclosing

upon me as I lay helpless as a new born fawn

relying on a mother no longer found struggling to get up and learn to walk but only to

crawl

I’m shaken, bewildered, and desperately in need of senses regained from the clouds of

denial that have been so reliable

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