Reflection Upon Rippling Water

Posted: August 4, 2017 in depression, mental illness, Poems
Tags: , ,

I was in the 5th Grade when depression began to set in leading to sharp, drastic, and dark descent. Not yet the terrifying abyss, but a pit nonetheless.  It began after I moved away from my childhood free stomping grounds.  As we know, major life changes are a source of overwhelming stress especially if not processed well enough or at all with family or others.  I kept everything inside hidden well, I guess, behind my leave me alone attitude face (the majority of time) to pretending nothing was wrong, an I just don’t like people that much, and won’t trust anyone phase, and don’t expect me to smile, ever.  I was quiet, unassuming, with few friends, only one in particular that I spent any time with.  Playing basketball was my only outlet involving being in a group and that I played alone as a stress release.  Anger held deep within about circumstances and no one being there to help to talk it through becomes depression, hate toward self and others, social ineptness, emotional weakness, and brokenness.  Not talking about feelings out loud or ever writing it out, overflows the heart like a rushing river to the mind (the open turbulent ocean) sunburned with too much exposure to the elements.  Whereas, if had been talking about and helping one another in a secure family along the way, becomes gentle streams from that same heart to the mind (as a still pond or lake) basking in the sunshine where understanding and coping with the world is contributing to positive growth and becoming a strong confident healthy human.  The thoughts instead are about everything and anything that collide there within the skulls walls about the past, present, and future combining more and more in a aggravating noise grating blender, trying to make sense out of it all at once, or focusing too much on the bits and pieces, that aren’t as troublesome to others, but to you are huge obstacles that begin to drive you crazy.  The head begins to hurt.  Its not good to be out in the ocean without a boat let alone a life preserver.  Mental illness is waiting in the fray.  Every life experience in its awkwardness and no coping skills makes you frustrated.  The brain succumbs to pressures too hard to handle and process.  Thoughts turn to deep contemplations about the unfairness of life and its hardships.  Imagine keeping everything you dealt with locked up with no where for it to go.  Nowhere to turn. Stuck.  Dealing with your own struggles, the I can and will handle it all, myself.  But myself begins to not handle it very well.  But I still have to handle it, myself.  Behavior will at some point come out in unexpected and unhealthy ways.  You’re not comfortable in your own skin.  Anger toward yourself for not doing things well enough or anger outbursts at those around you occur.  I did both.  And I learned to hate myself.  Yet, LOVE would one day… find me…listen to me…care for me…forgive me…rescue me…refresh me…restore me…redeem me…love came in the form of unexpected friends in the journey…the Source of all LOVE was introducing me to what love really was, can be, and meant to be…until I knew it was never-ending…

 

The creek moves and calms in a predictable way

to be found easily, winding, while stationary in the distance,

although close in proximity to my house so as to visit everyday;

     functioning as a faithful friend,

     but the relationship split apart

     after the move.

 

Through an opening in a barb wire fence past

black widows in their webs hiding, built

within the uncut grasses;

cautioning me to be careful and keep on the lookout,

but the self defenses faded

after the move.

 

Across an open field, unnoticed, I must journey to reach

the bubbling well-spring making sure rocks and logs

would not block or clog so as to continue pumping;

allowing me to wonder of mysteries breathing from a deep unknown,

but the curiosity ended

after the move.

 

Further upstream, the school of tadpoles congregate

to go through growing stages sharing one anothers’ changes

bonding together as survival companions quickening to maturity

in the learning of life’s lessons toward independence

but social interaction ceased, separated as if placed in a jar all alone

after the move.

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